Binge(y) Eating, and Habit Change

I’ve given this topic a fair bit of space in my brain this year, between thinking, reflecting and reading and have come out not entirely convinced that I’m a classic binge eater. There are some typical traits that don’t apply to my patterns of overeating, such as consuming 3000 to 5000 calories in a binge session (that hurts just thinking about it!), bingeing alone (I am much more likely to stuff my face in public than in private), and robotically eating very large quantities of one thing – I like variety in my overeating! A bowl of ice cream here, a few cookies there… However, whatever it is I’ve been doing on and off over the past 20 years is definitely some sort of disordered eating, and definitely has a component of overeating. Often at parties or outings I’ll eat all the “fun” food that’s there until I’m uncomfortably full. Then the next day is inevitably followed by feeling crappy mentally and physically and either soothing those feelings with more eating (rolls eyes) or over-exercise/clean eating that’s borderline punishing.

I have no doubt my episodes of overeating are linked to all those times I’ve restricted my food. I took some time to count it up and realized I’ve gone on diets/healthy eating spurts/eating plans (whatever you want to call it) over 30 times between the ages of 14 to 34. There was something about hitting the 20 year mark that was a wake-up call, that I don’t want to spend the next 40 to 50 years living like this, trapped in this cycle. And it’s definitely a cycle - my brain hungrily remembers all the times we were restricting, sees the plate of cookies and goes “well we’re not being ‘good’ now – let’s eat up while we have the chance!”.

Poor brain. Poor body! Do you know how many times I’ve lost and regained the same 5 to 15 pounds? And I look basically exactly the same all the time, even similar to my high school body, when I first turned into a diet monster.

But rather than looking back at what I have been, or have done, I want to look forward to the person I want to be every day. That’s someone who generally makes healthy food choices, and enjoys treats in a reasonable way. And if I eat most of the large piece of chocolate cake that Viv brings me on Monday evening ;) it will not affect eating veggie-full meals the following day. This has been my focus lately, recognizing that junk food will always be a part of my life, and what I can do is add in healthy things wherever I can. I’ve been really focusing on getting vegetables with every lunch and dinner for the past few weeks, which packs the double punch of providing nutrients/fiber/phytochemicals AND being so filling that one doesn’t feel such a wild urge to eat the rest of the slice of cake... and another slice after that.

One of my favourite podcasts is Half-Size Me, which introduced me to the idea of gradual change over time, one habit at a time. So even though I know I can eat 100% clean and exercise 4 to 5 times a week for about 2 to 3 weeks, I also know it never lasts for good and is usually followed by a big swing in the other direction and overeating all those foods that I cut out for that time.

I’m very happy to report that for the past 3.5 weeks I’ve eaten veggies with every lunch and dinner (minus the McDonald’s I had that day on the road and oh man did it taste so good – do pickles on the cheeseburger count as veggies?), and strength trained 2x/week, a habit I’d really fallen out of doing regularly over the past couple of years. Focusing on these two habits has actually been really easy, and I’m feeling great, still super motivated, and I can already see some muscle definition coming back… alright! Last week I added an extra habit of adding a minimum of one training session per week of any element of a triathlon (swim/bike/run) in prep for my hopeful return to the triathlon game this summer – wish me luck!

I’ve also eaten a pretty serious amount of cake, cookies, chocolate and Halloween candy and had nights where I’ve collapsed on the couch after work and didn’t move again. And I am 100% totally okay with that, and welcome both into my life, in balance.

While losing a few pounds would be nice, sure (there are some TIGHT waistbands in my closet!), I’m no longer tracking calories or weighing myself (I learned that these things make me, someone who is prone to being hard on myself, very likely to beat myself up mentally if I go “off course” and a trigger toward trying to act perfectly – which inevitably leads me in the exact opposite direction) and I have no real goals, or timeline. My goal is living a generally healthy life, continuing athletic pursuits, and freeing myself from the weird diet prison I put myself in when I was 14 years old. I can finally see the outside world, and it looks oh so good…

Hello Blogging My Old Friend

A brief life recap, as summer turns to fall…

An unexpected and interesting development at work this summer was the presentation of some opportunities to appear on camera, on the radio and in other forms of media. The most hilarious/intense was the morning I had 14 back to back syndicated interviews with various CBC shows across Canada, chatting about invasive species. I got to be a bit of a fan girl when I was on Metro morning, and had my picture in the Toronto Star. And I got my first taste of what it feels like to want to hide under a rock, when you see yourself on national TV repeatedly saying "go away bear" while waving your arms back-and-forth with an angry facial expression... at a guy in a bear suit... Overall it's been fun to help spread the word about a variety of important topics related to nature and conservation, and drop the name of my organization to anyone who is listening :-)

Fan Girl

Guess what – I still haven't figured out how to balance healthy eating and regular exercise when things get hectic and busy. My dog had surgery last week and I've been stress eating on his behalf ever since. I read an awesome read this summer on the topic of "overcoming binge eating". I'm not someone who eats out of the garbage can or anything, but I've been known to clean off a tray of cookies and overindulge at parties basically for my entire teen/adult life! And often when I start eating badly, I find it hard to bring myself back to the world of vegetables and moderation. I'm pretty tired of the binge – restrict cycle (this is the basis of the theory "dieting doesn't work", which I fully subscribe to even if I don't necessarily put it into action), so I've been trying to stop restricting to hopefully stop the binging. It's been an interesting journey, one that I was surprised to find required you to really do an assessment of the things you like and things you don't like about yourself. Turns out, my list of "don't likes" was longer than list of "likes", and of a length and breadth that took me by surprise (kind of)! This is likely a key reason why I'm not doing my body the service of being kind to it with what goes in! So, as always, a work in progress. The good news is, I can still fit fine in most of my pants, and hey, that's not too shabby!

I made 48 of these lovelies last weekend for M's shower (Pam ran the icing job, clearly).. I may have eaten 7... :S

Jeff and I went to BC for the first half of September. I can't say enough good things about this vacation. Obviously what stands out is the fact that we saw six grizzly bears, several which were so close that we could see through our camera lens and binoculars the various shades of gold in their fur, and the absolute size of their claws. But there was so much more than just the bears. There were whales. Bald eagles, seals, beautiful stellar jays, marmots and even a pica. There was falling madly in love with Whistler, and then repeating the whole thing over a day later to fall madly in love with Vancouver. There were those trees – those giant trees that just seemed to get bigger and bigger as the trip went on - trees you couldn't even hug if you tried. There was bungee jumping, hands down the most terrifying experience of my life, particularly the feeling when I was freefalling towards my death and acutely aware that there was no lap bar holding me in, as there always seems to be when I'm hurtling downward at those speeds i.e. on my beloved roller coasters. There were mountains, mosses, rivers, lots of laughs, hundreds of thousands of steps taken, and always, what stands out the most is the amount of quality time I got to spend with Jeff. Grizzlymoon was one that will go down in history is pretty awesome. So for everyone who asked "why BC?"… bc! I don't think a destination needs to be far-flung or exotic to give you simply incredible experiences. Plus, isn't it a little tragic that before BC I hadn't traveled further west in Canada than Winnipeg… in December? Canada's a beaut - can't wait to see the Rockies someday!

