Back at It

 

I've been having a less than optimal 2018, although it has been packed with great things and highlights among the tragedy and stressors. I was thinking that I would need to create at least 10 blog posts to get caught up on this year. But what I've learned is that you can't spend too much time looking backwards, you can't stop time. And no matter how hard I try I won't be able to capture all the sad, all the beautiful, and all the happy. So with that being said here is a short series of blurbs about the first half of 2018. Really looking forward to a much better second-half – come on quarters three and four!

In February 2018 my boss Wendy, who had been covering both the positions of Regional Vice President and Director of Conservation since the passing of our RVP James (suddenly and tragically in January) realized that the two positions were too much for one person, so she passed along the bulk of the Director of Conservation job to me. We didn't have the foresight to backfill my role, not knowing how long it would be before Ontario Region hired a new RVP, so I spent mid February 2018 to mid June 2018 absolutely drowning. Something weird happened, that enabled me to get all the work done for both positions, supervising a total of 11 staff out of Ontario's 35 full-time staff, meeting deadlines, completing business planning, and somehow keeping enough balls in the air that nothing went off the tracks, and some pressing long-term problems even got resolved. I don't know how to describe it except it felt like I kicked it into some sort of high gear I didn't even know I had in me. But what I should've realized it was four months spent in this gear was going to destroy me. And it did. I've experienced burnout before at work, and decently stayed away from it since that time, but here I was again, burned to an absolute crisp. When I look back at pictures or messages from that time I can see and feel my stress – it was tangible, unsustainable and it really took a toll on me. Luckily, when Wendy and I realized that there would not be a new VP hired until at least the fall, I cried mercy, she answered swiftly, and we found a backfill for my position. The backfill is the person from whom I took over the job in 2012, so I couldn't think of a better person to take my place to allow me to focus on the DOC job, allow Wendy to focus on the VP job, and for all of us to truly make sure that everything stays on track and even makes nice progress ahead. Again, it's not to say there weren't highlights during these four months, like my meeting with Margaret Atwood (fangirling hugely), our annual staff retreat, trying out floating (sensory deprivation in saltwater) for three wonderful separate hours of oblivion throughout the month of April, a couple of stolen vacation days which were sanity makers, fun events like the Cardin Challenge, and lots of great memories with friends on weekends and weeknights, and as always clinging to the liferaft I know as Jeff. But Oh. My. Goodness: I couldn't be more glad that it's over. My replacement is now up and running so for at least the next couple of months I will have just one job, this new and interesting challenge of DOC for Ontario Region, and it will be interesting to see what this job actually looks like without the constraints of my usual position preventing me from thinking it the DOC job is anything except sheer and utter torture! ;-)

Carden Challenge highlight: a Red-shouldered Hawk carrying a weasel in its claws. Photo credit Bill McIntyre

No better way to spend 24 hours in the Carden Alvar :) With my team the Bruce and Spruce Moose

So.... when you are overstressed, what else is there to do but sign up for a triathlon, doubling the distance of any triathlon you've done before. So that's what I did! On June 17 the Guelph Lake 1 Sprint Distance Triathlon took place, and I crossed the finish line! I'm not going to pretend I didn't cross the finish line 20th from last out of hundreds of participants, but I'm also very proud that I did cross it and in a reasonable time of two hours and two minutes. It included a 750 m swim, a 19 km bike ride, and a 5 km walk. You're supposed to run that last bit, but with my recurring foot injury due to a loose and unsupportive ligament in my right foot, running is off the table for me. However, I learned that I can walk 5K in 42 minutes, which is pretty excellent! The swim was intense – this race is full of professional triathletes and very serious triathlon club members who take it all VERY seriously. The way people swim in this race almost just makes me laugh every time I'm in the water with them – the splashing, the intensity, the fierceness – when I tried to escape to the outside of the pack on one of the corners one guy lifted his head from the water and frantically screamed at me "you need to go this way!". I think he was thinking that I was just going to keep swimming for the great beyond. He was so stressed out my response was only to laugh. I'm proud I made it out of the water in about 21 minutes, front crawling almost the whole way. Switching to a road bike this year was definitely an advantage, and I think my speed of 23 km/hr on the bike ride was good. Finally, the walk was actually the most fun part for me because I got to chat with other people who were at the back of the pack and not so intensely competitive, and we encouraged each other all the way to the finish line. Getting that medal felt great. It reinforced my love for multisport, and solidified the fact that I'm done with running (at least for now until my foot is in better shape, should I ever be able to get it to that place through annoying physio and strengthening exercises which, really, I just hate). So that means my next event is going to be a "swim/bike", in Niagara on July 29. It's the same distance swim – 750 m – but a 25 kilometer bike ride, including a 1km climb straight up the Niagara escarpment, which should be an interesting challenge. I've ridden up the escarpment one time before, but who's to say I can't just do that again! Also, I had to buy a new tri top due to my excess pounds gained this year from grief and stress eating, rendering me NOT sports bra/tight shorts ready, so I've got to get my money's worth and take it out for at least a few more races!

