Scaring Myself For Fun

So on Sunday night I decided to take myself up on one of my New Year's resolutions - to audition for community theatre. In truth, I've been staring at the Guelph Little Theatre website intermittently over the past 7-8 years: "Actors/Auditions"... Sometimes I would close the webpage because "who am I to even be looking at this?". Sometimes I would close it because of work travel conflicts during the audition or production schedule (yes, sure, nothing to do with that other reason..). But this year, I kept the webpage open.... And I emailed the director to reserve an audition spot. And I found the play on Kobo and bought it for a cool $11.. and I read.

The play is called I Hate Hamlet, and as I've witnessed some truly awful plays in my day, I didn't have high hopes. But it's a pure comedy and it actually made me laugh out loud. So as I'm reading it through, here and there I start murmuring the lines of Deirdre and Felicia, the two characters who could foreseeably be played by a woman in her 20s/30s. And I kind of like them both. I really like Deirdre, she's dramatic, and overwrought, and funny without knowing she's being funny.

Out of curiosity I searched for the play on YouTube and found several types of Deirdres either acting in a version of the play, or auditioning for it. Pretty ones.. homely ones.. Talented ones.. confusingly bad ones... Young ones... old ones. And you know what, it was those Deirdres that gave me the confidence I need to be my own Deirdre - not that young, not that talented, not too homely, with a thick streak of "terrified!" running through her core.

Since I haven't acted in anything since high school, I have no idea if I know how to act, I just know that I like to. I took drama class for many years, but if I remember correctly drama class was a place where Jana and I would compare our funky socks since we couldn't wear shoes in the room, and I would try to catch the eye of my latest crush across the circle we sat in cross-legged to start the day. So. not so big on the technique, etc. So I filmed myself with the iPad while reading lines from the play off of my iPhone, and Deirdre'd it up on Saturday and Sunday of this weekend while Jeff was out walking the dog. The audition was intended to be a "cold read" from the script, but as I am me, I wanted to be uber-prepared! UBER!!! It's always been my theory that if you're nervous about presenting or performing something, practice practice practice until it's old hat and then at least it's one less thing to worry about (then factors like all those eyes on you, the bright lights, what to do with your hands, etc. become what you worry about, but at least not your material!). Watching it back was one of the more mortifying life experiences I've had. Showing it to Jeff was about 1000x worse. Because I spent most of Sunday feeling nervously sick about how I'd decided to spend my evening, I knew I was going to cry at some point during the day. Unfortunately, being me, when bad emotions (grief, worry, anger, sadness) build up inside me, they are only effectively released by crying, which often builds over many hours and then explodes out unproductively.. (I would like to trade in this trait. Would anyone like this instead of something they've got going on? I'll take anything else in return!!!) So when Jeff watched my 2 minute Deirdre monologue, and then told me it was "good", I promptly burst into tears since obviously I wanted it to be "great" OR I wanted some constructive criticism on what could be better so I could work on it. Looking overwhelmed and lost, Jeff couldn't give me any more than what he'd already said (using the defense of "I'm not a play critic! I don't even watch plays, so how could I know what I'm supposed to be looking for?"). So we went to the gym and forgot about Hamlet.. for a bit...

I managed to choke down dinner, get ready, and I arrived at 6:50 p.m. for the 7 p.m. audition, to a sketchy building deep in the Ward, wearing a lot of makeup and a nice outfit including tall boots - figured I'd get extra points for being not too painful to look at and then if they were on the fence maybe they'd pick that blonde girl with all the eyeliner, who wouldn't stop smiling like a nervous maniac.

I was so nervous walking in I could hardly look the other actors in the face to say hello. I had peed twice before leaving home and peed again twice more in the following 20 minutes. Yup, nervous peeing - that was a new one for me. I filled out my form: "Deirdre/Felicia". Acting experience: "high school - I'm rusty, but enthusiastic! :)" (yes, I actually wrote this). Then I sat in a half-moon of 20 chairs facing the table with the director and the stage manager and producer and realized, oh god, we were doing a group freaking audition - 20 of us!!!! I grew more and more nervous as more people walked in who obviously knew the theatre, knew the director, and had acted before. You could just hear it in their voices - projecting across the room, huge boisterous laughs... and then the fact that they were chatting about the current production that they're all starring in together. Luckily our first activity was to interview our seatmate and present on them, so at least Rob, who acts and directs regularly at the theatre, was super nice and encouraging. I saw a little red flag when he encouraged me to DEFINITELY volunteer to help run the next production. I haven't even auditioned and I'm already out?