Rawr

Squee

I think my last interesting life update is that recently I took over as organizer for the Meetup group Happy and Child Free – Guelph/KW. For anyone not aware of the loveliness of the website/org meetup.com, this is a site where you can simply type in your interests and be presented with a bunch of like-minded people doing things that appeal to you in your geographical area – well-played Meetup creators, well played! It can be so tough to meet new ppl in the post-university phase of life! This particular group was founded by Heather, a lovely woman who did an amazing job back in 2015 of uniting a group of 30-somethings who would have probably never met otherwise, but many of which are now lucky enough to call each other friends, with new potential friends arriving at every event we hold (..some duds also..). Heather is pursuing some other passions now, and asked me to take over management of the group, which I was happy to do! We don't do anything too much more exotic than eating, movies, trivia nights, but the one thing that is always there is great conversation, and many laughs.

Last week's showing at trivia - 2nd place! I'm a nerdy trivia addict, for the record...

Winter din at Artisinale w/ a nice sampling of cf friends (photo by Heather :))

Did you know one in five women now end their lives without a child? They're not necessarily all childfree by choice, but I think it's neat to think about the fact that this "alternative" life path which seems to make most people over the age of 50 gawk at me as if I'm an alien, and elicit otherwise confused and concerned looks from many folks of all ages, and genders, is perhaps not all that "alternative" after all. I don't talk about this particular life path of mine all that much, because some parents have read into my choice as some sort of judgement of theirs (to be clear – I am totally 100% okay with what everyone chooses or ends up doing re kids. What you do with your life and reproductive parts has absolutely nothing to do with me or our relationship. Kids, no kids, I just want everyone I love to be happy), and for some other more sensitive reasons I won't get into. But I don't want to do a disservice to a group of people who don't deserve to feel like they have to hide who they are and how they are living their life. So in the interest of owning my truth, my reason for being childfree is simple: from somewhere deep inside me I have never wanted kids, knew that it would be the wrong path for me, and more than this being a decision, it was simply a matter of looking inside myself and identifying what has always been there. On my first date with Jeff we somehow (wtf) ended up on the topic of kids and he was the first to confess he didn't want them. His reasons were essentially the same as mine (though he uses less flowery wording than "looking inside myself"). A little bell definitely rang at that point - "huh.. that's interesting..". :)

Interesting indeed :)

I'll keep this one short, but it was so nice to sit down and write again. I don't know why I let so much time pass before coming back to the thing that makes me so happy :-)

I'm going to earmark binge eating as a topic for a future blog as I really got my mind turning about it again as I wrote tonight – so stay tuned if you're interested or have ever found yourself struggling with it as well!

Friendship

Lately I have been thinking about friendship a lot. I’m not sure if it’s because I was feeling very grateful for my friends who were there for me after I lost my step grandmother Doreen in April; or because it’s summer, a time where I get to see a lot more of my friends as we drag ourselves out from the depths of our warm houses during the cold winter; or just because the time is simply due to recognize how grateful I am for my friends.

I had no idea how to set this up, because I’m truly grateful for all my friends, all over the province (and continent) in so many different, nuanced, variable ways. So I decided to go with chronological freestyle instead :-) It’s also important to note that I’m grateful for the strong friendships I had in various stages of life, some that lasted many years, and some just a flash in the pan, that didn’t stand the test of time but I will always remember fondly. There are also friendships that populate just a few beautiful moments every year – whether it’s a Facebook exchange, annual visit, or thoughtful text message. These mean a lot to me as well. And for any friendships that are currently lost/adrift I hope we can find our way back to each other if it’s meant to be. I know that not everyone that’s been in your life is destined to be there forever, but I think it's a beautiful thing when we can keep circles of people that share memories and past fondnesses at just an amicable arm’s reach away.

I’ve had the same best friend for nearly 31 years, and with Dawn I get to have all the benefits of having and being a sister without the back story of having grown up terrorizing one another - instead, we were pretty much always just having a silly, laughter-filled good time. I can count our conflicts over the years on one hand - disputes that neither of us could ever bear to last more than a few moments, before rushing to make sure our relationship was still perfectly intact. There is no great short way to say it but she’s a part of my heart and I have her back for life. In return, she is on my team completely and I never feel as supported regardless of whatever ridiculous idea I am railing on about, because Dawn is always there supporting me.

Way back on that first day of kindergarten, I also collected a Melanie. The most honest and kindhearted while still managing to be one of the most cutting and hilarious people I know. Starting far back in early elementary school I also gathered a Karla and a Katie, and we were fiercely close as we co-battled the painful awkwardness of late childhood/early teenage years, a closeness that allows us to delve right into deep conversations today with no pretense and an incredible understanding of one another. Shortly after came a Catherine, by far the quirkiest of the bunch. I may never understand how her brain works, but I always love going along for the ride, which is always full of emotion and as a common theme, tons of laughs. In high school we added a couple of members to the train – a Jana, and a Nicole - two of the most fun and funny ladies in the world. This group that I have just described here comprises “the Scarborough girls”.  We were always just out to have a good time, whether that was being dorks at high school sleepovers, dancing the night away at bars, eating everything in sight, or having long/ridiculous/meandering conversations about our years of amassed memories. That theme kept us glued together through university, while starting our careers, through marriages, and children. There aren’t too many places in my life where I can be guaranteed a belly laugh that hurts, but at our approximately quarterly dinners, I know that one of those is always in the cards. As I write that I’m smiling because I can hear each of their laughter as I picture their faces, and I’m confident that no matter how much time passes between seeing each of them, we’re set for life.

Me, Jana, Karla, Dawn, Mel, Nic, Cath, Kate

During university I was fortuitous enough to live across the hall from Erica, that girl with the huge laugh, who later would stand beside me at my wedding (and I and hers), a friendship marked by unconditional support and conversations that eat up hours but feel like they only last for seconds.

 

At this time I was also lucky enough to come across those who would jokingly call themselves my B-group, who lived in residence with Dawn, and included faces like Evan and Tim. Eventually, through them, I would meet Dave, who knew Jay, and add in a Viv, and my post-university group of misfits was formed. We called ourselves the superfriends, likely because we were always so intoxicated when trying to discuss our newfound/fantastic friendship (because beer was only $2.50 a pint every Wednesday at El Parteo, also known as an utter shit show). Familiar faces from the “B group” that I never had a chance to get close to in school became key pieces of my life, then and now - a Pam, a Kristy.  Some of the most fun and best conversation I've ever had have been with this crew, then and today.

 

Jay & me - any given Wednesday

 

Kristy, Jeff, me, Maya, Evan, Tim

 

 

People’s significant others (even some now-exes!) wove themselves in to a point where I can’t remember not having them in my life. What would I do without James, for example, who would never hesitate to grab the boat and get you out of trouble when you’ve accidentally SUP’d into a windy bay that you simply can’t paddle your way out of? Or Dan, who came to see The Cure with me, at a much loathed outdoor festival, after meeting me just one time? And there’s a big list of other people who I’m lucky I get to have in my life because they found my amazing friends to be with :-)

Over the past two years I’ve had the pleasure of getting to know several childfree folks in the Guelph and KW area, and as awkward as it is to throw yourself into a social situation where you have just one thing in common with people (not wanting kids) it was worth it. Reason? I got to meet gems like Jini, Greg, Julie, Heather and Dana, who feel like my spirit animals and reassure me that even though my life isn’t pointing in the same direction as the majority of the world’s, it’s a life direction that many very awesome people are pointing in too.

