I'm so utterly exhausted I feel like I'm drunk. As such, I feel that my mind is quite open and has been contemplating some larger ideas today. Mainly around purpose.
I am committed to the idea that life should have meaning. I'm not a superhero who expects every moment to be jam packed with significance, but I do not want to look back on, say, my early 30s, and be really proud of the fact that I spent nearly every night sprawled on the couch watching tv! I don't want to be proud that I read x amount of webpages in a day. I don't want to be proud that I entered and rated 10 more beers on my Untappd app on my phone (which admittedly, is pretty addictive and threatens to turn me into a pot-bellied beer guzzler ASAP!).
Instead....I want to be proud that I took my dog that extra block on our walk in the snowstorm, because it made him so happy. I want to be proud that I spent quality time with my husband, either curled up and chatting about our days or cooking a nice meal together. I want to create something, whether it be homemade protein bars to put in our lunches this week or a piece of writing that I can be proud of (or confused reading later..wondering if I was indeed drunk). I want to connect with my friends and family - either over the phone, or even better, in person. I want to exercise and treat my body the way it deserves to be treated. I want to write my novel. I want to discover if there's something in life I'm even MORE passionate about than nature and writing - something I might be missing! I want to volunteer my time to make the world a better place.
Because.. and this is quite existential, and my atheist tendings will show here... none of this, this life, actually means anything. At the end of the day, you get this one shot.. these 70-100 years (if you're lucky!)... and it's up to YOU to make something out of them before time blinks and your shot is over. No one else is going to give meaning to your life. (this is me lecturing myself, by the way, not you!! people often think I'm talking to them with my posts :)) If you don't take charge of giving your life meaning and purpose, I'm afraid it might not ever happen!
It's so easy to let the days tick by in a flurry of motion. Frig.. we are SO busy. I read today that we're the busiest and most stressed we've ever been, societally and particularly in women in their 20s and 30s. It is VERY easy for my day to look like this: wake up, walk the dog, eat breakfast, go to work, work 8 hours, come home, lay on the couch, eat crackers for dinner, tidy the kitchen (or bedroom, or living room, insert portion of square footage here), pay some bills or balance the budget, watch a show with Jeff, grab a bath, dry my hair, head to bed. (And I realize the luxury that THAT schedule must sound like to a busy parent!!) It is sometimes too tempting to let every single day move by me like that and before you know it, it's Friday - the weekend - a chance to really DO some things!! But what about Monday - Friday? Am I to write them off for the rest of my working life? That's like.. some percentage I can't calculate now.. let's go with a fraction... 5/7ths of my working life!!!!
So I'm challenging myself to break the mold. Not to say I'm NOT going to watch that rerun of Felicity or episode of the Biggest Loser (I am addicted!) when I get home from work, with my feet propped up on a pillow. Because a little downtime is necessary. But after that.. it's time to move my ass.. and move my brain.. and move my soul! Because I certainly don't want people at my funeral reflecting on how relaxed and well-rested I was. How much Netflix I watched. I want more! I'm not entirely sure what I can achieve, but I know what lights up the "purpose" centres in my brain so far (writing, creating, spending quality time with people I love) and what doesn't (tv, generally being in a reclined position, looking at Facebook) so I figure that's a good place to start.
I'm on a constant quest for self-improvement! I'm starting to think that's what this blog, and I, are really all about. But then again, I did hit my kneecap with a mallet today and nearly collapse into a sinkhole in a mushy stream channel.. and I did drink a giant hot chocolate at 2:30 p.m. followed by eating McDonalds for dinner at 4 p.m.... so perhaps the reserved purpose of having this blog to make fun of myself is still alive and well. How do we feel about a combo of both!?!? (While I'm on the subject, I was reminded today of my stupidest comment of the summer, when I asked a coworker who mentioned he had an office in a supposedly haunted house if "he had confirmed the existence of ghosts?". I meant had he seen the supposed ghost, not had he ventured beyond the realm of science to prove that ghosts are real. People are still laughing at me.)