But that's the thing. I was already out. It was clear as soon as several of the other pretty women my age, wearing makeup and knee high boots, read their lines from the play (their first time seeing it, but they rolled with it very well) and I was captivated by the way they talked, and moved, and their confidence. I actually loved watching the men audition for the three male parts, because there were so many great lines that got big, genuine laughs from the director and the rest of us. So it was at first intimidating, and then just inspiring, to watch practiced actors just being actors. And when it was my turn, hands shaking, cheeks PURPLE, I did my best to be Felicia, even throwing in a little New York accent as the script suggests. I liked the Andrew I read with, he was fun to watch process his lines and spit them back out - often with enough comedic timing to get a laugh.

At 9:45 (YUP), the director said "well, I think we're done here. Honestly, I think we could cast the play out of what we saw tonight. And we still have another 20 people coming tomorrow." One seasoned actor joked: "lock the door! put up a sign auditions are cancelled!". Ha! She was actually nervous about getting a part. That made me feel better somehow - maybe it's always a little bit nerve wracking when you're trying hard at something you care about. The director asked: "did anyone not get to read for a character they're interested in?". And myself and another novice wannabe Felicia/Deirdre raised our hands and noted we hadn't read for Deirdre. I actually pointed the director to the Deirdre-dominated scene in the back of the play that I'd practiced via iPad and he assigned me the same Andrew, and I went for it! Overwrought, loud, arms everywhere - I was Deirdre!! It was really fun. I didn't land the one funny line, which was a bit sad. My face was really purple. Rob gave me a high five when I was done. Hey.. that felt ok. Secretly, I thought I did better than the other Deirdre who read after me.. maybe because I'd been practicing (I tried not to seem like I had inadvertently memorized a bunch of it haha).

When I left I thanked the production heads and they said "It was GREAT to meet you." That was really nice!! However, callbacks were last night, and I didn't hear anything, so alas, I think the ship has sailed on my moment to be Deirdre. But I'll not soon forget my day of playing her, and my two minutes presenting her, and I'll definitely be happy to humbly sling drinks at the bar during intermission of the production in April, and try again, and again, and see what happens. :)

Summary recommendation: do things that scare you. I wanted to bail about 20x on Sunday, but I couldn't be more glad I went through with it. Truly scary, truly exhilarating, truly a lot of fun.

"I decided to drown myself
Like Ophelia!
In Central Park Lake.. isn't that perfect??
So I stood up on a rock,
And braided wildflowers into my hair...
And I looked down into the water...
But then.. I lost my nerve."

A Good Fucking Day!

You never know what Friday the 13th is going to bring.. It always feels a little ominous to me. But this Friday the 13th I will simply never forget! <3

Bailey and I had a great walk this morning, even in that cold wind, enjoying the fresh air and snippets of blue sky as we strolled through the park. Most of the ice had cleared up so conditions weren't as insanely treacherous (he only fell once - atta boy buddy). I was reminded that I met one of the greatest loves of my life, my furry boyfriend, Stinky B, Mr. B, Baileyboy, Senor Stinky on this day four years ago today. It's amazing how fast time goes. I genuinely can't imagine my life without him!

Work was productive again today - I feel like I've been on a roll in the office this week, knocking off tasks left, right and center. I'm still high from yesterday's signing of an amendment to an agreement of purchase and sale to buy 425 acres in the Minesing Wetlands - the last big private landholding in the entire Natural Area. And it's going to happen. THIS YEAR! This piece of land I've only dreamed about acquiring will be OURS! It's full of rare species, a rare wetland habitat - it's just gorgeous. And someone came forward and just handed us the money to make the deal happen - one of those amazing donors that you just didn't see coming.

