Well, it's 11:11 PM on January 1, 2017. When I rolled out of bed this morning with my usual sparkling wine hangover, I headed downstairs to find tea, my husband and my dog. I told Jeff that my 'to do' list had three things on it for the day: paint my nails (very ambitious), update and balance the budget, and write something - work on my novel, write a new nature poem, put out a blog post, anything. Well, my nails look great, the numbers in the budget all check out, and it's time to write.... can you tell I'm stalling? This is usually my favorite time of year for self-reflection, self-improvement, and excitedly looking forward to the year ahead. But I somehow feel stuck today, like I can't turn my thoughts into words.
I did manage to squeak out a New Year's resolution list today that I'm happy about (to-do list bonus item), so maybe I want to share that here to make sure I make it nice and public and accountable. The items on the list are:
1) Complete a sprint distance triathlon (recognizing that the schedule of the events I usually run in looks like it may not work with our travel plans this year, so even if I complete a "DIY" sprint distance triathlon myself, that will be good enough, and I can compete for real in 2018). For anyone interested, the sprint distance is twice the distance of a try a tri, and clocks in at a 750 m swim, a 20 km bike ride, and a 5 km run. I will likely still do the Guelph Lake try a tri on June 17 2018 to keep practicing swimming with a group (so splashy and gut-kicky..) and working on transitions, though if I'm ready I may try the sprint distance that weekend.
2) Because I do want to take the opportunity to compete in a structured race this year - I do enjoy that so much - I also made a goal to complete a 5K. This is an exciting one because I officially retired from running in 2012 after I kept injuring myself repeatedly, and then finally, gradually reintroduced running into my life just over a year ago, and can now do 4 km with no pain, so I think the 5K goal for later this year is a sound one that will feel awesome to finish.
3) I put flossing back on the resolution list after flinging it off a couple of years ago and saying "I'm just not a flosser!". Maybe the year of lots of reflecting on health and wellness has made me see that to just DO something simple and good for you is WAY better than not doing it. :-)
4) I also resurrected a resolution that I've done a crappy job of keeping which is to volunteer more. With the end of fieldwork behind me, I think my schedule will be a bit more my own, and I look forward to finding somewhere where I can be of help to other people, or to great causes.
5) My last resolution is a ridiculous one, to me anyways, seeing as I haven't acted in anything since I was in drama class when I was 16, but I am going to try out for community theater, and I am blushing just writing that, so this should be something (stay tuned for inevitable hijinx-style post - I seem to do more stupid things when I'm flustered). I'm not expecting to make it into a play but I'm going to give it a few solid attempts and hope for the best. I used to think I was kind of a good actor. Once, one of the more famous "drama kids" who I always respected, wrote in my yearbook that he thought I was a great actress. As someone who relies too heavily on external validation, I always thought "if he thinks I'm something, maybe I'm something!", but never tried my hand at acting again. I don't think this resolution and its results will tell me if I'm something or not, but I want to take the first steps towards that.
Finally, just a note - because I wrote the good ol' manifesto this year, I have a list of self improving activities that is probably two pages long. I read them over today and then became so exhausted that I felt it was then important to take a two-hour nap. I will do my best to keep working all of these tidbits and massive overhauls into my life, always working towards the goal of being the best version of myself that I can be.