I have friends who I’ve lost, like Doreen this spring, but who my conversations with will always be ongoing, because I know how she would’ve responded to any of my questions or stories, in my heart. I have a very furry friend who I do most of the talking with, but who always responds with a lick, a head on my lap, and a standing invitation to go for a walk. I’m grateful to have so many coworkers, past and present, who are people I would actually choose to spend time with if I wasn’t forced to :-) I have great neighbours, who water my veggies, and are always down for a spontaneous chat in the street or much needed glass of wine. I have incredible parents, who with their great sense of humour, biting commentary, honesty and support, I’m very happily stuck with (and vice versa) for life.

Doreen & I - these pics were all taken today by walking around my office with my iPhone camera :)

On top of all of this magic, I have a husband who I would absolutely choose to be friends with even if I didn’t love him to pieces, who is a master of absorbing my tales/problems/diatribes and helping share unique and awesome perspectives. Our shared interests have always created a strong backbone to our relationship, and as we grow our passions together for things like travel, cycling, and outdoor adventure, I’m that much more glad to have him as my bff for all time.

Lately, I’ve been inadvertently posting pictures of my friends and I with captions like “Lucky me”. I sometimes cringe about the things that people, including myself, post on social media. Anything that looks overly rosy feels suspicious, because life is certainly not a constant bed of roses. And while things have not always been peachy keen with all of those people and groups of people I’ve given shoutouts to today, there isn’t a bit of this post that is disingenuous and doesn’t reflect the intense gratitude in my heart to have, and have had, and get to continue having, all of these incredible friendships.

 

Carden Challenge 2017

I didn't want to brag about this excessively on facebook since some of my competitors this weekend are fb friends, but since I only share my blog with non-work-world contacts, check this out:

WE WON THE CARDEN CHALLENGE (biodiversity category)!!!!! And had a blast doing it!!

Are you wondering, what is the crazy wordy/birdy lady talking about? This is a 24 hour birding/critter-finding competition where you spot as many species as you can between 6 p.m. Friday night to 6 p.m. Saturday night in a set count circle. Birds are key (you can get upwards of 100-125 different species of bird in the Carden Alvar area if you know where to look), but mammals, odonates (dragonflies and damselflies), butterflies and herptiles (frogs, turtles, snakes, salamanders) are all on the table too in the biodiversity category. Funds raised by our friends feeling sorry for us for putting ourselves through the madness go to a great local land trust in the Carden Alvar area, and the event is basically just a wild and crazy ride careening around these 60,000+ acres of land by car to hit all the good "hotspots" for species again and again until the clock runs down on your day!

In past years, there's been a bit more 'drama' than I prefer - personality clashes, harsh words, hurt feelings, etc. Not to mention my trip to the ER in the middle of the night in 2015. But this year, with a fresh new team aside from my stalwart companion Trish (Challenge buddies since 2014) including a fabulous birding colleague from NCC to nail all those tricky hiding/high-talking warbler species, we were ready to go. We were called The Bruce and Spruce Moose - because 3/5 team members were from the Bruce Peninsula, and 2/5 were representing the White Spruce of the Carden Alvar.. and because we were all hoping to see a moose! Good for just the one point, but a rare find on the Challenge unless you're in the right place at the right time. (sidenote, I've decided I want next year's team name to be For Those About to Rock Pigeon - I'm writing that here so I don't forget!).

We started at 6 p.m. with a bunch of other teams and the mayhem was instant: there's a Northern Mockingbird over there! Did you see the Ruby-throated Hummingbird in the apple tree?? I hear a spring peeper! Throw down the robin and red-winged blackbird though we're going to see a LOT more of those this weekend! We had 10 birds in 7 minutes.

The evening was cool - we visited Prospect Marsh to hear tons of frogs calling, and all sorts of interesting marsh birds like Virginia Rail, Willow Flycatcher, Marsh Wren and Sora. As the sky darkened we crept up Wylie Rd. (the most famous road in Carden) and saw Common Nighthawk displaying in the sky, heard American Woodcock "peent"ing, and listened to the insistent call of the Whip-poor-wills "whip poor will! whip poor will!" like a broken wind-up toy that won't stop!! We called it around 11 p.m. and were in bed by 11:30, anticipating our 5 a.m. wake up call and very long next day!

Whip-poor-will

I felt very angry and sad when my alarm went off at 5 a.m. but in my hazy stupor in the washroom, cursing myself "why do I do this stupid thing?!" (I'm not a morning person), I heard an Eastern Phoebe calling outside the cabin we were staying in and couldn't help but smile and get excited for the day ahead. Armed with caffeine, we were driving away by 5:30, ready for the dawn chorus.

Eastern Phoebe (call: "FEE-BEE!")

It rained on and off all day, but in the dry/warm bits we watched butterflies and dragonflies come alive out the grasses. Olympia Marble is still my favourite spring butterfly, but no complaints about catching the tiny Spring Azure after a long day of nonstop Silvery Blues. We saw two huge Blanding's Turtles just hanging out on logs in wetland, yellow throats glowing. We were sad we may not get our bullfrog, not having heard it the night before, but after getting waylaid IDing a ton of tiny forktail damselflies, just as we were about to climb back into the van we heard the "more rummmm" call from a nearby pond and high fived!

"Hello" (Blanding's Turtle; always smiling)

Spring Azure

We saw a moose 15 mins before the Challenge started and worried we may not see one again. But we were lucky enough to see TWO! As our van driver Brittany squealed over to the side of the road we all laid eyes on these huge beautiful creatures, Trish and I were pounding on our windows like our team had just scored at a hockey game - "MOOOOOOSE!!!!!!!!!!".

Moose views (Carden, May 27/17)

I'm not a patient enough person to be a hardcore birder, but the trick with Golden-winged Warbler and Blue-winged Warbler, which hybridize, is to ID them by sight vs. sound. We heard both of them call ("bzzz bzzz bzzz" from the GW, "bzzz-bzzz-*raspberry* from the BW), but needed to see them. So I patiently followed a GW as he flew from tree to tree, hiding among the leaves, calling intermittently until finally I got my binoculars on him. Perfectly marked, I could now confirm this species for our list - and just then he threw back his head and buzzed his little heart out. Totally worth my hands being munched by mosquitoes for the 5 minutes it took to find him.