THEN, I got the news that we can tap into $15,000 (!!!!) for a seriously expensive restoration project I've been working on in Creemore for YEARS. It's running up mega bills, but is highly important (liability reduction/fisheries protection), so any chunk of change we can throw at it is great.. $15k you didn't even write a grant application for? I'll take it!!

Then I had a lovely lunch which was actually like a blind date.. another childfree person from the Meetup site found my profile and reached out because she thought we sounded similar -  married, mid-30s, dog lovers, living in Guelph. And it was so nice to make another new connection with someone walking the slightly different path in life that I'm walking, too. Anyone who wants to talk about dogs for most of an hour long coffee date is cool in my books. I just think it's a real pleasure making new connections - something I don't get to do as much of as I'd like. She's going to aim to join our little weekly trivia group, which as an aside was a huge highlight of my week. In the span of 3 months I've turned into a total trivia loser. I love it! SUCH a nerd.

FINALLY... I found out we were the successful applicants of a $180,000 3-year grant to do work in those incredible Minesing Wetlands. I'll admit I started crying a little right there in my office. A small part of my soul went into that grant application in November, and to GET THE MONEY, which will pay for SO MUCH OF MY TIME and my new staff person's time.. JUST OMG!! I am over the moon. OVER IT!!!!!!

I capped off this brilliant day with ordering pizza (pizza makes my heart happy, even if it makes my stomach generally disappointed..), walking Bailey under gently falling snowflakes while singing out loud to an old USS album I had forgotten all about (and garnering strange looks from neighbours - nothing new there), setting up the Leafs game to tape and watch with.. speak of the devil...the greatest hubby in the world just walked through the door after being away for 5 days, so that's my cue to exit!

Welllll..... I owe the universe a miserable, complainy post after all this damn happiness (feel like I'm tempting the gods.. bad harvest! bad harvest! (Downton anyone?)), so I promise to report back with utter transparency the next time something feels shitty, goes shittily, or is just plan shit. I have an audition for a community theater play on Sunday night so I guarantee I'm going to vomit in terror, trip up the stage, fail miserably, or humiliate myself.. so stay tuned for that!!!

Happy weekend, all. TGIF!!

Enough!

I have started to realize recently that there is a real significance in giving yourself to the moment for the task at hand, whatever you may be doing. I'm beginning to think the only way to truly enjoy what you're doing, who you're talking to (or listening to), and really any moment that you're in, is to be present in it with minimal distraction. So that means, even when I have committed my evening to something as embarrassing as watching The Bachelor (sidebar - does everyone else love Nick? Is that just me? I used to not be able to stand the guy but he's really turned around for me- end reality TV tangent there), that I am fully immersed in The Bachelor. Because every time during those 85 minutes that I pick up my phone, open a message in Facebook, or look up something on Google, I am taking myself out of a moment that I curated especially for my relaxation, enjoyment, and unwinding after a very long Monday. And that's not really fair to me (the exception here is texting my friends who are also watching The Bachelor, because that definitely heightens my enjoyment of the madness).

Obviously - it's going to be 100% different from the other 85 seasons!!

When I'm driving that is actually my ultimate chance to unplug from the world that lives inside my phone and just beyond it, because it's so unsafe to do anything with your phone on the road. Driving should be about looking up at tree branches for owls, learning from listening to an awesome podcast, enjoying a ray or two of winter sunshine, and occasionally keeping your eyes on the road to make sure you arrive at your destination safely. When I am with Jeff, time that is fewer and further between these days while he travels for the majority of weekdays this fall and winter, I want to be fully present in those moments. Whatever is distracting me can wait. I recently learned a new fake word – "phubbed" (phone snubbed). This refers to a situation when you are with another human and instead of being with you, talking to you, and interacting with you, they are on their phone. And this is a common theme I'm starting to hear from many of my friends and colleagues- the irritation when they are the person who spends less time lost in another world, but it is their partner, or good friend or whomever they're hanging out with that has allowed themselves to become lost.

