I've been having a less than optimal 2018, although it has been packed with great things and highlights among the tragedy and stressors. I was thinking that I would need to create at least 10 blog posts to get caught up on this year. But what I've learned is that you can't spend too much time looking backwards, you can't stop time. And no matter how hard I try I won't be able to capture all the sad, all the beautiful, and all the happy. So with that being said here is a short series of blurbs about the first half of 2018. Really looking forward to a much better second-half – come on quarters three and four!
In February 2018 my boss Wendy, who had been covering both the positions of Regional Vice President and Director of Conservation since the passing of our RVP James (suddenly and tragically in January) realized that the two positions were too much for one person, so she passed along the bulk of the Director of Conservation job to me. We didn't have the foresight to backfill my role, not knowing how long it would be before Ontario Region hired a new RVP, so I spent mid February 2018 to mid June 2018 absolutely drowning. Something weird happened, that enabled me to get all the work done for both positions, supervising a total of 11 staff out of Ontario's 35 full-time staff, meeting deadlines, completing business planning, and somehow keeping enough balls in the air that nothing went off the tracks, and some pressing long-term problems even got resolved. I don't know how to describe it except it felt like I kicked it into some sort of high gear I didn't even know I had in me. But what I should've realized it was four months spent in this gear was going to destroy me. And it did. I've experienced burnout before at work, and decently stayed away from it since that time, but here I was again, burned to an absolute crisp. When I look back at pictures or messages from that time I can see and feel my stress – it was tangible, unsustainable and it really took a toll on me. Luckily, when Wendy and I realized that there would not be a new VP hired until at least the fall, I cried mercy, she answered swiftly, and we found a backfill for my position. The backfill is the person from whom I took over the job in 2012, so I couldn't think of a better person to take my place to allow me to focus on the DOC job, allow Wendy to focus on the VP job, and for all of us to truly make sure that everything stays on track and even makes nice progress ahead. Again, it's not to say there weren't highlights during these four months, like my meeting with Margaret Atwood (fangirling hugely), our annual staff retreat, trying out floating (sensory deprivation in saltwater) for three wonderful separate hours of oblivion throughout the month of April, a couple of stolen vacation days which were sanity makers, fun events like the Cardin Challenge, and lots of great memories with friends on weekends and weeknights, and as always clinging to the liferaft I know as Jeff. But Oh. My. Goodness: I couldn't be more glad that it's over. My replacement is now up and running so for at least the next couple of months I will have just one job, this new and interesting challenge of DOC for Ontario Region, and it will be interesting to see what this job actually looks like without the constraints of my usual position preventing me from thinking it the DOC job is anything except sheer and utter torture! ;-)
In February 2018 my boss Wendy, who had been covering both the positions of Regional Vice President and Director of Conservation since the passing of our RVP James (suddenly and tragically in January) realized that the two positions were too much for one person, so she passed along the bulk of the Director of Conservation job to me. We didn't have the foresight to backfill my role, not knowing how long it would be before Ontario Region hired a new RVP, so I spent mid February 2018 to mid June 2018 absolutely drowning. Something weird happened, that enabled me to get all the work done for both positions, supervising a total of 11 staff out of Ontario's 35 full-time staff, meeting deadlines, completing business planning, and somehow keeping enough balls in the air that nothing went off the tracks, and some pressing long-term problems even got resolved. I don't know how to describe it except it felt like I kicked it into some sort of high gear I didn't even know I had in me. But what I should've realized it was four months spent in this gear was going to destroy me. And it did. I've experienced burnout before at work, and decently stayed away from it since that time, but here I was again, burned to an absolute crisp. When I look back at pictures or messages from that time I can see and feel my stress – it was tangible, unsustainable and it really took a toll on me. Luckily, when Wendy and I realized that there would not be a new VP hired until at least the fall, I cried mercy, she answered swiftly, and we found a backfill for my position. The backfill is the person from whom I took over the job in 2012, so I couldn't think of a better person to take my place to allow me to focus on the DOC job, allow Wendy to focus on the VP job, and for all of us to truly make sure that everything stays on track and even makes nice progress ahead. Again, it's not to say there weren't highlights during these four months, like my meeting with Margaret Atwood (fangirling hugely), our annual staff retreat, trying out floating (sensory deprivation in saltwater) for three wonderful separate hours of oblivion throughout the month of April, a couple of stolen vacation days which were sanity makers, fun events like the Cardin Challenge, and lots of great memories with friends on weekends and weeknights, and as always clinging to the liferaft I know as Jeff. But Oh. My. Goodness: I couldn't be more glad that it's over. My replacement is now up and running so for at least the next couple of months I will have just one job, this new and interesting challenge of DOC for Ontario Region, and it will be interesting to see what this job actually looks like without the constraints of my usual position preventing me from thinking it the DOC job is anything except sheer and utter torture! ;-)