I was happy for the most part with how 2016's resolutions turned out. Quitting sugar was like a religious experience for how intense it was, how much I reflect on it and how it changed me significantly, at least for a time (my brain wiring and tastebuds anyways). I look back on that time so proudly, and so fondly. I am pretty sad that I am back to being able to eat sugar with the best of them. My palate has definitely changed, my tolerance for sugar has gone down from where once was, so I can't indulge at the same level (probably a good thing), but I'm basically back to where I was about a year ago. I just wasn't strong enough to live in a world with sugar and resist it over and over again. If I could choose a world where food wasn't chock-full of sugar, and sugar wasn't everywhere, and sugar wasn't part of social constructs, I absolutely would. But that's not our world, so here I am, munching away on sugar again. I successfully quit it a couple more times this year for about a week at a time, but found the act of trying to keep it out of my diet more cumbersome than I was willing to bother with. When I did quit the second and third times, withdrawal symptoms were limited or zero, so it's good to know that that lifestyle is there, should I want to grasp it again. The reason I'm not adding it onto this years resolution list? I can't tell you. Is that addiction speaking? Why is it so hard to say goodbye to something I (theoretically) hate so much? In addition to successfully quitting sugar, for a month anyways, I completed a try a tri (actually two!), setting a sub-goal finishing in under an hour, which I did on my second attempt. I had so much fun! During the first one I actually said out loud to myself on my bike as I rounded the second corner "this is awesome! You're doing awesome!". That hilarious, cheerleader-type, passionate reaction made me realize: this is probably something I should explore as a regular hobby! I also had a resolution to cook more, and waste less food. I think I did pretty well on both of those, especially through the early part of the year when I found that I had to cook more to avoid eating the added sugar that's in a lot of processed foods. However, there were and still are humongous stretches of time in which I can't bring myself to sauté a single vegetable, and dinner is a bowl of yogurt with granola! Much like my general struggles with staying consistent with health and fitness, cooking seems to come and go, against what I logically know I want for myself. I did find that a new podcast I came across called Half-size Me was really helpful in helping me reframe some of my moldy old ideas about health, fitness, weight, and dieting. I think I really get now that managing health and weight is definitely a lifelong journey, and something I will have to be conscious of and contribute consciously to, for my entire life. It's not something that will likely ever happen by default (for me, anyways). But, it's something I'm happy to do. I want to take good care of myself, I want to put good things in my body, I want to be happy with how I look. I'm loving the movement of women working to accept their bodies at all shapes/sizes, and would like to get more on board with that.
Now that I'm at the end of chatting away about my resolutions (and I am literally chatting, as I'm still dictating due to stupid, persistent, tennis elbow which has now showed up in my left arm because I was asking a little too much of it for my right arm was down! GAHHH!) I have realized the reason for my writer's block today. When something as awful, unexpected, profound, life-changing, perspective-changing and intense as cancer shows up in your otherwise simple and easy life, it turns your life perspective on its head. Watching my dad go through cancer, and doing my best to support him and my mom, was a game changer for me this year. It certainly puts into perspective what matters. However, at the end of the day we are still just our same selves. My dad is still pretty silly, and regularly grumpy, super into computer games, and far too overly concerned about me. :) I am still the girl who struggles with a sweet tooth, does clumsy stuff on the reg, cares too much about external validation, and spends a little too much time on the couch watching TV. :-) Though some of the ways I think about things changed, who I am fundamentally did not change. I'm proud that my traits like happiness, optimism, sensitivity, and goofiness stuck around throughout my dad's diagnosis, surgery, recovery, and chemotherapy. I think those traits of mine were of use to my parents (who I spent a ton of time with in 2016 and wouldn't change it for anything! planning for more of the same in 2017 - please do me a favour and maximize time spent with the people you love.. STAT!), and it certainly is better for me than any alternative I can picture, such as becoming a dark, reclusive, pessimistic person. But it has its guilty moments too, and I see now that's what I've been struggling with today. Is it okay to write a chatty, hopeful, slightly self-deprecating blog post about my New Year's resolutions from 2016 and how I did, and the things I want to achieve in 2017, when my dad just went through hands down the worst year of his life is and continues to struggle with something big, and unknown? We don't know if his cancer is elsewhere- it did show some evidence of local spread, his chemo regiment is only effective in 25% of cases.. so at this point we can only hope for the best, and good results from regular scans. So knowing that my dad probably has this haunting him in the back of his head makes me wonder if it should be haunting me too, and coloring the pieces of my life that I put forward into the world, like this blog post. But I already know that the answer to that question is a firm: no. That is not what my dad would want. That approach will help no one. The best gift I can give everyone is to be the best me possible, so I can be the best for all the people that I care about when they need me.
Writing is so strange, so funny. It's the days that I'm the most reluctant to write that writing always helps me the most. My thoughts look like dark, tangled hallways that I can't understand, every door I try along the hallway is locked, and there is no light shining through the windows to find me and help show me the way, But then I start putting words on page and everything untangles, explain itself, and brightens considerably (even if I'm not writing directly about it), at least to the point where I can make some marginal sense of it.
So, then, in line with something I posted on Facebook earlier today, I am going to take this afternoon's welcome infusion of bright sunshine and bring it forward into 2017. I can't imagine having a year as tough as 2016 was again. However, when I do (I'm no longer naive enough to say "if"-- and concurrently mourning the loss of my less-jaded self) I know that I can stand up to whatever comes my way, be there for the people who need me, accept support from the people who love me, get through anything, and come out the other side still Kristyn.
Happy New Year, everyone. Welcome, 2017. You are so welcome.
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