Restless. I am literally restless, yes -I'm averaging 5-6 hours of sleep per night this week (terrifying for all who surround me) and it's 11:30 p.m. and I'm way too riled up in my head to go to bed, even though I am completely exhausted.
But it's actually my restless spirit that is wigging me out these days! You'd think after travelling all over the province for work for most of each week when I'm at home I'd just put my feet up with a big smile on my face and relax and enjoy my creature comforts. But everytime I get here, I either go manic on chores and cleaning or try to sit for a few minutes and just start poking around on the internet, looking at house prices in other cities, cottages, and plotting out strategies for me and Jeff's "next big adventure".
The problem is, most of the things I want involve a LOT of money. Too bad cottages on Georgian Bay aren't $100,000 - I could scratch this restless itch in a second! Too bad a fun zippy sports car is still Jeff's VW Rabbit car payments plus another five figures away. Too bad travelling the world costs a bucketload of money - Italy freaking robbed us blind!! (no regrets though). Too bad Jeff working in a smaller/less manufacturing-oriented city would likely cause a major hit to our household budget.
And the problem with a LOT of money is I actually LOVE my job at a charity. Recently a coworker asked if I was thinking of applying for a new position that will be coming up within our region and I said "no way - I'm super happy with my position". And how lucky is that - I love buying land, fundraising, project management, partnership building and most of all (even bugbitten, sunburned and with rubber-boot rubby'd feet from a long week in the field) STEWARDSHIP and taking care of the fabulous nature we conserve. I also love my staff, my coworkers, my boss, our VP and our whole freaking organization across the country. The problem? Charities don't pay. We can't - ethically - would you donate to a group that rained money on their staff?? I wouldn't. So that's fine. Reality. I'm honestly ok with it. BUT... limiting... yes.
Jeff and I have tossed around a bunch of ideas lately: we could live in Toronto! (Dawn, calm down, we cannot afford the TO lifestyle, it's a no!) we could get a cottage! we could buy a rental/investment property! we could plan our next trip! I could take a sabbatical! we could move closer to where I do my fieldwork!
But we don't do any of those things. And I just wonder, and dream, and theorize, and itch.. itch... itch. You can't help asking: what's wrong in my life that I don't feel 100% content?
I came across an interesting article tonight about the grass always being greener. It definitely snapped things into perspective. (sidenote: I probably shouldn't be philosophizing after a week of manual physical labour and tens of kilometers of hiking each day - I am EXHAUSTED and not sure if you knew this about me.. I get a little grumpy when I'm tired ;)). Even through my grumpy haze it prompted me to start thinking about the things I have that I should be appreciative for. I wanted to write them down, and thought that while I was writing I should throw SOMETHING up on my blog since it's been ~100 years since I've shared anything. I'm sure Nic and Karla are wondering if I'm still alive :)
So here's my unedited off-the-top-of-my-head (hey that's my blog's name) list of things that are great, and why my grass is actually pretty green:
#1 (it's 1' it's so #1): Jeff. I have the best husband in the world. A truly good, kind man who would never hurt me and I would never hurt. My partner and teammate in life. Who I'm still mushily in love with after almost 7 years together. That makes me very lucky!!!
The rest are in no particular order!
My Job. See above for why medium pay and insane travel and hours and expectations is still the most exciting thing to me after 7 years. I've been in my current role for 2 years and am still learning the ropes and finding it very exciting and challenging, though it does get easier every day, so perhaps that explains some of the tingly itchy feelings I have.
My Friends. I'm a lucky girl to have friends I've had since I was 3, 6, 13, 14, 19, 22, 25 and beyond. My best friend is my sister, my Scarborough girls my extended fam and the rest of the various wonderful friends in my life make every day richer, more hilarious and make me feel loved and supported. Friendships can be ephemeral; bumpy; rocky; evolving; they can sunset; expire; fade out and they can also be the cornerstone of your day, and your life. I actually really like the ever-changing nature of friendships and appreciate ALL my friends! Even my fb friends who might be reading this that I haven't had a direct conversation with in a long time - it's nice to be exposed to what's up in the lives of so many people who have come and gone through my life over the years.
My Family. I'm super close to my awesome parents, I have great in-laws (including a brand new nephew Bryson as of last week!), some fun extended family (though some crazy), and the best step-grandmother ever. I also have the goofiest, hairiest, sweetest dog possibly in the entire world. I'm happily childfree and have no desire to scratch this itch with that sort of experiment! Bailey is child enough with all his "needing to be fed and cared for in exchange for unconditional love" and I can leave him in the side entrance when we go out for dinner - best of both worlds! ;)
Our Home. We built this house here in Guelph (a city I mourned losing when I moved away to Waterloo for a mere 8 months in 2005 and vowed never to leave again!) knowing Guelph was #1 by a longshot of places we'd want to live in ON. We're green and have good environmental practices, we have hippies and fabulous hippie related items like markets, festivals and responsible local food, we're 1 hour from TO, and my home backs on to trees which host adorable birds which come to my feeder.
My Health. Imagine I wasn't well, how ridiculous all this navel-gazing and wondering and seeking would sound? If I wasn't healthy, I imagine that all I'd ever want is to live a life in a home I love, with someone I love, working at a job I love that I can ride my bike to, where I can walk my stinky dog on the conservation trails, go out for dinner with my friends and tip back a beer after a long day of fieldwork. I am so grateful to be healthy, but I hardly EVER think about that, but wow. Honestly. Recently a wonderful person was lost from many of our lives due to health issues and it was so incredibly tragic, making everyone realize life and health really is a gift.
.....so wtf is the problem over here?
I think I just answered my own question that there is no problem. I don't think keeping up with any Joneses (must stop hanging out with Georgian Bay cottagers through work!!!) and flinging myself into further debt to buy a life and home I can't really afford (unless I want to go back to the borderline poverty years of house poor early home ownership... I DON'T) would actually satisfy me. I'm not actually ready to leave Guelph, and not out of fear, but because I adore it. It's been my home since I was 18 and it was the first place I CHOSE to live in my whole life, and it wasn't something that just happened arbitrarily. And I still choose it.
I think the answer lies in rededicating myself to achieving some personal goals (gotta review those new years resolutions again!), planning our next exciting vacation, working on my much lamented novel which I'm tentative and terrified and excited and terrified about (I hate the thought of failing at things - so I do nothing. A sure recipe for success - no? TERRIFIED) and just learning to live in the moment a bit more. Not rushing through my dog walk, but stopping to smell the flowers (literally - peony season!), watch the birdies; not wasting away nights blabbing on the phone, or sitting on the couch in front of the tv but indulging in an ultimately more satisfying pursuit like writing or cycling; not letting date night turn into "hello.fast food.movie.bed" but instead planning something different, new and fabulous.
Final reflections (I'm feeling about 1000x better than I did half an hour ago when I started writing, thank you catharsis!!):
My grass is glowing emerald. I am lucky to live the life that I do. I just need to start rolling around in that green, lush grass it to feel, see, touch and appreciate the greenness - and maybe add a few more gardens and scatter some seed for good measure. :)