I will have to keep you posted on my journey of purpose... though tonight I will continue to digest my giant mid-afternoon comfort food gorging, continue to watch the Leafs on the couch with the hubs and go to bed at 9:30 p.m.. Fieldwork.. she's a killer! (though full of great purpose.. hence getting to take the evening off from living a purposeful life.. hehe)
Wishing you all purpose, and happiness. ........I think I'm on a happiness mission!
Wednesday 26 November 2014
Monday 10 November 2014
Happy?
First of all: Worst. Blogger. Ever. I try not to miss months, but I failed as October flew on by in a frenzy.
In exciting news - I had a big work accomplishment finish off successfully (many of you have heard me talk about "taking the pond offline" - well, the new bypass channel has been constructed, vegetated, and now we wait until next fall to flow the water through - woohoo!) and I have once again come indoors for the season (it feels SOGOOD to write that, every year, never fails!). I'm a happy pappy.. or so I thought........
Last night I read and shared an article that had been posted on facebook (http://www.infobarrel.com/22_Habits_of_Unhappy_People) and it really got me wondering about the elusive concept of happiness. I'll preface this by saying that I've read about studies that have conclusively proved that people who actively seek happiness are the least happy.. so probably I should just stop here. But.. I ... can't... stop.... Self-analysis is such a huge part of my life!!! MUST KNOW IF I'M DOING THE RIGHT THINGS TO BE HAPPY!
As I read the article I had a couple of smug "ha - well I don't do THAT! so I'm happy! I win!" moments, followed immediately by "oops.. I'm totally guilty of that.. I lose." I thought it would be a nice exercise in self reflection to go through the list and maybe if you're reading this you can go through it with me and think about areas you can improve or are feeling pretty proud of yourself about. Then at the end - we shall decide if we're happy! Sound fun? Let's go!
1. Chronic Complaining
"The chronic complainer tends to always have something wrong in their life, their issues are more important than everybody elses, and when you have something to vent about yourself, they aren't very interested in listening."
Ok - I certainly know how to air my grievances and vent BUT I am obsessed with finding a place in my life where nothing is wrong and I strive to have nothing wrong. I HATE IT when something's wrong! (and when it is I totally complain about it). But I think I get a pass on this one because I actively work towards solving problems and finding solutions and I know I'm a good listener when people need to vent out their own problems (though I still think I could be an even better listener.. ever find when you're supposed to be the listener you end up sharing your own similar stories? I'm not sure how useful that actually is)
2. Retail Therapy
Insert smug reaction here - I am so cheap I definitely don't go shopping to cheer myself up. Shopping depresses me because it means I spent money and there is that much money left to spend in my budget now. Jeff and I have definitely prioritized spending $ on experiences over things. Oh shoot.. remove smug reaction... because of that new sports car we just bought. CRAP! But I definitely wasn't "shopping for a high" with that one.. spending that money HURT!!! But the car has already brought us some fun weekend adventures together that would have been way less cool otherwise (convertibles rule!) so I'm going to put two tires of 'Fiddy' in the "experience" category and two tires in the "stuff" category!
3. Binge Drinking.
My binge drinking consists of having more than 2 drinks in a night and happens about once a month. I think I've got this one under control. Though hangovers are getting wickeder with age, it's still usually worth the trade-off of having gotten to have a fun night out with friends :)
4. Worrying About the Future
"Could you get laid off? Maybe. Could you catch a life threatening disease? Yup. The thing is, you have very little control over whether or not these things happen, so why spend your time worrying about it. As long as you have a reasonable game plan and are living responsibly you should be focused on what is going on in your life now."
I do not worry too much about the future. I like to keep my worry in the present! ;) I would say I'm pretty into what's happening in my life right now. This is what makes saving for retirement so bloody painful. That's like WAY down the line... COME ON!
5. Waiting for the Future.
As in - I'm not happy now but when Event X happens, THEN I'll be happy! I have done this at times in my life for sure. At the end of elementary school I couldn't wait to get to high school (it was a definite upgrade). When I was renting an apartment, I couldn't wait to buy a house (upgrade! expensive, time-consuming, lovely upgrade!). When I was dating Jeff I couldn't wait to get engaged/married (surprise again, upgrade!). However, I no longer feel this way. There is not another Event X that I'm waiting for - I'm content with the now and look forward to my immediate and short-term tomorrows. I actually think the future is going to start to go downhill in many ways.. we're only going to get wrinklier, more sore, more tired and more lame.. I'm all for the now! :) (I'm sensing there's a red flag in there somewhere....)