My parents came to the finish line for me bc Jeff was in Germany, then my dad took this supremely dorky photo for me when we got home

 

I used to always share the stories where I did the stupidest things, and I don't want this post to be an exception. Jeff, my parents and I, were cycling the Waterfront Trail in Burlington/Oakville in May and having a good decent long ride. Jeff had fallen behind due to an equipment issue, so my parents and I turned onto a side street off Lakeshore to wait for him to catch up, and get out of the traffic ourselves. As we waited, we suddenly saw a blur of black on a black bike zoom past, and it didn't stop even when we shouted "Jeff! Jeff!". I was feeling cocky due to recent triathlon training, so I decided to chase Jeff down on my bike. For a good 1.5 km I rode flat out at 33 km/h, but was barely closing the gap. Jeff was riding so fast, presumably to catch up to the rest of us, and even though I was shouting his name he didn't appear to be able to hear me, so I just kept riding and yelling "Jeff! Jeff!". When I saw his head tipped back slightly I screamed "yeah! You!" And " Jeff" stopped. As I neared him I realized that this was not Jeff at all but another cyclist who seemed very shaken up by the angry blonde girl speeding towards him and screaming. I simply said "you are not my husband. You are wearing identical outfits and we lost him. I am SO sorry." I turned around and rode back to where my parents were, and couldn't tell them the story because I was laughing so hard. Luckily we reunited with the real Jeff again at some point along the way and finished our ride.

I want to reflect on all the loss that has happened in early 2018, because I don't want to run away from the idea that death is an inevitable part of life. I know it's just going to keep happening. I keep thinking "don't I get a break from this?", But it just keeps happening and as I get older, everyone I love is going get older too. So to the bosses, moms, aunts, sisters, pregnancies, and all the other losses that were suffered during the first half of 2018, know that you were all loved, that you are also dearly missed, and that the rest of us lucky enough to persevere on this planet will do our best to live

our lives right, for you.

My Aunt Lynne, who passed away on June 28 2018. I'm grateful for the good memories.

 

 

I recently listened to a great podcast featuring Sarah Knight, an author who I hadn't heard of before, and it was a pretty awesome game changer. It inspired me to download and gobble up her e-book The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving a F*ck (for the record, I am reading or listening to at least 1 to 2 books per week, resurrecting my old grade 5 nickname of "Books" which I know at the least will make Dawn laugh pretty hard). The premise of this spin on Marie's Kondo's classic (around here anyways: instant classic ;)) was to be more authentically you, whatever that means, and recognize and stick to a big list of all the things you have decided are going to care about, and especially all the things you are not going to care about. I found the process of writing both lists incredibly enlightening, uplifting, and freeing,. Writing down words like "I don't care about gardening" and "I never have to run again in my entire life if I don't want to" and "I don't want to discuss current events for more than 5 minutes when I am socializing with people I care about" was so freeing. It's allowing me to own parts of what I want to give my energy to, without yielding to the fact that everybody thinks as a naturalist I should be an amazing gardener, or that as a bright girl I probably want to talk about politics – I don't – politics absolutely depress and disgust me most of the time and I can't handle the pain. On the flipside of that, writing a list of things I did care about, which I dabbled in during my "manifesto" of 2015, was reaffirmation that spending time with people I care about, reading, writing, outdoor fitness, travel, TV shows I love like The Affair (augh - so good - inhaling it right now!), are absolutely things I could, should, would, and will give my time and energy too (that is a sample of the 6 things from a list of like 60 - yikes!). Awesome! Now the trick is continuing to populate the list and remembering that I don't have to care about things that I genuinely don't care about. Whether or not you think I should do them, should care about them, and whatever expectation you have for me – sorry to tell you, if they're on my don't give a f*ck list, they're out of here! If you're interested in taking deep into who you are and what matters to you today, to help you focus how you want to spend your time and energy, I would highly recommend her book.