Golden-winged Warbler

I left much of my skin and blood for the blackflies and mosquitoes but am happy to report I'm tick-free! We destroyed the van with our muddy boots. We frequently rode around with the doors open on a rental Grand Caravan to listen for bird calls, renaming it "our Jeep", and splashing it through mud puddles. I somehow made it from 5:15 a.m. breakfast to not eating lunch until 12:45 ("somehow" involved pineapple, a fresh baked chocolate chip cookie from Quaker Oaks on Monck Rd., gummy peach slices, chips and salsa, coconut smiles, and homemade "fruit leathers" - yum!) and then basically assaulted the (volunteer) BBQ workers for two giant hot dogs, three raspberry macaroon squares and the tastiest coke zero of my life. We still continued to eat all afternoon, and at dinner I had a full plate of meat/potatoes/grains, AND two slices of pie for dessert. And Chicago Mix when I got back to the cabin. YIKES! We only walked 7,500 steps, but the mental exhaustion of constantly searching/watching, hopping out of the car, squinting through binoculars or the scope, planning, chatting - apparently we took 25,000 mental steps and I was determined to eat it all back ;)

We graciously took our win, and fully acknowledged that we couldn't have done it without the amazing birding skills of Esme who would watch something fly by and then say something ridiculous like "there goes a vesper sparrow" (I picked the most non-descript tiny brown bird I could think of). Then she would patiently wait for the rest of us to find it in our binoculars or hear it's call so we could ID it too. We ended up getting more bird species than the competitive birding category winners (we had 126 to their 125!), in addition to the 10 mammal species, 10 butterflies, 5 dragonflies, 1 snake, 7 frogs and 2 turtles we saw/heard.

Our 2017 nameplate will be added for next year! Cool!

The best part (aside from Moose Mania) was how much fun it was - chatting with other teams, laughing/joking/eating with my team, visiting friends in the area to check out their properties (who has Blackpoll Warbler, Bay-breaster Warbler and Warbling Vireo just hanging out at their house!? I love Carden). Wouldn't trade the insane 24 hours for anything and can't wait to do it all over next year. My memorable quotes were my scream of "IT'S NOT A CABBAGE WHITE!!!!" for the first Olympia Marble caught, "the toads are running away while still having sex!!!" (literally, hopping while copulating - dying to get away from us but unwilling to stop their true love), "this is nerd insanity!" as Brittany tried to keep up with recording our excited species in that first 7 minutes, and Trish's 5:20 a.m. very subdued dance which involved "raise the roof" hands and a quiet repeated "birds birds birds birds".

Now, please avert your eyes from my disgusting blackfly bite covered torso-to-ears and have a lovely week.

From Awful April to Marvelous May

*written May 10 - only finding time to post it now.. Marvelous May was still pretty friggin busy!!


April 2017 will not go down as one of my favorite months in history. A lot of amazing stuff happened, such as being a part of the crew of the play I Hate Hamlet which ran at the Guelph Little Theater from April 20 to April 30. It took up a lot of time, but was an absolute blast and I met a ton of amazing people in the process. I wouldn't change it for anything. However, trading in my hobby of regular exercise for a new hobby of sitting on my ass for four hours a night three times a week and sometimes for entire Sundays well eating all of the junk food I could get my mouth on including king-size Twizzlers, baked goods, gummy worms, Tootsie Pops, and just you name it - any bit of junk food that came near me was in trouble. I've always been known to eat my feelings and I feel like I have been on an eating frenzy since mid-March when I came down with the dreaded two-week cold and was literally dying barely off the couch sick for two whole weeks. I started eating to feel better (spoiler alert – it didn't work) and then as things at work got really crazy and things in my personal life took a serious nosedive, I continued to just eat and eat and hope that I would start to feel better. Again…this didn't work. And there is no worse feeling than only being able to fit comfortably into two pairs of your pants (yoga pants excepted, thank god for yoga pants). 


April was definitely an exciting month at work, hiring and training a brand-new staff person and a brand-new office in an area in which I haven't worked before, and getting to tour around Happy Valley Forest a little bit trying to understand the lay of the land and what my new employee will be up to out there for the next little while. However, the more days I spend out of the office the more the emails pile up, the more I get behind on important deadlines, and this all culminated with feeling extremely stressed out one morning, staying home from work to just put my head down and get a handle on things without the added aggravations in my day of packing lunch, driving downtown, walking the 10 mins to the office, chatting with my coworkers (often against my will - though less of that these days), firing up my computer, etc. etc. I just wanted to get going and get my teeth into something so I could feel like I was making some progress. That was the exact moment in time that my boss chose to call me and asked me in her kindest voice "how are you doing?". At which point I decided it was important to burst into tears and tell her I was not doing so well. Then I yelled at her (in a friendly way) for asking, and said "it's not like I would've called you to tell you that I was feeling really overwhelmed, but you were nice and asked, so this is your fault!". The important thing is that my boss has a good sense of humor and is a really kind and caring person. She actually ended up letting me off the hook on a few deadlines which massively improved April for me, taking it from miserable to manageable at work at least.. for a few moments. 


Let's not forget about the home renovation that didn't go well. Jeff and I have been dreaming about refinishing our natural oak hardwood floors that run through our front hallway dining room and out to the side entrance for years. They don't match the barnboard hardwood we have in the downstairs living room or the tiles we have in the kitchen or front entrance. We had a dream of making them blend a bit better with the light colored tiles and adding a bit more light to our fairly dark downstairs by whitewashing them. We love that rough, beachy look that you get with whitewashed natural wood and thought that would look awesome in our dining room. And I still think it would have, but at this point we will never know. On Good Friday when Jeff decided he was going to go full hog on the staining and varathaning portion of the project (after spending two maddening weekends getting the varathane off of the original hardwood, going through multiple rented sanders, reams of sand paper, and much sweat and swearing) I returned from a bike ride to find him sitting desolate on our front step. "What's wrong?" I asked "I ruined the floors". Well, that's just what every homeowner wants to hear!. The problem was that Jeff had run out of whitewash stain partway through the job and since the stores were closed there was no way to get any more stain until the first application had well dried. He was worried about the lines between the two applications blending together. I was less worried – I thought we could blend them together, sand down any overlap, and I'm sure it would look just fine because we were going for "shabby chic" anyway! On Saturday, after the second application of stain went down on the other half of the floor, we were left with a very distinct bright white diagonal line running down the middle of our front hallway and two different shades of white on either side - because no two cans of stain are ever actually the same. Jeff tried to convince me that maybe we should just varathane over it – we're going for that unfinished/messy look right? Well, I said, yes, but I didn't picture it as two tone flooring with a very distinct line running right down the center. After lots of googling, staring, test sanding, thinking, and yes, more tears from my end, Jeff suggested that maybe the best thing to do was put another coat of stain over the entire floor which would hide the line. So we did it. And it worked. However, the floor now resembled the bright white of a hockey rink under florescent lights. You could just draw on some red and blue lines and we could have a fabulous game right there in the dining room. The following weekend Jeff re-rented the sander he had used to take the varathane off in the first place and shabby chic up'd our floor by introducing variations in the bright white, grinding down to the wood in some spots, letting the grain show through in other spots, and leaving some spots with a thicker coat. The end product actually looks nice, though it was not at all what we were planning, and we now have beautiful white hardwood floors… I think I might have reached the end of my DIY rope. I'm starting to wonder if there gets a point in your life where you think "okay… life is too short. We have enough stress at work. I think we should just pay someone to do this." I don't think I'll ever convince the Dutch guy that this is the right way to go. But it's where my mind is heading.