So, in the spirit of this I am making a vow to put down my phone a little more often. If I'm out for dinner, my phone will be in my purse and not on the table (unless I'm waiting for someone who is late to get there who might need directions or more information!). When I am committed to enjoying a blissful hour of TV in a busy day, my phone should be fairly well out of reach so I can actually enjoy that moment. I stopped receiving text message notifications through my headphones while I'm listening to podcasts while walking the dog, because Bailey, and I, deserve that time outdoors to just enjoy that time outdoors in the healing power of being near trees (even if they are mostly little trees in our relatively new subdivision).

For a while now I have been living without most notifications on my phone. The only thing my phone is allowed to bug me about (like it's a sentient being? jesus..) is when I have a text message (in truth, the way I correspond with most of my friends and family these days), a phone call (seems like a notification for phone calls is probably wise), and an alarm that I've set to remind me to do something as I am so forgetful. Everything else can wait. That means that my phone is not dinging from the marathon Facebook Messenger conversations I have going on with several different groups of friends – which I love, but I would likely throw my phone out the window if I heard a little buzz or ding or saw a notification pop up every time I message was sent in one of those - especially since a common message is a thumbs up (urgent stuff, obvi :)). It doesn't make a peep when somebody likes or comments on something I've posted. It doesn't say a word when any of the seemingly million stupid apps I have on my phone have something new/exciting/"revolutionary" to share with me. I don't even get automatic updates about Leafs scores, and instead rely on text messages from Jeff and Julie who will always be watching the game even if I'm not. :) I don't want to be a slave to the world that lives behind my phone or computer screen. I want to tap into it and enjoy it on a timeline that works for me. What I'm recognizing as I write this is the real problem is I'm probably in there way too often and I should actually make some physical distance between myself and my phone when it's not pertinent that I find out the latest scoop. And how many times in the day can somebody look at the weather anyways? So if I'm not traveling somewhere why am I checking the hourly forecast seemingly almost hourly in a weird obsessive need to know what's up with the weather!?

Turns out, winter is still cold and wet...

I feel like some of my habits, like the pleasure I get from deleting unimportant emails, responding to new emails, responding to text messages, and making all those little red 1's and 2s and 10s go away has started to become addictive. I hear that the reward centers in your brain light up like a pinball machine when you see you have new interactions through whatever channels you choose to interact through, and the dopamine response actually becomes addictive. As we all know, there are enough things I'm addicted to, I don't need my tiny hand computer to be another one of them. There's too much beautiful stuff to see, life to live, wonderful people to interact with (in the old-fashioned way that we've always interacted – with eye contact, and conversation) to spend another minute wondering just what's happening on Facebook or in my three (count 'em three, including my work email on my personal phone... baaaaad!!!) email inboxes. So in my world of no notifications, with my resolve to stop being a human notification myself and hearing the 'ding!' in my own head if it's been two hours since I checked my phone, I hope I can make some strides towards going back to living my life a little bit less electronically, and in a less hyper-connected way.

I'll end this blog with a link to an article (long read but worth it if you have 5-10 mins) that I found last year that I really enjoyed, and hope that maybe it will inspire some of you who are feeling like slaves to the notifications, the world behind the screen, and the flush of dopamine that just feels so good. http://nymag.com/selectall/2016/09/andrew-sullivan-technology-almost-killed-me.html?mid=twitter_selectall&mc_cid=c3df321426&mc_eid=4359458b80

Welcoming 2017

Well, it's 11:11 PM on January 1, 2017. When I rolled out of bed this morning with my usual sparkling wine hangover, I headed downstairs to find tea, my husband and my dog. I told Jeff that my 'to do' list had three things on it for the day: paint my nails (very ambitious), update and balance the budget, and write something - work on my novel, write a new nature poem, put out a blog post, anything. Well, my nails look great, the numbers in the budget all check out, and it's time to write.... can you tell I'm stalling? This is usually my favorite time of year for self-reflection, self-improvement, and excitedly looking forward to the year ahead. But I somehow feel stuck today, like I can't turn my thoughts into words.

