On Thursday, I physically and emotionally went to a place I've never been before. The physical place was a courthouse. The emotional place was watching the sentence hearing for the murderer Philip Grandine. Do me a favour.. if you aren't aware of this news story, please close this blog entry right now. I need to vent some of my toxic feelings, but the last thing I want to do is take anyone else down with me.
For those who are familiar with this story that's been in the news over the past several weeks, and several years (http://www.thestar.com/news/crime/2014/11/28/crown_argues_expastor_philip_grandine_drowned_his_pregnant_wife.html) feel free to come along on this crappy journey and note that my goal by the end of writing this is to land on a positive note!
If you opened the link, you've seen my best friend Dawn's good friend Karissa, looking simply sweet and beautiful! I never knew Karissa but I did know how much Dawn loved her. What I remember from their enduring friendship (having worked together at their moms' company, Aviva) was that Dawn always talked about how sweet Karissa was, how it was so unfair that someone like her suffer from such health issues (she had liver problems that caused health complications) and how Karissa was always super positive and strong, no matter what she was up against!
Three years ago Karissa was killed. Six months after that her husband Philip was arrested for her murder. Seemingly a million years later he was tried for her murder and the jury somehow found him guilty of only manslaughter. I can't bear to share the details of this case - too sick, too sad.. but if you read just 2-3 articles it will be quite clear that intent to kill was there. But, I suppose for some waffling juror that conclusion was just not without a shadow of a doubt. So, manslaughter.. a conviction that can carry a sentence of 6 months, or 20 years. It's now up to the judge to decide what sort of sentence Philip will get.
Dawn was asked by Karissa's lovely mother, who I was lucky to meet on Thursday (she's a pillar of strength, this sweet, tiny woman), to write a victim impact statement. There were over 30 of these written and presented to the judge who is now in charge of determining the fate of this trial. Several incredibly brave people, including my incredibly brave best friend, read their statements aloud in court on Thursday. I went with Dawn for support as I thought it could be a tough day. She was acting like she'd be fine, but just the thought that she was about to be in the same room with Philip was unbearable for me and I knew I had to do anything I could, even if that something was not very much.
Some friend I am. I went there to be strong for my friend and instead I ended up gasping for breath with tears streaming down my face just the same as her. We watched a murderer be released from handcuffs and placed in the prisoner's box. A murderer sat not 25 feet away from us. (fuck "alleged"- I'm not a reporter and he is absolutely guilty) We watched Karissa's mom place a beautiful picture of Karissa on the witness box and read her statement, trying so hard to be strong, but breaking down in tears a number of times while she lamented for the loss she felt, and the times she woke in the night yelling "no!" in fear and anguish for the loss of her daughter. We watched Karissa's lovely sister Hannah read her statement, which was a testament to Karissa's kind spirit but also a eulogy to what had been lost from her life - Karissa was her best friend, and cheerleader and support system and she feels the loss every.. single.. day. I just held on to Dawn because I knew she needed it, but I needed it too. Karissa's friend Lynette read her statement, showing just how big of a hole her passing had left in her life. I gave her some tissues and patted her shoulder when she came back, telling her she did a good job, because she was there all alone, because her best friend wasn't there to support her.. because she was gone. Finally it was my best friend's turn to read and I swear I was on the stand with Dawn. We've always been empathetic with one another but this was intense. I cried when she cried. I gripped my hands when hers were shaking. I nodded when she looked at me to show her she was doing great. I looked at Philip's face to see his reaction to this beautifully written memorial and truthful statement of loss that Dawn was articulating so well, but there was simply vacant nothing on his face.
Dawn came back to me and I put my arm around her and didn't let her go for a long time. Right after her was someone from Karissa and Philip's church who before reading his statement shot daggers toward Philip with his eyes and said "look at me, you coward" in the most hateful tone. I remember clutching Dawn's arm tightly because of the hate you could feel coming from this man, and I felt an almost giddy rush of emotions because finally someone was saying what we were all thinking. Still, no reaction on Philip's face. There were more folks from the church, more family members and more friends who read statements. At the end of it there had been a very clear and very beautiful picture painted of a very beautiful person.