5. Lack of Hobbies
"Before I even get started, your job, house cleaning and watching TV are NOT hobbies."
I was really disappointed to hear that part - since my days mainly consist of working, cleaning my damn house and relaxing in front of a Leafs game or movie or (insert terrible teen or reality show here). ;) I absolutely recognize I'm failing on the front of keeping my hobbies at the forefront. A few of my hobbies are hiking, writing, birding. Before I had Bailey I'd probably do those things approximately 2x/year. Now I have an excuse to hike more (antsy dog) but I'm really failing on the other stuff and have been for some time. I always try to use this glorious time in fall when I come in from the field to get back into some of my hobbies. Case in point, I am currently writing in my blog and tomorrow I am going birding and I WILL find a Barred Owl! But I could definitely use some improvement here!
6. Eating Healthy
We've all heard about Kristyn1 and Kristyn2. Kristyn1 is here right now (love her) so I am currently eating very well. We dropped almost $250 on groceries this weekend (Guelph Costco, you kill me) in an attempt to make more food at home and buy less takeout so we BEST be eating healthy!!! ;) I can attest that after Halloween candy for dinner last Friday and far too much wine and chocolate on Sunday that eating poorly makes me feel VERY poorly and eating healthy is the way. Ongoing life goal: live "the way" more than 50% of the time!
7. Talking Poorly of Others
"...instead, try complimenting others, at first it might be hard, but it will make you feel good and will make you a much more desirable person to be around."
Oooh I sure am guilty of this one. I recently made a vow to go a little bit easier on everyone in my life and give people a break. I have such high standards and expectations for people and that is so unfair and just sets everyone up to feel disappointed/sad. Useless! Over it and really going to work to be better. This is good advice above, especially the "at first it might be hard" part. ........ (D, do we need to attend group therapy to learn how to spend our time complimenting people behind their backs??? this concept sounds kind of crazy to me! uh-oh.. am I defending talking smack?! CRAP!)
8. Holding Grudges
I have just about let the big one go, but I can't imagine ever feeling POSITIVE feelings toward this person. I can't believe how much it all hurt. Further still, I can't believe HOW LONG AGO it was - ugh! It is really time to move on.
I forgive you (it's hard not to type "you crazy asshole" behind that).
I forgive you.
I forgive you.
I forgive you.
I'm moving on.
(that actually did some very powerful things inside me)
9. Stop Learning
Smug reaction! I am always learning. Whether it's part of work/hobbies (overlap in the naturalist world), or new recipes, or even just asking questions to learn more about hockey while Jeff and I watch a game I LOVE to learn and know I'll always have a hunger for it!
10. Not Following Through
Smug feelings gone. I cannot write more than a chapter per YEAR in my novel. I want so badly to finish my first book and see if I could make anything of it - even if it's just to bind it and give it to my step-grandma, the ultimate cheerleader of my writing - but here I sit, not following through. And I think about this constantly, everytime I'm reading something about how you can achieve anything you want, you just have to try! I'm wracked with guilt. YUP this is a serious draining source of my energy. I better get 'er done... put that one in the parking lot for now, but I'll be back! (or maybe I'll go write my novel instead of blogging later about how I'm not writing it... that would be useful!)
11. Hating Your Job
I love my job. More every day that passes, actually. I recognize this is somewhat rare, and know how lucky I am.
12. Loneliness
I will admit to this one. The culture of texting, social media and way too much information available to distract at all times has sucked me into its web, and I spend far too much time alone, or just with my hubs, and I really miss my friends.... and I don't do enough to remedy this, and I tend towards being lonely. Also, I swear people seem triumphant when they turn down plans sometimes and that kinda stings - "can you do x this weekend?" "nope! got other plans!". Oh... *sad Eeyore me*. I'm sure there isn't actually triumph there, but a kindness/softness lacking? Then this Eeyore-ness self-perpetuates with me not reaching out more. Which makes me sadder. Holy unhappiness cycle. I don't know how to fix this one! Suck it up and pick up the phone more?? I really should! I hate how we don't call each other anymore, plans are so infrequent, and I miss you all xxx
13. Letting Negative Thoughts Enter Your Mind
Ooooh they are hard to get out. But I haven't been haunted by anything lately, so I'll cross this one off. I like the article's advice:
"When these thoughts enter your head, immediately think of something else. You choose what you think about, and the longer you entertain a negative thought, the more it is going to stay in focus."