This past weekend I spring cleaned and organized the shit out of my house. I wish I had taken before pictures of my kitchen utensil drawers, so there would be any point in posting the after pictures (most people are probably like - don't all utensil drawers have separators? no. they do not. and I do not recommend living like that for 7 years, or any amount of time!). I can't believe how much my life has changed knowing that all the wooden spoons are in one spot and I simply need to open a drawer and reach towards the same spot and a wooden spoon will be in my hand in less than two seconds. It's amazing. I'm also doing things like getting rid of old disgusting sauce stained/food-baked plastic tupperwares, and replacing them with clean shiny glass ones. I also tossed a nasty old coffee mug that always made my tea taste like garbage, and replaced it with a very fancy new one. Okay, I might have been retail therapy-ing my grief out at Kitchen Stuff Plus and Solutions the storage store, but when the end result is that fabulous, no one is going to begrudge me. Jeff and I also decided no more home renovations this spring/summer, so even though we have several hundred dollars of hardwood flooring destined for the upstairs living room and hallway sitting in our guest room, and now that we have white floors we really need to repaint the badly mismatched green/taupe walls, those things are NOT getting done while the weather is nice for bike riding. So if there's another rainy weekend coming up, maybe, but maybe not. I think these two need a break. 

Speaking of bike rides, I got back on my bike and it felt amazing. I rode to and from work today and didn't even regret it even though it was 3°C with a windchill of 0°C this morning. I ran - buggering up my hip, but when is some part of me not broken? I walked on the treadmill while devouring The Handmaid's Tale, I've taken the dog on beautiful epic walks, and hiked up and down hills in fabulous natural areas. Moving my butt feels so so good. As I joyously rode home today in the beautiful 14° sunshine I said out loud to myself "I like who I am when I exercise". I thought it was important that I write that one down somewhere. I've also been cooking again – partly due to the excellent organization of wooden spoons, and partly due to the fact that I maybe mostly didn't eat vegetables for the past seven weeks, and thought it was important that I start trying to do that again. Cooking is amazing. I forgot how nice it is to have an actual meal to simply put in a tupperware and take to work and voilà lunch. More than anything, I'm actually starting to get work under control, by saying "no" – did you know that's a philosophy you have to take on at work as well as in your personal life when you're feeling overwhelmed? Don't go along on unnecessary trips, meetings, phone calls, etc. if you can help it. Because the key to getting your actual work done is putting your head down and doing your work. And I've been able to do that several times already this month, and my to do list is finally starting to shrink, and that feels amazing. And for someone who was once afraid of delegating, I thank the universe every day that I have two permanent staff plus two summer staff to delegate every single thing I possibly can to. :-) In good news, the Happy Valley Forest is now in my portfolio of natural areas! That is so cool, and I'm so excited to get to spend a bit more time in this place that's really special to me, a place that I have been learning about since the middle of my university career. It was actually the place that got me thinking "I'd like to work at the Nature Conservancy of Canada someday" when I was researching it for a project in third year. And now I work there. But I don't have to spray the herbicides, I just get to say how important it is that we kill the garlic mustard, and then a great dedicated local team does that part. As Doreen would say, "life is good".


After Easter long weekend the worst happened. My grandmother Doreen had been recovering from surgery for colon cancer since the end of January. There were a lot of complications after her surgery, and she had recently started a round of oral chemotherapy. At 82, I was really worried that this would be too much for her system. At the start of the long weekend she been admitted to the hospital, and when I spoke to her on the phone Thursday, she asked that I wait until after Easter weekend and when she was feeling better to visit her because she didn't want me to see her in the current state she was in. That worried me – she had never said anything like that before – but I tried to put it out of my mind and hope for the best, and make sure that I ended the conversation like every phone conversation I've been ending since I found out she was sick in January – by gushingly, desperately, overwhelmingly telling her how much I loved her. I'll never forget the last words we said to each other because it was me telling her how much I loved her, and her telling me just how much she loved me too. I would highly recommend ending every conversation like this because you never know when it will be the last one. Doreen died on the Tuesday. The grief I've been processing since then, three weeks ago, isn't like anything I've ever experienced before. It's completely different from spending most of last year terrified about losing my dad to cancer. It's different than losing other grandparents I wasn't as close with, or ones I hadn't known as long. It's different than losing my beloved childhood dog Rusty. I've never felt pain like this before, and I keep wondering when it's going to stop. But I'm doing my best to feel it all, embrace the waves of grief when they come, and focus really hard on remembering everything that was wonderful about Doreen and feeling so grateful that I had the chance to have her in my life. She and my grandpa met as a fluke, but because of that I had a wonderful grandmother for over 20 years, and a wonderful friend for the past decade. We celebrated her life yesterday, and it was truly a great life. It was full of volunteer work, generosity, family, laughter, love, creating a legacy by being true to oneself, and touching the lives of many many people by simply showing interest and care in everything they had to say and all of their passions. Someone has described grief to me like an earthquake, with many aftershocks. And as awful as it feels when the aftershock consumes me, there is always a small amount of relief afterwards that grows bigger each time it happens so I know I am on some sort of forward-moving journey, and I look forward to getting to a place in time where I have just good memories, and most of the pain is erased. But oh my goodness if anyone is reading this and you have someone in your life that you cherish, make sure to tell them. And watch out for me, because if you're someone I cherish, you're going to be hearing about it.

Sad stuff aside, I have finally moved on to Marvelous May. Funeral aside, May has been a good month. I've got to spend lots of time with my new best friend my electric car Sparky, testing how to drive it, hypermiling, giving up blasting the heat in order to save the battery, searching surreptitiously for plugs everywhere I go, and loving just being able to answer the goddamn phone with the push of a button when it rings instead of fumbling through my purse for my headphones and telling whoever is calling "hang on hang on I've just got to plug in my headphones!!". I think my odds of getting into an accident over a phone call have been significantly reduced. I love Sparky and it's been a wonderful part of my early May. We did 1,200 km on our first 35L of gas plus a bunch of charges, and I'm so proud :-) 

As with any trying time, it comes to the surface how lucky you are to have people who will stand by your side. So thank you so much to my hubby, my friends (with the usual VIP shoutout to Dawn - mother of a 2 month old who was there for me when I needed her, no questions), and my incredible work colleagues for being so sympathetic, so understanding, and so supportive – exactly what I needed during an awful time. You know I'll have your back if you're ever feeling as down as I have been feeling. I don't wish you this pain, but this pain means that you love someone deeply and all the way through. And what would life be without that?

So I'll continue with Marvelous May. Exercising, cooking, walking Bailey in the sunshine, spending time with great friends, smiling and closing my eyes with the top down on the convertible as we drive to Boston for the long weekend, relishing the amazing biodiversity that all of my gorgeous natural areas have to offer when I'm lucky enough to be in them, and being grateful that even though my job is insanely busy, I still manage to find work-life balance, and at the end of the day I'm doing something I can feel good about. So goodbye forever on April 2017, hello Marvelous May, and I'm looking forward to a Jubilant June. Happy Spring all.

La Vie

I don't have any one coherent theme to write about, or one story to tell, but my fingers are itching to write (and a sub NY resolution I made to blog at least once a month is tickling at me!). Gotta keep the ol' finger muscles limber. And life has been anything but boring these days!