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It feels so nice to share some life updates and musings, and just to write again, even though writing these days is mostly with my voice because of my persistent tennis elbow issues (as such any crazy grammar errors I blame on my dictation program!). I hope to get back into the swing of writing blog posts regularly and reflecting on some of the things going on in my life, new things I'm thinking about, and sharing of ridiculous stories. It's my hope that putting my thoughts into the world will make people feel less alone if they are thinking about some of the same things as me, inspired to take action in their own lives in a new way they hadn't thought about, to be very sure that they don't want their life to look anything like my life, and best of all if I can get it, to make somebody laugh.... ("Jeff! Jeff!!!!").

 

Last up: I booked our flights to Quito this week. Galapagos Oct/Nov 2018 here we commmmmmme!!!!

Waved Albatross who only live and breed in Galapagos - this bird is thigh-tall for reference!

 

I Got Kondo'd - Steps 4 & 5

So, what was I saying? Ah yes, komono.... step 4.

CRAP WAS EVERYWHERE!

It was in every drawer, every basket, every cabinet. It was in my night table, the kitchen, the living room. Picture loose change, buttons, a spool of thread (I don't sew!), 15 serving platters, hideous mugs, and all that stuff you keep because "I could use this for.." "one day I might.." "maybe someone would want...". UGH! This to me is the bane of the stress that comes with "too much stuff", where you start to feel suffocated and overrun by your possessions. When drawers don't close. When you can't get at the thing you actually want due to all the junk piled in front of it.

I asked myself these types of questions: how many of Item X do I ACTUALLY need? Does having 12 back up wine glasses (along with the set of 8 we have) bring me joy (in my case - hells no!!). Will I ever sew a button on a shirt? If a button falls off a shirt.. isn't that shirt ready to be donated? Will I ever wear this necklace I haven't worn in 15 years again? Just because I wore these shoes to my wedding, do I intend to keep them forever in this shoe organizer, even though they're too fancy to wear anywhere else and the heels are covered in dirt from our outdoor ceremony and pictures? :) Also I think we're really lucky to live in the digital age where saying goodbye to CDs doesn't mean saying goodbye to Nirvana's entire collection of songs, forever. All those CDs were ripped long ago and are available whenever I want them! I have an android box where every movie or tv show I could ever want to see is illegally available to me. :P Every instruction manual for everything I own is online! There are 9,700 versions of a recipe for every type of food item you could ever dream of making, a click away.

And what's with the hoarding? We wouldn't need so much storage space if we didn't buy 87 rolls of toilet paper when they came on sale. Again, the world is very unlikely to end tomorrow, leaving you very glad for all 87 rolls. You live in a city with stores on every corner to buy toilet paper in! And 4 sets of bedsheets for the guest room? I think we could get by with 1! I kept 2 to be safe ;) Just... tone it DOWN, friend! (yelling at myself there.. still in shock about how much stuff there was). Bottom line - we need way, way less shit than we currently have. And with that, we added to our eventual 6 hatchback carloads that went to the dump, Goodwill, Value Village, The Beat Goes On, Royal City Gold.. you name it. We sold a lot of stuff, gave away a ton more (and it felt so, so good) to friends, family, and mainly people we don't know, who need it more than us.

I traced my obsession with stuff back to the days when we first bought this house (let's be honest, the first three years) when I was sick over how house poor we were. I could have no "stuff". I let myself spend $100/year on clothes. No new dishes. No new books. Electronics/toys had to be very well justified to enter our doors! When my step-grandma would load me up with stuff (she was a lover and hoarder of all stuff), I'd cling to it like a life preserver. "I have obtained things! All is well!!" It's amazing what a 180 I did in the span of a month. I denounced presents and gifts that weren't consumables. I loathed giving people gifts this Christmas for fear that they wouldn't use them and I would have just contributed more to their STUFF load. I felt more joy in getting rid of things than acquiring them. I'll be honest.. this process changed me and it was WEIRD.

Kitchen junk drawer - ONE pair of oven mitts, ONE apron, 50% less dish towels, and 1 less set of cloth napkins. Twist ties, elastics, labels, one lighter and one pen. DONE. Damn I wish I had a before pic of the hot mess that was :)

Up last was Step 5: sentimental items.