GEEEZ long list. I'm getting bored which means you are too, so I'll just add the last few I thought relevant:
- Worrying what others think - yes! But I've been actively working to overcome this by living by a mantra of: do your best, be a good person, go to bed at night happy with who you are and the rest will fall into place. Still, self-consciousness grabs me hugely sometimes! Insecurity rears it's ugly head! But I am working hard to build more confidence in me and just simply be a good person. I won't be everyone's cup of tea, and that's ok. But I'll be happy with me and the right people who think I'm pretty awesome too will find their way into my life (many are already here) and stay there. That's the plan anyways.
- Letting strangers affect your mood. UGH totally guilty of this. Case in point guy at movies who was so rude about me having my feet on the seat that he wasn't even sitting in yet. I had been so happy and his unnecessary crustiness totally brought me down! I never should have let it! (later I kicked his seat a bit because he kept rocking it into my kneecaps.. so much for being a good person lol)
- Wanting more money. Well who the hell doesn't?. But I don't waste energy thinking about this because it's utterly pointless - why freak out about what you can't change, or aren't willing to make sacrifices to change (I hear the private sector actually pays.. but you won't find me working there.. so be it!)
Upon review of this rambling, I have determined that I'm probably about 75% happy. Once upon a time I made a criteria that I only wanted to date someone who was happy at least 80% of the time. So I'm almost as awesome as someone 22 year old Kristyn want to date - hey, that's not so bad! I really am actively working on a few of the things I've discussed above.
I challenge anyone reading to think about one habit you could lose to help you on your path to happiness! All I want for everyone in this world is for them to be happy. If we were all happy, imagine the things we could achieve and the pain that we could stop inflicting on one another.
To happiness!!!
P.S. I realize after all this reflecting I'm really due to share some hijinxy stories - I will get to work on falling down a large hill, or doing something comparably stupid that I may share!!
In exciting news - I had a big work accomplishment finish off successfully (many of you have heard me talk about "taking the pond offline" - well, the new bypass channel has been constructed, vegetated, and now we wait until next fall to flow the water through - woohoo!) and I have once again come indoors for the season (it feels SOGOOD to write that, every year, never fails!). I'm a happy pappy.. or so I thought........
Last night I read and shared an article that had been posted on facebook (http://www.infobarrel.com/22_Habits_of_Unhappy_People) and it really got me wondering about the elusive concept of happiness. I'll preface this by saying that I've read about studies that have conclusively proved that people who actively seek happiness are the least happy.. so probably I should just stop here. But.. I ... can't... stop.... Self-analysis is such a huge part of my life!!! MUST KNOW IF I'M DOING THE RIGHT THINGS TO BE HAPPY!
As I read the article I had a couple of smug "ha - well I don't do THAT! so I'm happy! I win!" moments, followed immediately by "oops.. I'm totally guilty of that.. I lose." I thought it would be a nice exercise in self reflection to go through the list and maybe if you're reading this you can go through it with me and think about areas you can improve or are feeling pretty proud of yourself about. Then at the end - we shall decide if we're happy! Sound fun? Let's go!
1. Chronic Complaining
"The chronic complainer tends to always have something wrong in their life, their issues are more important than everybody elses, and when you have something to vent about yourself, they aren't very interested in listening."