Karissa wasn't just anyone. I always knew that from Dawn's stories, but this just solidified it that much more. Some people in this world are genuinely "special snowflakes", but the real kind, and she was one of them. She was generous, selfless, giving, devoted to her family, a forgiving and gracious wife (even after finding out about her husband's many indiscretions), funny, sweet, kind, and with a real love for other people and of life itself. On top of that, Karissa was pregnant, and more excited than anything about the impending arrival of her baby who she had nicknamed Jellybean (this came out in at least three separate victim impact statements that were read, a fact I found very endearing). To have her life ripped away by someone who could have simply left the marriage if he was unhappy was so unthinkable. When does murder become an option? What is so wrong in this world that that is ever an answer, for anyone? Why take two lives??
Dawn and I wandered through many emotional states together that day. Not helped by the fact that what I feel she feels, and what she feels I feel. We were furious - we mostly took this out on the defense lawyer who was 15 minutes late ("the weather, your honour" - yes, it was snowing in Toronto for all of us, you jackass, and we still made it on time) and then immediately requested a 30 minute recess (which the judge granted!) so he could read the Victim Impact Statements. As if that isn't his job? We were sick to our stomachs - seeing the notice posted outside the courtroom that read "Philip Grandine; Murder" made us feel like we were in some tv show that you couldn't change the channel on, or stop watching altogether. We were eventually numb. Which was probably a protective mechanism orchestrated by our nervous systems. We stayed in a weird state of shock well into the next day which was eventually solved with a good strong dose of booze in both our cases. Or perhaps it was just the passing of time, or distraction of good friends.
I somehow stomached my work Christmas party that night as I was stuck in Toronto due to snow anyways, though it was unbelievable the contrast between the 2013 party and this one. Watching the president of our charity sing his own lyrics to the tune of popular Christmas songs somehow just didn't strike me as quite as funny as it had the year before. The conversations I had with my wonderful coworkers just weren't as hilarious and interesting as they usually are. The only thing I remember that had much in the way of feelings associated with it was hugging my beautiful coworker who has been diagnosed with cancer and is bravely fighting through it. She hugged me for a good 30 seconds, during which time I felt like she was hugging my heart. I've always thought she was a bit of a special one too, so maybe that had something to do with it. I grabbed a second hug on the way out, hoping to give her a bit of strength and hope back!
I came home, hugged the dog for 10 minutes, hugged Jeff for another 10, bawled myself to sleep and then put out a plea to friends and family to tell me how I could start to help make the world a light and happy place again, after this terrible awakening that this stuff doesn't just happen on tv but is a stark reality of this often seriously cruel and twisted world.
I was so pleased at what I got back! Volunteer opportunities, a great list of random acts of kindness (http://www.guelphcf.ca/LinkClick.aspx?fileticket=Iqi9Yclh57M%3D&tabid=101), suggestions about being my (typically) happy self, being a good friend, being a good social citizen and of course jokes about drinking (though I swear, those 2 huge glasses of wine the next night really did the trick!). Dawn and I decided that because we can't reverse this awful thing that happened we can do our best to honour Karissa's memory by being a little bit more like her every day. So we are both working towards being just a little better and putting a little bit of Karissa's kindness back into the world. Dawn mentioned in her statement that the world is a worse place for having lost Karissa, so maybe between us we can make it a fraction or two better again.
Thanks to everyone who was supportive of me when I needed it (esp. Dawn, Kyla, Keyla, Jeff, Aynsley, my mom, Laura and Cara). I feel a bit embarrassed about how upset I was over the whole thing when I didn't even know her. But my feelings were so vivid and my pain was so sharp I just felt the need to get it out of my heart and into some words, and make sure to state my mission to be a better person to honour Karissa's memory. It's a great time of year for being a better you, so thank you to the food and clothing donation boxes and pay it forward opportunities that abound right now. The real challenge (but the one I'm most interested in) is keeping it going into the new year, beyond 2015 and for life. This life is so short and I can only hope I get to stick around awhile longer and try to make a difference in it.
R.I.P. Karissa. and know you are so missed by all your loved ones. You truly touched their lives and inspired people to be better than they were, and better than they are. For that, you will live on forever.
And for anyone curious, sentencing for Philip will take place on Jan 9, 2015. The crown prosecutor (who was shaking visibly during her final submissions to the judge on Thursday and stammering through her remarks - definitely not like on tv; she is a real person too..) is asking for 15-18 years while the idiot defense lawyer is asking for 6 months - 2 years. All I want is Philip alone, denied of comfort, and contemplating exactly what he did and hopefully feeling some seriously deep regret, for as long as humanly possible. Fingers crossed he gets a good fraction of the sentence he actually deserves. It won't bring her back, but it will bring some small measure of peace to those involved, and that is the absolute least these poor people deserve.
Stay safe, lovely friends.