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| Carden Challenge highlight: a Red-shouldered Hawk carrying a weasel in its claws. Photo credit Bill McIntyre |
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| No better way to spend 24 hours in the Carden Alvar :) With my team the Bruce and Spruce Moose |
So.... when you are overstressed, what else is there to do but sign up for a triathlon, doubling the distance of any triathlon you've done before. So that's what I did! On June 17 the Guelph Lake 1 Sprint Distance Triathlon took place, and I crossed the finish line! I'm not going to pretend I didn't cross the finish line 20th from last out of hundreds of participants, but I'm also very proud that I did cross it and in a reasonable time of two hours and two minutes. It included a 750 m swim, a 19 km bike ride, and a 5 km walk. You're supposed to run that last bit, but with my recurring foot injury due to a loose and unsupportive ligament in my right foot, running is off the table for me. However, I learned that I can walk 5K in 42 minutes, which is pretty excellent! The swim was intense – this race is full of professional triathletes and very serious triathlon club members who take it all VERY seriously. The way people swim in this race almost just makes me laugh every time I'm in the water with them – the splashing, the intensity, the fierceness – when I tried to escape to the outside of the pack on one of the corners one guy lifted his head from the water and frantically screamed at me "you need to go this way!". I think he was thinking that I was just going to keep swimming for the great beyond. He was so stressed out my response was only to laugh. I'm proud I made it out of the water in about 21 minutes, front crawling almost the whole way. Switching to a road bike this year was definitely an advantage, and I think my speed of 23 km/hr on the bike ride was good. Finally, the walk was actually the most fun part for me because I got to chat with other people who were at the back of the pack and not so intensely competitive, and we encouraged each other all the way to the finish line. Getting that medal felt great. It reinforced my love for multisport, and solidified the fact that I'm done with running (at least for now until my foot is in better shape, should I ever be able to get it to that place through annoying physio and strengthening exercises which, really, I just hate). So that means my next event is going to be a "swim/bike", in Niagara on July 29. It's the same distance swim – 750 m – but a 25 kilometer bike ride, including a 1km climb straight up the Niagara escarpment, which should be an interesting challenge. I've ridden up the escarpment one time before, but who's to say I can't just do that again! Also, I had to buy a new tri top due to my excess pounds gained this year from grief and stress eating, rendering me NOT sports bra/tight shorts ready, so I've got to get my money's worth and take it out for at least a few more races!
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| My parents came to the finish line for me bc Jeff was in Germany, then my dad took this supremely dorky photo for me when we got home |
I used to always share the stories where I did the stupidest things, and I don't want this post to be an exception. Jeff, my parents and I, were cycling the Waterfront Trail in Burlington/Oakville in May and having a good decent long ride. Jeff had fallen behind due to an equipment issue, so my parents and I turned onto a side street off Lakeshore to wait for him to catch up, and get out of the traffic ourselves. As we waited, we suddenly saw a blur of black on a black bike zoom past, and it didn't stop even when we shouted "Jeff! Jeff!". I was feeling cocky due to recent triathlon training, so I decided to chase Jeff down on my bike. For a good 1.5 km I rode flat out at 33 km/h, but was barely closing the gap. Jeff was riding so fast, presumably to catch up to the rest of us, and even though I was shouting his name he didn't appear to be able to hear me, so I just kept riding and yelling "Jeff! Jeff!". When I saw his head tipped back slightly I screamed "yeah! You!" And " Jeff" stopped. As I neared him I realized that this was not Jeff at all but another cyclist who seemed very shaken up by the angry blonde girl speeding towards him and screaming. I simply said "you are not my husband. You are wearing identical outfits and we lost him. I am SO sorry." I turned around and rode back to where my parents were, and couldn't tell them the story because I was laughing so hard. Luckily we reunited with the real Jeff again at some point along the way and finished our ride.