As many saw (and liked, and loved, and shared - so greatly appreciated) - my dad finished chemo treatments in January. I can't even tell you what sort of light that brought to our lives!! I was on a high for a good couple of weeks, just knowing this crappy chapter was behind us. He wants to live life now not thinking/stressing about cancer, and taking it as it comes - sounds good to me. My parents are off to Mexico for their "fresh start" vacation in Baja in a week - I'm so happy for them, and hope they have a blast - they deserve it after a very trying 9 months!

Post-gong ring with my parents - my mom says she's doing her best penguin impression

Jeff's been traveling to Chicago every Monday - Friday since early August, with the exception of about one week per month, and the entire lovely month of October. And after the pleasant surprise of him getting TWO whole weeks off from this madness in mid-Feb, we've found out that he's only 1-2 weeks away from being finished this madness for good! Woohoo! I've mostly been fine about him being away because I have major bouts of introversion, love being alone with myself, and struggle significantly with aspects of sharing a bed with another hot, breathy, space-taking human. Plus when he's not here, I subscribe to a philosophy of: if Kristyn eats yogurt and granola for dinner every night and no one's around to witness it, it does not make a crunching sound... All that being said, I miss my guy. I'm just generally much happier when he's around. My dinner date, my movie date, my daily debriefing on life date, my therapist, my sounding board. Life is much better with Jeff in it, that's for sure. And the burden of caring for a whole house basically by myself is not the best - there is no less dog hair accumulating when Jeff's away and Bailey is still refusing to learn how to work the vacuum cleaner. And there is no less snow/ice/salt/slush outside on those mandatory 2x/day winter dog walks (Bailey is a drill sergeant). So I'm definitely looking forward to life returning to normal. Even if it means escaping to the spare room a few nights a week for a precious uninterrupted 8 hours :)

My guy!

The update from my adventure in theater last month was that I did not get a part in I Hate Hamlet, but have become quite immersed in things over there ever since. I'm a box office volunteer, which meant learning a new tricky ticket-selling computer system, and dealing with hordes of people staring at me like it was my fault they arrived 5 minutes before showtime, whilst I fumbled with the cash drawer. It was fun though - I did about 6 shifts at the box office, including two on performance nights just to remind my heart that I am well and fully alive (i.e. terrified). I also took in the performance one night when I wasn't working, and really enjoyed the play. None of the 'cheese' of community theatre I was slightly expecting - it was professional, funny, entertaining and completely well done, start to finish, full of very talented actors. Jeff and I really enjoyed it and now I'm super excited for I Hate Hamlet, which, drumroll, I'm going to be assistant stage managing!! A role that mostly involves running around backstage wearing a headset and feeding actors their lines for the last month of rehearsals before production. And I get to learn how to work a smoke machine.. cool! Seems like a great group of folks working on the play, so this should be fun.. and busy!! With rehearsals at least 3x/week. And this play is genuinely funny, like I laughed out loud during AUDITIONS, so let me know if you're interested in coming out some night to check it out!! I'm also thinking of getting my Smart Serve license so I can volunteer at the bar, because that seemed somehow less intimidating than working in the box office - then again, people waiting on drinks might end up being more intense! All in all, I like being at the theatre - it's cool to immerse myself in a totally new experience, with totally new people, just when I was wondering a bit about the ability for an old dog to learn new tricks. ;)

Another FAVE activity from the past month or so has been TRIVIA NIGHT! I've been playing with a group of friends from the Guelph KW Childfree Meetup (I understand that the term "Childfree" can be confusing to some - to be clear, it's people who have made a conscious decision not to have children - not those who can't have them/don't happen to have them, and it doesn't refer to hanging out with other adults without kids around - although I guess that's par for the course since we don't have them, it's not the point). I developed a mild trivia obsession last fall when I subbed in on my parents team from time to time around my dad's chemo appointments. I am not good. I mean, I'm ok. If there's an obscure 90s rock song to identify, I'm your girl - when I know something, I KNOW IT. And if we're talking science, there's a good chance I've got your back. But history, a lot of geography and anything from pop culture before the 90s I am basically completely clueless about. Good news is when you put 6 heads together, including Greg, one of those people who just knows a lot of random stuff, you can actually do quite well. We haven't scored on the rock bottom of the teams pile yet, and will be at it again on Monday, hoping to lump ourselves in the top half - stay tuned! My competitive, trivia-obsessed self aside, it's been great getting to spend even more time with people from the group, and meeting new ones too. We've been getting together for about a year and a half total now, and it's been really awesome to chill with people who are living a life that looks a lot like yours does. It doesn't take away from any of my existing friendships (how could it; I have the BEST long-term/old-timey/from kindergarten/high school/university friends in the world!), but just as I recognize that friends with kids need to be with other parents who are living similar lives to them, the connections I'm making in this group feed my soul in a totally new, different and unanticipatedly awesome way. So glad we found each other, fellow CFers!!

Work has been utter bananas. I've been training a new direct report who works remotely, who mostly looks terrified about how complex a place NCC is to work, but she needs to give herself more credit, because she's rocking it! Still, it's taken a lot of energy and parts of my brain I haven't really activated in awhile (e.g. not speaking fully in acronyms). Then, I'm taking on a new territory and new Natural Area - the Happy Valley Forest in King City, ON, just north of TO. This area has a rich history - good, bad, ugly, beautiful trees, garlic mustard everywhere, you name it - which I'm now having to download from the brain of fellow program director Mark. It's meant a couple of gorgeous winter hikes, and also a lot of wide awake staring at the ceiling in the early morning hours, wondering just how much of my time/energy this place is going to take up. Only time will tell, but one thing is for sure, I can promise you a beautiful and athletic hike anytime you want it. Message me for details on the Happy Valley Forest and how to access it :) I don't see the madness letting up anytime soon, but who am I kidding, I tend not to want it any other way!

After an athletic adventure through kame moraine forest on Thursday morning with fast-moving Parka Mark

The official handoff of Happy Valley Forest, trying to pretend we know how to be professional....

My step-grandma, (82, lives in Toronto) underwent surgery last month - it took us all by surprise, as she had learned in December that she had colon cancer. She didn't tell my family until my dad's chemo was over in mid-January because she didn't want to "burden us". Doreen!!!! Seriously. Luckily she came through surgery well - there have been a few complications that kept her in the hospital longer than anticipated, but she is home now and doing ok. Her spirits are high as ever, a Doreen trademark, and she makes a point to tell us just how well she is feeling and how fine she is going to be. When I called, devastated, to wish her luck before her surgery with 2 days notice, she ended up cheering me up because she was so damn positive. If there's anyone to aim to be like, it's Doreen. I yelled a few times "2017 was supposed to be a better year! NO CANCER!".. then realized how futile it is to think you have control over ANYTHING. All you can do is deal with the hand you're given. I'm so lucky to still have a grandparent in my life, I know. If people out there are still lucky enough to have grandparents, be sure to give them a great big hug, and give them a call from time to time. It's so easy to let busy life get in the way, but that was my 2016 lesson for sure - don't take anyone you love for granted, ever. You just never know.

Doreen and I at my wedding (FIVE years ago - time flies!)