I did manage to squeak out a New Year's resolution list today that I'm happy about (to-do list bonus item), so maybe I want to share that here to make sure I make it nice and public and accountable. The items on the list are:

1) Complete a sprint distance triathlon (recognizing that the schedule of the events I usually run in looks like it may not work with our travel plans this year, so even if I complete a "DIY" sprint distance triathlon myself, that will be good enough, and I can compete for real in 2018). For anyone interested, the sprint distance is twice the distance of a try a tri, and clocks in at a 750 m swim, a 20 km bike ride, and a 5 km run. I will likely still do the Guelph Lake try a tri on June 17 2018 to keep practicing swimming with a group (so splashy and gut-kicky..) and working on transitions, though if I'm ready I may try the sprint distance that weekend.

2) Because I do want to take the opportunity to compete in a structured race this year - I do enjoy that so much - I also made a goal to complete a 5K. This is an exciting one because I officially retired from running in 2012 after I kept injuring myself repeatedly, and then finally, gradually reintroduced running into my life just over a year ago, and can now do 4 km with no pain, so I think the 5K goal for later this year is a sound one that will feel awesome to finish.

3) I put flossing back on the resolution list after flinging it off a couple of years ago and saying "I'm just not a flosser!". Maybe the year of lots of reflecting on health and wellness has made me see that to just DO something simple and good for you is WAY better than not doing it. :-)

4) I also resurrected a resolution that I've done a crappy job of keeping which is to volunteer more. With the end of fieldwork behind me, I think my schedule will be a bit more my own, and I look forward to finding somewhere where I can be of help to other people, or to great causes.

5) My last resolution is a ridiculous one, to me anyways, seeing as I haven't acted in anything since I was in drama class when I was 16, but I am going to try out for community theater, and I am blushing just writing that, so this should be something (stay tuned for inevitable hijinx-style post - I seem to do more stupid things when I'm flustered). I'm not expecting to make it into a play but I'm going to give it a few solid attempts and hope for the best. I used to think I was kind of a good actor. Once, one of the more famous "drama kids" who I always respected, wrote in my yearbook that he thought I was a great actress. As someone who relies too heavily on external validation, I always thought "if he thinks I'm something, maybe I'm something!", but never tried my hand at acting again. I don't think this resolution and its results will tell me if I'm something or not, but I want to take the first steps towards that.

Finally, just a note - because I wrote the good ol' manifesto this year, I have a list of self improving activities that is probably two pages long. I read them over today and then became so exhausted that I felt it was then important to take a two-hour nap. I will do my best to keep working all of these tidbits and massive overhauls into my life, always working towards the goal of being the best version of myself that I can be.

I was happy for the most part with how 2016's resolutions turned out. Quitting sugar was like a religious experience for how intense it was, how much I reflect on it and how it changed me significantly, at least for a time (my brain wiring and tastebuds anyways). I look back on that time so proudly, and so fondly. I am pretty sad that I am back to being able to eat sugar with the best of them. My palate has definitely changed, my tolerance for sugar has gone down from where once was, so I can't indulge at the same level (probably a good thing), but I'm basically back to where I was about a year ago. I just wasn't strong enough to live in a world with sugar and resist it over and over again. If I could choose a world where food wasn't chock-full of sugar, and sugar wasn't everywhere, and sugar wasn't part of social constructs, I absolutely would. But that's not our world, so here I am, munching away on sugar again. I successfully quit it a couple more times this year for about a week at a time, but found the act of trying to keep it out of my diet more cumbersome than I was willing to bother with. When I did quit the second and third times, withdrawal symptoms were limited or zero, so it's good to know that that lifestyle is there, should I want to grasp it again. The reason I'm not adding it onto this years resolution list? I can't tell you. Is that addiction speaking? Why is it so hard to say goodbye to something I (theoretically) hate so much? In addition to successfully quitting sugar, for a month anyways, I completed a try a tri (actually two!), setting a sub-goal finishing in under an hour, which I did on my second attempt. I had so much fun! During the first one I actually said out loud to myself on my bike as I rounded the second corner "this is awesome! You're doing awesome!". That hilarious, cheerleader-type, passionate reaction made me realize: this is probably something I should explore as a regular hobby! I also had a resolution to cook more, and waste less food. I think I did pretty well on both of those, especially through the early part of the year when I found that I had to cook more to avoid eating the added sugar that's in a lot of processed foods. However, there were and still are humongous stretches of time in which I can't bring myself to sauté a single vegetable, and dinner is a bowl of yogurt with granola! Much like my general struggles with staying consistent with health and fitness, cooking seems to come and go, against what I logically know I want for myself. I did find that a new podcast I came across called Half-size Me was really helpful in helping me reframe some of my moldy old ideas about health, fitness, weight, and dieting. I think I really get now that managing health and weight is definitely a lifelong journey, and something I will have to be conscious of and contribute consciously to, for my entire life. It's not something that will likely ever happen by default (for me, anyways). But, it's something I'm happy to do. I want to take good care of myself, I want to put good things in my body, I want to be happy with how I look. I'm loving the movement of women working to accept their bodies at all shapes/sizes, and would like to get more on board with that.