Ok - I certainly know how to air my grievances and vent BUT I am obsessed with finding a place in my life where nothing is wrong and I strive to have nothing wrong. I HATE IT when something's wrong! (and when it is I totally complain about it). But I think I get a pass on this one because I actively work towards solving problems and finding solutions and I know I'm a good listener when people need to vent out their own problems (though I still think I could be an even better listener.. ever find when you're supposed to be the listener you end up sharing your own similar stories? I'm not sure how useful that actually is)
2. Retail Therapy
Insert smug reaction here - I am so cheap I definitely don't go shopping to cheer myself up. Shopping depresses me because it means I spent money and there is that much money left to spend in my budget now. Jeff and I have definitely prioritized spending $ on experiences over things. Oh shoot.. remove smug reaction... because of that new sports car we just bought. CRAP! But I definitely wasn't "shopping for a high" with that one.. spending that money HURT!!! But the car has already brought us some fun weekend adventures together that would have been way less cool otherwise (convertibles rule!) so I'm going to put two tires of 'Fiddy' in the "experience" category and two tires in the "stuff" category!
3. Binge Drinking.
My binge drinking consists of having more than 2 drinks in a night and happens about once a month. I think I've got this one under control. Though hangovers are getting wickeder with age, it's still usually worth the trade-off of having gotten to have a fun night out with friends :)
4. Worrying About the Future
"Could you get laid off? Maybe. Could you catch a life threatening disease? Yup. The thing is, you have very little control over whether or not these things happen, so why spend your time worrying about it. As long as you have a reasonable game plan and are living responsibly you should be focused on what is going on in your life now."
I do not worry too much about the future. I like to keep my worry in the present! ;) I would say I'm pretty into what's happening in my life right now. This is what makes saving for retirement so bloody painful. That's like WAY down the line... COME ON!
5. Waiting for the Future.
As in - I'm not happy now but when Event X happens, THEN I'll be happy! I have done this at times in my life for sure. At the end of elementary school I couldn't wait to get to high school (it was a definite upgrade). When I was renting an apartment, I couldn't wait to buy a house (upgrade! expensive, time-consuming, lovely upgrade!). When I was dating Jeff I couldn't wait to get engaged/married (surprise again, upgrade!). However, I no longer feel this way. There is not another Event X that I'm waiting for - I'm content with the now and look forward to my immediate and short-term tomorrows. I actually think the future is going to start to go downhill in many ways.. we're only going to get wrinklier, more sore, more tired and more lame.. I'm all for the now! :) (I'm sensing there's a red flag in there somewhere....)
5. Lack of Hobbies
"Before I even get started, your job, house cleaning and watching TV are NOT hobbies."
I was really disappointed to hear that part - since my days mainly consist of working, cleaning my damn house and relaxing in front of a Leafs game or movie or (insert terrible teen or reality show here). ;) I absolutely recognize I'm failing on the front of keeping my hobbies at the forefront. A few of my hobbies are hiking, writing, birding. Before I had Bailey I'd probably do those things approximately 2x/year. Now I have an excuse to hike more (antsy dog) but I'm really failing on the other stuff and have been for some time. I always try to use this glorious time in fall when I come in from the field to get back into some of my hobbies. Case in point, I am currently writing in my blog and tomorrow I am going birding and I WILL find a Barred Owl! But I could definitely use some improvement here!
6. Eating Healthy
We've all heard about Kristyn1 and Kristyn2. Kristyn1 is here right now (love her) so I am currently eating very well. We dropped almost $250 on groceries this weekend (Guelph Costco, you kill me) in an attempt to make more food at home and buy less takeout so we BEST be eating healthy!!! ;) I can attest that after Halloween candy for dinner last Friday and far too much wine and chocolate on Sunday that eating poorly makes me feel VERY poorly and eating healthy is the way. Ongoing life goal: live "the way" more than 50% of the time!
7. Talking Poorly of Others
"...instead, try complimenting others, at first it might be hard, but it will make you feel good and will make you a much more desirable person to be around."
Oooh I sure am guilty of this one. I recently made a vow to go a little bit easier on everyone in my life and give people a break. I have such high standards and expectations for people and that is so unfair and just sets everyone up to feel disappointed/sad. Useless! Over it and really going to work to be better. This is good advice above, especially the "at first it might be hard" part. ........ (D, do we need to attend group therapy to learn how to spend our time complimenting people behind their backs??? this concept sounds kind of crazy to me! uh-oh.. am I defending talking smack?! CRAP!)
8. Holding Grudges
I have just about let the big one go, but I can't imagine ever feeling POSITIVE feelings toward this person. I can't believe how much it all hurt. Further still, I can't believe HOW LONG AGO it was - ugh! It is really time to move on.