And because Doreen is the patron saint of world travel, she would like this next update: to celebrate the end of Jeff's work travels, we booked a long weekend trip to Boston on May 2-4. The plan: get in our convertible, top down, driiiive, eat seafood, explore the city, eat more seafood, see more city, see some ocean, relax and enjoy spring in a place I've never been before (Jeff will be my tour guide; he's done a fair bit of major US city travel for work!). That got my travel bug all riled up, and since I realized we're only 7 months out from September, I booked our B.C. grizzly bear vacation too! I've always wanted to see the heart of the Great Bear Rainforest and I've, embarrassingly, never been further west than Winnipeg, so it's about time! The goal is simply 10 days exploring Victoria, Vancouver, Whistler, Williams Lake, Bella Coola and taking in the sights on an 18 hour ferry ride from Port Hardy up the coast and through countless channels and inlets. We cut it short from our typical 14 days so we could ensure Jeff had enough vacation time for Michelle and Matt's destination wedding in Costa Rica in December!!! I was just cruising accommodations sites last night, getting excited about the idea of sandals, tropical birds, monkeys, swimming and being "too hot" (according to many reviews) in December. HA! I'm so very cold. I'll take it! I've never been to a destination wedding before, and am basically completely obsessed with weddings, and love the beach, so I'm thinking this will be one awesome week. M&M have promised lots of fun excursions, so if there's an SUP in Costa Rica waiting for me, I'm going to be one happy clam.

This will be Jeff and I in Bella Coola!

Playa Langosta, 2015. Ready for a return trip in 2017, for sure!! Monkeys everywhere!!

Last bit of news: I built and ordered my CHEVY VOLT!!! That's right - taking the plunge, electric car!! The government rebate on this car just went up to $14,000, if anyone else is thinking of making this kind of move - it definitely helps with the sticker shock (for someone who's exclusively bought used cars for her whole life!). The gas savings should be significant - it can go 85k on a charge (and then a 200-300km range gas generator kicks in, on longer trips). So any in town stuff will be gas-free, including my daily commute (though I hope to do a lot more of that on bike or foot come spring/summer/fall!). Plus, it's a really bright shiny blue colour that just makes my day. Only 8 weeks until it's ready.. augggggh. Patience is not really my thing.. working on it. Thanks to my cousin Tyler for the sweet family/friends discount, too - if you're in the market for a GM, look up Tyler Ferguson at Strickland's in Brantford. :) Currently Jetta is struggling through warped brake rotors (third time in 4 months - obviously something bigger going on), an interior styled with a thick coat of dog hair that can't/won't be cleaned, a trunk that opens, but does not close especially in cold weather, a shorted out driver's heated seat that delivers either nothing (on Level 0), or scorching burning pain to your lower back (on Level 1), a useless after market bluetooth on which I sound like I'm 1000 miles away, permanently salt-stained floors, rust patches so intense they've rotted out full blown holes, a variety of fender-bender (none my fault, honestly!) scratches all over the back/back sides, a passenger door that requires ultimate strength to shove open and jam closed, and 233,000kms of fond, worn out memories. Thank you Jetta for your loyal 7 years of service. Your parts will make many other cars happy as Jeff tears you to pieces and sells you this spring!!

Goodbye Jetta (who does NOT look like this anymore.. neither does our street for that matter!! wow!)

Hello Volt

Closing remarks - I'm effing stoked about this long weekend. I took a vacation day yesterday after a 14 hour day of Happy Valley Forest meetings/tours on Thursday, which consisted of a lot of napping, reading, eating, dog-walking and relaxing. Then there's all this warm weather in the forecast this weekend. I'm trying not to think about what's behind it, but just recognizing it is what it is, and sunshine and warmth in February make my heart sing. I have a goal to get on my bike when I go to visit my dad in Niagara on the Lake tomorrow where they aren't sporting 5' snowbanks like Guelph - stay tuned!! I've also got ANOTHER Leafs game tonight at the ACC (it's Leafs week!) after their stunning 7-1 victory on Tuesday (thanks, my sweaty Valentines!), and trivia on Monday to look forward to. :):)

Hoping everyone else has a wonderful long weekend - wishing you happiness, warmth, sunshine, relaxation and all the rest of it!

Scaring Myself For Fun

So on Sunday night I decided to take myself up on one of my New Year's resolutions - to audition for community theatre. In truth, I've been staring at the Guelph Little Theatre website intermittently over the past 7-8 years: "Actors/Auditions"... Sometimes I would close the webpage because "who am I to even be looking at this?". Sometimes I would close it because of work travel conflicts during the audition or production schedule (yes, sure, nothing to do with that other reason..). But this year, I kept the webpage open.... And I emailed the director to reserve an audition spot. And I found the play on Kobo and bought it for a cool $11.. and I read.

The play is called I Hate Hamlet, and as I've witnessed some truly awful plays in my day, I didn't have high hopes. But it's a pure comedy and it actually made me laugh out loud. So as I'm reading it through, here and there I start murmuring the lines of Deirdre and Felicia, the two characters who could foreseeably be played by a woman in her 20s/30s. And I kind of like them both. I really like Deirdre, she's dramatic, and overwrought, and funny without knowing she's being funny.

Out of curiosity I searched for the play on YouTube and found several types of Deirdres either acting in a version of the play, or auditioning for it. Pretty ones.. homely ones.. Talented ones.. confusingly bad ones... Young ones... old ones. And you know what, it was those Deirdres that gave me the confidence I need to be my own Deirdre - not that young, not that talented, not too homely, with a thick streak of "terrified!" running through her core.

Since I haven't acted in anything since high school, I have no idea if I know how to act, I just know that I like to. I took drama class for many years, but if I remember correctly drama class was a place where Jana and I would compare our funky socks since we couldn't wear shoes in the room, and I would try to catch the eye of my latest crush across the circle we sat in cross-legged to start the day. So. not so big on the technique, etc. So I filmed myself with the iPad while reading lines from the play off of my iPhone, and Deirdre'd it up on Saturday and Sunday of this weekend while Jeff was out walking the dog. The audition was intended to be a "cold read" from the script, but as I am me, I wanted to be uber-prepared! UBER!!! It's always been my theory that if you're nervous about presenting or performing something, practice practice practice until it's old hat and then at least it's one less thing to worry about (then factors like all those eyes on you, the bright lights, what to do with your hands, etc. become what you worry about, but at least not your material!). Watching it back was one of the more mortifying life experiences I've had. Showing it to Jeff was about 1000x worse. Because I spent most of Sunday feeling nervously sick about how I'd decided to spend my evening, I knew I was going to cry at some point during the day. Unfortunately, being me, when bad emotions (grief, worry, anger, sadness) build up inside me, they are only effectively released by crying, which often builds over many hours and then explodes out unproductively.. (I would like to trade in this trait. Would anyone like this instead of something they've got going on? I'll take anything else in return!!!) So when Jeff watched my 2 minute Deirdre monologue, and then told me it was "good", I promptly burst into tears since obviously I wanted it to be "great" OR I wanted some constructive criticism on what could be better so I could work on it. Looking overwhelmed and lost, Jeff couldn't give me any more than what he'd already said (using the defense of "I'm not a play critic! I don't even watch plays, so how could I know what I'm supposed to be looking for?"). So we went to the gym and forgot about Hamlet.. for a bit...