Now that I'm at the end of chatting away about my resolutions (and I am literally chatting, as I'm still dictating due to stupid, persistent, tennis elbow which has now showed up in my left arm because I was asking a little too much of it for my right arm was down! GAHHH!) I have realized the reason for my writer's block today. When something as awful, unexpected, profound, life-changing, perspective-changing and intense as cancer shows up in your otherwise simple and easy life, it turns your life perspective on its head. Watching my dad go through cancer, and doing my best to support him and my mom, was a game changer for me this year. It certainly puts into perspective what matters. However, at the end of the day we are still just our same selves. My dad is still pretty silly, and regularly grumpy, super into computer games, and far too overly concerned about me. :) I am still the girl who struggles with a sweet tooth, does clumsy stuff on the reg, cares too much about external validation, and spends a little too much time on the couch watching TV. :-) Though some of the ways I think about things changed, who I am fundamentally did not change. I'm proud that my traits like happiness, optimism, sensitivity, and goofiness stuck around throughout my dad's diagnosis, surgery, recovery, and chemotherapy. I think those traits of mine were of use to my parents (who I spent a ton of time with in 2016 and wouldn't change it for anything! planning for more of the same in 2017 - please do me a favour and maximize time spent with the people you love.. STAT!), and it certainly is better for me than any alternative I can picture, such as becoming a dark, reclusive, pessimistic person. But it has its guilty moments too, and I see now that's what I've been struggling with today. Is it okay to write a chatty, hopeful, slightly self-deprecating blog post about my New Year's resolutions from 2016 and how I did, and the things I want to achieve in 2017, when my dad just went through hands down the worst year of his life is and continues to struggle with something big, and unknown? We don't know if his cancer is elsewhere- it did show some evidence of local spread, his chemo regiment is only effective in 25% of cases.. so at this point we can only hope for the best, and good results from regular scans. So knowing that my dad probably has this haunting him in the back of his head makes me wonder if it should be haunting me too, and coloring the pieces of my life that I put forward into the world, like this blog post. But I already know that the answer to that question is a firm: no. That is not what my dad would want. That approach will help no one. The best gift I can give everyone is to be the best me possible, so I can be the best for all the people that I care about when they need me.

Writing is so strange, so funny. It's the days that I'm the most reluctant to write that writing always helps me the most. My thoughts look like dark, tangled hallways that I can't understand, every door I try along the hallway is locked, and there is no light shining through the windows to find me and help show me the way, But then I start putting words on page and everything untangles, explain itself, and brightens considerably (even if I'm not writing directly about it), at least to the point where I can make some marginal sense of it.

So, then, in line with something I posted on Facebook earlier today, I am going to take this afternoon's welcome infusion of bright sunshine and bring it forward into 2017. I can't imagine having a year as tough as 2016 was again. However, when I do (I'm no longer naive enough to say "if"-- and concurrently mourning the loss of my less-jaded self) I know that I can stand up to whatever comes my way, be there for the people who need me, accept support from the people who love me, get through anything, and come out the other side still Kristyn.

Happy New Year, everyone. Welcome, 2017. You are so welcome.