I threw away 2000 photos!! That's my best estimate. From the ages of 11-23 I took pictures on film at a pretty impressive rate, and had the 20+ photo albums to show for it. I took them all apart, put the pics in chronological order, and as I was doing it, got rid of blurry pics, doubles, pics where no one looked good, 1/2 of a 1997 trip to Greece where I took miscellaneous photos of Dawn in our various hotel rooms. I kept about 1000 pics which someday I'd love to scan (but couldn't justify the cost/time right now). In the bookcase pic in my last post you can see 7 photo albums, plus our wedding album. Set for life!

I recycled 4 shoeboxes of notes from high school. I kept the ones that made me laugh out loud. Truth, I didn't read them all. High School Kristyn is actually not who I am anymore, and while I'm glad she had the experiences she did, she was a boy-crazy, drama-lovin' typical teenager. Plus, if I ever need a trip down memory lane, I have her diaries (oh gawd.. mortifying..).

I threw out another 4 shoeboxes of miscellaneous memories - every movie stub, beer bottle cap, napkin from a restaurant while traveling, etc etc etc etc. The purple paper covered box you see in the bookcase pic (last post) is what I kept and where I'll keep a few future worthy items. What's in there now: a few key high school notes from characters like Dawn, Nicole and Jana, cards with sweet messages that made me smile or tear up, the ticket to my first (and last and almost every in between :)) Leafs game, and all the beautiful love notes Jeff has written me. I shed tears and laughter, and in the process, a lot of space/stuff/weight/emotions. What remains is that purple shoebox, those photo albums, a tote of diaries and stories, and ... that's it.

I would like to solve the mystery of who the heck wrote me this funniest email ever in high school. I was hysterically laughing about it - whoever it was shares my very random sense of humour. If you're someone I have on fb, please let me know, and thank you (then and now) for the laughs!!

I'm light as a feather. There is so much space around here. And even though my house looks basically the same to an outsider, I'm finding it WAY easier to relax in, WAY easier to clean up and keep clean, WAY more appealing to come home to and way easier to focus on what matters: my relationships, my hobbies, living a healthy life, and relaxing in a bath with a thousand candles lit because, guys, I finally found where I was keeping the extra candles!!

Also, doesn't this battery drawer (that used to not open) just look so chill?! ;)



Basement storage area, 1/2 of what used to be here, everything you need to reach can be reached with one move. And GOODBYE PLASTIC CHRISTMAS TREE! One of my favourite moves :)




Anyways, that's the extent of my thoughts about this process that I can share. Definitely would recommend it to anyone. If you can't imagine going as hardcore as me, don't. Just start small. Maybe do your clothes, or your books. It gets a little addictive (having trouble watching movies or tv shows without mentally editing the contents of their bookcases in the background). So thanks, Marie, you slightly kooky organizing lady. It was indeed life-changing!

I Got Kondo'd - Steps 1 - 3

** I was working on these posts about decluttering my home before my life went off the rails last week and we lost the beloved leader of our organization. I thought they would be a nice distraction to work on today. They were! A weekend of supreme relaxation, spending time in nature and getting a little caught up on life was just what the doc ordered.

I subscribe to an audiobook service called Scribd which ends up giving me more to read and listen to than I can keep up with. I think I read about a book every 10 days last year!! Audiobooks are great as I can devour them while on the road or on dogwalks. The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo was one of the most interesting listens of 2017 and I couldn't help it.. I got totally inspired to declutter my life.

Her book takes you through five steps of decluttering, from easiest to toughest. You start with your clothes. I thought I wasn't someone with a lot of clothes. I was wrong.

I had a disgusting amount of clothes! I could have lived for 6 weeks without doing laundry!! What sort of apocalypse was I preparing for? Enough! Marie wants you to hold each item (EVERY ITEM IN YOUR HOUSE, FOLKS) and ask yourself: "does this bring me joy?". With clothes, I found the answers were SUPER easy! Turns out I hated a ton of my clothes! Turns out just because something fits, doesn't mean it's a good look for you, the fabric feels nice or the colour makes you happy. Adios dark pink plaid shirt! See ya later blazer that was never and never will be my style! No more, socks with hole!!!! Anywho.. this process, while destroying an entire Saturday, was absolutely worth it.

T-shirt drawer of joy

This drawer used to hold only 6 items of clothing! Look at it now!