I managed to choke down dinner, get ready, and I arrived at 6:50 p.m. for the 7 p.m. audition, to a sketchy building deep in the Ward, wearing a lot of makeup and a nice outfit including tall boots - figured I'd get extra points for being not too painful to look at and then if they were on the fence maybe they'd pick that blonde girl with all the eyeliner, who wouldn't stop smiling like a nervous maniac.

I was so nervous walking in I could hardly look the other actors in the face to say hello. I had peed twice before leaving home and peed again twice more in the following 20 minutes. Yup, nervous peeing - that was a new one for me. I filled out my form: "Deirdre/Felicia". Acting experience: "high school - I'm rusty, but enthusiastic! :)" (yes, I actually wrote this). Then I sat in a half-moon of 20 chairs facing the table with the director and the stage manager and producer and realized, oh god, we were doing a group freaking audition - 20 of us!!!! I grew more and more nervous as more people walked in who obviously knew the theatre, knew the director, and had acted before. You could just hear it in their voices - projecting across the room, huge boisterous laughs... and then the fact that they were chatting about the current production that they're all starring in together. Luckily our first activity was to interview our seatmate and present on them, so at least Rob, who acts and directs regularly at the theatre, was super nice and encouraging. I saw a little red flag when he encouraged me to DEFINITELY volunteer to help run the next production. I haven't even auditioned and I'm already out?

But that's the thing. I was already out. It was clear as soon as several of the other pretty women my age, wearing makeup and knee high boots, read their lines from the play (their first time seeing it, but they rolled with it very well) and I was captivated by the way they talked, and moved, and their confidence. I actually loved watching the men audition for the three male parts, because there were so many great lines that got big, genuine laughs from the director and the rest of us. So it was at first intimidating, and then just inspiring, to watch practiced actors just being actors. And when it was my turn, hands shaking, cheeks PURPLE, I did my best to be Felicia, even throwing in a little New York accent as the script suggests. I liked the Andrew I read with, he was fun to watch process his lines and spit them back out - often with enough comedic timing to get a laugh.

At 9:45 (YUP), the director said "well, I think we're done here. Honestly, I think we could cast the play out of what we saw tonight. And we still have another 20 people coming tomorrow." One seasoned actor joked: "lock the door! put up a sign auditions are cancelled!". Ha! She was actually nervous about getting a part. That made me feel better somehow - maybe it's always a little bit nerve wracking when you're trying hard at something you care about. The director asked: "did anyone not get to read for a character they're interested in?". And myself and another novice wannabe Felicia/Deirdre raised our hands and noted we hadn't read for Deirdre. I actually pointed the director to the Deirdre-dominated scene in the back of the play that I'd practiced via iPad and he assigned me the same Andrew, and I went for it! Overwrought, loud, arms everywhere - I was Deirdre!! It was really fun. I didn't land the one funny line, which was a bit sad. My face was really purple. Rob gave me a high five when I was done. Hey.. that felt ok. Secretly, I thought I did better than the other Deirdre who read after me.. maybe because I'd been practicing (I tried not to seem like I had inadvertently memorized a bunch of it haha).

When I left I thanked the production heads and they said "It was GREAT to meet you." That was really nice!! However, callbacks were last night, and I didn't hear anything, so alas, I think the ship has sailed on my moment to be Deirdre. But I'll not soon forget my day of playing her, and my two minutes presenting her, and I'll definitely be happy to humbly sling drinks at the bar during intermission of the production in April, and try again, and again, and see what happens. :)

Summary recommendation: do things that scare you. I wanted to bail about 20x on Sunday, but I couldn't be more glad I went through with it. Truly scary, truly exhilarating, truly a lot of fun.

"I decided to drown myself
Like Ophelia!
In Central Park Lake.. isn't that perfect??
So I stood up on a rock,
And braided wildflowers into my hair...
And I looked down into the water...
But then.. I lost my nerve."

A Good Fucking Day!

You never know what Friday the 13th is going to bring.. It always feels a little ominous to me. But this Friday the 13th I will simply never forget! <3

Bailey and I had a great walk this morning, even in that cold wind, enjoying the fresh air and snippets of blue sky as we strolled through the park. Most of the ice had cleared up so conditions weren't as insanely treacherous (he only fell once - atta boy buddy). I was reminded that I met one of the greatest loves of my life, my furry boyfriend, Stinky B, Mr. B, Baileyboy, Senor Stinky on this day four years ago today. It's amazing how fast time goes. I genuinely can't imagine my life without him!

Work was productive again today - I feel like I've been on a roll in the office this week, knocking off tasks left, right and center. I'm still high from yesterday's signing of an amendment to an agreement of purchase and sale to buy 425 acres in the Minesing Wetlands - the last big private landholding in the entire Natural Area. And it's going to happen. THIS YEAR! This piece of land I've only dreamed about acquiring will be OURS! It's full of rare species, a rare wetland habitat - it's just gorgeous. And someone came forward and just handed us the money to make the deal happen - one of those amazing donors that you just didn't see coming.

THEN, I got the news that we can tap into $15,000 (!!!!) for a seriously expensive restoration project I've been working on in Creemore for YEARS. It's running up mega bills, but is highly important (liability reduction/fisheries protection), so any chunk of change we can throw at it is great.. $15k you didn't even write a grant application for? I'll take it!!

Then I had a lovely lunch which was actually like a blind date.. another childfree person from the Meetup site found my profile and reached out because she thought we sounded similar -  married, mid-30s, dog lovers, living in Guelph. And it was so nice to make another new connection with someone walking the slightly different path in life that I'm walking, too. Anyone who wants to talk about dogs for most of an hour long coffee date is cool in my books. I just think it's a real pleasure making new connections - something I don't get to do as much of as I'd like. She's going to aim to join our little weekly trivia group, which as an aside was a huge highlight of my week. In the span of 3 months I've turned into a total trivia loser. I love it! SUCH a nerd.

FINALLY... I found out we were the successful applicants of a $180,000 3-year grant to do work in those incredible Minesing Wetlands. I'll admit I started crying a little right there in my office. A small part of my soul went into that grant application in November, and to GET THE MONEY, which will pay for SO MUCH OF MY TIME and my new staff person's time.. JUST OMG!! I am over the moon. OVER IT!!!!!!

I capped off this brilliant day with ordering pizza (pizza makes my heart happy, even if it makes my stomach generally disappointed..), walking Bailey under gently falling snowflakes while singing out loud to an old USS album I had forgotten all about (and garnering strange looks from neighbours - nothing new there), setting up the Leafs game to tape and watch with.. speak of the devil...the greatest hubby in the world just walked through the door after being away for 5 days, so that's my cue to exit!

Welllll..... I owe the universe a miserable, complainy post after all this damn happiness (feel like I'm tempting the gods.. bad harvest! bad harvest! (Downton anyone?)), so I promise to report back with utter transparency the next time something feels shitty, goes shittily, or is just plan shit. I have an audition for a community theater play on Sunday night so I guarantee I'm going to vomit in terror, trip up the stage, fail miserably, or humiliate myself.. so stay tuned for that!!!

Happy weekend, all. TGIF!!