I forgive you (it's hard not to type "you crazy asshole" behind that).
I forgive you.
I forgive you.
I forgive you.
I'm moving on.
(that actually did some very powerful things inside me)
9. Stop Learning
Smug reaction! I am always learning. Whether it's part of work/hobbies (overlap in the naturalist world), or new recipes, or even just asking questions to learn more about hockey while Jeff and I watch a game I LOVE to learn and know I'll always have a hunger for it!
10. Not Following Through
Smug feelings gone. I cannot write more than a chapter per YEAR in my novel. I want so badly to finish my first book and see if I could make anything of it - even if it's just to bind it and give it to my step-grandma, the ultimate cheerleader of my writing - but here I sit, not following through. And I think about this constantly, everytime I'm reading something about how you can achieve anything you want, you just have to try! I'm wracked with guilt. YUP this is a serious draining source of my energy. I better get 'er done... put that one in the parking lot for now, but I'll be back! (or maybe I'll go write my novel instead of blogging later about how I'm not writing it... that would be useful!)
11. Hating Your Job
I love my job. More every day that passes, actually. I recognize this is somewhat rare, and know how lucky I am.
12. Loneliness
I will admit to this one. The culture of texting, social media and way too much information available to distract at all times has sucked me into its web, and I spend far too much time alone, or just with my hubs, and I really miss my friends.... and I don't do enough to remedy this, and I tend towards being lonely. Also, I swear people seem triumphant when they turn down plans sometimes and that kinda stings - "can you do x this weekend?" "nope! got other plans!". Oh... *sad Eeyore me*. I'm sure there isn't actually triumph there, but a kindness/softness lacking? Then this Eeyore-ness self-perpetuates with me not reaching out more. Which makes me sadder. Holy unhappiness cycle. I don't know how to fix this one! Suck it up and pick up the phone more?? I really should! I hate how we don't call each other anymore, plans are so infrequent, and I miss you all xxx
13. Letting Negative Thoughts Enter Your Mind
Ooooh they are hard to get out. But I haven't been haunted by anything lately, so I'll cross this one off. I like the article's advice:
"When these thoughts enter your head, immediately think of something else. You choose what you think about, and the longer you entertain a negative thought, the more it is going to stay in focus."
GEEEZ long list. I'm getting bored which means you are too, so I'll just add the last few I thought relevant:
- Worrying what others think - yes! But I've been actively working to overcome this by living by a mantra of: do your best, be a good person, go to bed at night happy with who you are and the rest will fall into place. Still, self-consciousness grabs me hugely sometimes! Insecurity rears it's ugly head! But I am working hard to build more confidence in me and just simply be a good person. I won't be everyone's cup of tea, and that's ok. But I'll be happy with me and the right people who think I'm pretty awesome too will find their way into my life (many are already here) and stay there. That's the plan anyways.
- Letting strangers affect your mood. UGH totally guilty of this. Case in point guy at movies who was so rude about me having my feet on the seat that he wasn't even sitting in yet. I had been so happy and his unnecessary crustiness totally brought me down! I never should have let it! (later I kicked his seat a bit because he kept rocking it into my kneecaps.. so much for being a good person lol)
- Wanting more money. Well who the hell doesn't?. But I don't waste energy thinking about this because it's utterly pointless - why freak out about what you can't change, or aren't willing to make sacrifices to change (I hear the private sector actually pays.. but you won't find me working there.. so be it!)
Upon review of this rambling, I have determined that I'm probably about 75% happy. Once upon a time I made a criteria that I only wanted to date someone who was happy at least 80% of the time. So I'm almost as awesome as someone 22 year old Kristyn want to date - hey, that's not so bad! I really am actively working on a few of the things I've discussed above.
I challenge anyone reading to think about one habit you could lose to help you on your path to happiness! All I want for everyone in this world is for them to be happy. If we were all happy, imagine the things we could achieve and the pain that we could stop inflicting on one another.
To happiness!!!
P.S. I realize after all this reflecting I'm really due to share some hijinxy stories - I will get to work on falling down a large hill, or doing something comparably stupid that I may share!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)