I want to reflect on all the loss that has happened in early 2018, because I don't want to run away from the idea that death is an inevitable part of life. I know it's just going to keep happening. I keep thinking "don't I get a break from this?", But it just keeps happening and as I get older, everyone I love is going get older too. So to the bosses, moms, aunts, sisters, pregnancies, and all the other losses that were suffered during the first half of 2018, know that you were all loved, that you are also dearly missed, and that the rest of us lucky enough to persevere on this planet will do our best to live
I want to reflect on all the loss that has happened in early 2018, because I don't want to run away from the idea that death is an inevitable part of life. I know it's just going to keep happening. I keep thinking "don't I get a break from this?", But it just keeps happening and as I get older, everyone I love is going get older too. So to the bosses, moms, aunts, sisters, pregnancies, and all the other losses that were suffered during the first half of 2018, know that you were all loved, that you are also dearly missed, and that the rest of us lucky enough to persevere on this planet will do our best to live
our lives right, for you.
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| My Aunt Lynne, who passed away on June 28 2018. I'm grateful for the good memories. |
I recently listened to a great podcast featuring Sarah Knight, an author who I hadn't heard of before, and it was a pretty awesome game changer. It inspired me to download and gobble up her e-book The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving a F*ck (for the record, I am reading or listening to at least 1 to 2 books per week, resurrecting my old grade 5 nickname of "Books" which I know at the least will make Dawn laugh pretty hard). The premise of this spin on Marie's Kondo's classic (around here anyways: instant classic ;)) was to be more authentically you, whatever that means, and recognize and stick to a big list of all the things you have decided are going to care about, and especially all the things you are not going to care about. I found the process of writing both lists incredibly enlightening, uplifting, and freeing,. Writing down words like "I don't care about gardening" and "I never have to run again in my entire life if I don't want to" and "I don't want to discuss current events for more than 5 minutes when I am socializing with people I care about" was so freeing. It's allowing me to own parts of what I want to give my energy to, without yielding to the fact that everybody thinks as a naturalist I should be an amazing gardener, or that as a bright girl I probably want to talk about politics – I don't – politics absolutely depress and disgust me most of the time and I can't handle the pain. On the flipside of that, writing a list of things I did care about, which I dabbled in during my "manifesto" of 2015, was reaffirmation that spending time with people I care about, reading, writing, outdoor fitness, travel, TV shows I love like The Affair (augh - so good - inhaling it right now!), are absolutely things I could, should, would, and will give my time and energy too (that is a sample of the 6 things from a list of like 60 - yikes!). Awesome! Now the trick is continuing to populate the list and remembering that I don't have to care about things that I genuinely don't care about. Whether or not you think I should do them, should care about them, and whatever expectation you have for me – sorry to tell you, if they're on my don't give a f*ck list, they're out of here! If you're interested in taking deep into who you are and what matters to you today, to help you focus how you want to spend your time and energy, I would highly recommend her book.
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It feels so nice to share some life updates and musings, and just to write again, even though writing these days is mostly with my voice because of my persistent tennis elbow issues (as such any crazy grammar errors I blame on my dictation program!). I hope to get back into the swing of writing blog posts regularly and reflecting on some of the things going on in my life, new things I'm thinking about, and sharing of ridiculous stories. It's my hope that putting my thoughts into the world will make people feel less alone if they are thinking about some of the same things as me, inspired to take action in their own lives in a new way they hadn't thought about, to be very sure that they don't want their life to look anything like my life, and best of all if I can get it, to make somebody laugh.... ("Jeff! Jeff!!!!").
It feels so nice to share some life updates and musings, and just to write again, even though writing these days is mostly with my voice because of my persistent tennis elbow issues (as such any crazy grammar errors I blame on my dictation program!). I hope to get back into the swing of writing blog posts regularly and reflecting on some of the things going on in my life, new things I'm thinking about, and sharing of ridiculous stories. It's my hope that putting my thoughts into the world will make people feel less alone if they are thinking about some of the same things as me, inspired to take action in their own lives in a new way they hadn't thought about, to be very sure that they don't want their life to look anything like my life, and best of all if I can get it, to make somebody laugh.... ("Jeff! Jeff!!!!").
Last up: I booked our flights to Quito this week. Galapagos Oct/Nov 2018 here we commmmmmme!!!!
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| Waved Albatross who only live and breed in Galapagos - this bird is thigh-tall for reference! |