I got really efficient with my space, moving into the second, smaller bedroom closet (ugh that sentence drips with privilege...... I am very aware) and learning how to fold so that my dresser could hold more than I ever thought it could! Marie's folding method takes a bit more time because I can't fold shirts in the air in 0.8 seconds anymore, but it makes packing for trips a breeze and constantly reminds me what clothes I have so I don't forget to wear any of these items, carefully retained for the joy they bring me :)

Up next was books. Beyond the 8th grade, I stopped hoarding books like a crazy mini librarian, realizing that they are always available to be borrowed, or from a library. After a few moves, I was down to just four shelves of books in my bookcase. But books were actually everywhere - cookbooks in the junk drawer in the kitchen, books I was "intending" to read "someday" in my night table, books in that random basket of random stuff under the end table in the living room. So I donated 6 boxes of books to Goodwill, and selected a few of my favourite authors for the neighbourhood borrowing box, hoping I'd "spark joy" in someone else when they read Marian Keyes for the first time. I retained only books I thought I'd use again (travel or nature reference), or ones that I've already read at least 2-3x and am not even close to being sick of. As I said, I'm fielding 4 books a month on Scribd, so I have enough electronic books to keep me busy for life, and a great public library for when I finally have to kick the ebook habit ;)

The best books! From a bird reference guide, to Emily Giffin, these all bring me such joy!

 

This used to be stuffed! I wish I was better at before pics. Jeff is going to build a new, smaller bookcase for this space!

'Books' was done, and I was feeling go-ood. I could do this!! Up next. Papers. So, files, receipts, instruction manuals - picture everything paper and figure out what's got to go. Marie recommended ONE file with pertinent warranties and receipts. She's a maniac. But guess what - I did ok! All the paper in my house now lives in my filing cabinet and I used to have trouble getting stuff into and out of it because it was so full. Three recycling bags later and voila.

I was pretty exhausted at this point, it had been at least a full weekend (Sat/Sun) and another weeknight or two (I have lost track at this point), but up next was komono, also known as "miscellany", also known as the bane of my existence. The motivation was certainly there. So prior to, and during our extensive home reno over the holidays, I went to town on komono, phase 4.

Tune in to my second post on this. Even writing it as one post was too overwhelming for me!

Remembering James

I was just talking about grief with my mom yesterday, and how when it hits you it's like a big earthquake, followed by so many aftershocks (and you never know when they're coming). And you run around in circles trying to DO something to make the feelings go away. If I just a) eat this b) watch this c) do this d) talk to this person e) write it down (look familiar?) THEN I'll start to feel right again. But the hard truth is, you can't feel right again when you lose someone you care about. Not right away anyways.. It just takes time. It takes all those afterblows, and the tears that come with them, and the good memories, and the harder ones, and the last things you said to each other to cross your brain 50 times, and talking, and writing (and eating).. and what's actually happening as all those moments occur, is time passing. Because time is really the only thing that makes losing someone even minimally, somewhat, slightly "ok".

Today, the head of my department, our regional vice president, my boss' boss, and my former boss for 4 years from 2009-2013, passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. James .. I don't know how to describe him except this phrase that keeps coming to mind.. he was everything. He was personality, sarcasm, a dark and evil sense of humour, charm and lightness, sensitive, brilliant, strategic, the biggest of big picture thinkers, a softie with a hard shell that didn't take much to crack, and the proudest VP, dad and husband around. He would hate it if I described him this way: but he just sparkled. His legacy in conservation will be remembered forever. Long after people stop remembering him, me and the rest of us, they will walk the shores of places like Wilson Island in Lake Superior and be glad that a place like that was protected. And that was James. He devoted his career to conservation, was the second longest-standing employee at our organization, and was inspiring people, building them up, and taking them down a peg, just to keep it real, until his last day. Which I still can't believe was today.

Hearing the news I was suddenly no longer in my body, but watching a movie of a person receiving bad news who stumbles backwards to the wall and slithers to the floor in tears. Even though it's hit me about 15x now and I've burst into hysterical sobs, every time I realize it's real again, I'm back in that moment, slithering to the floor, pain as fresh as knives. And omg, I'm just his employee. I can't stop thinking about his wife of 20+ years, his three boys (teenagers) and wondering what they must be going through. 54 is way, way too young.

But that's life, isn't it. Full of shitty surprises. All any of us can do is tell the people we love that we love them, be kind and good as much of as many days as we're able, and try to make the most of the short precious time we get to spend here. Damn living is good. And it's way too easy to take it for granted.

Here's my memorial to James, thinking through the ways he touched my life.

He hired me in 2009 after I'd been with our organization for 2 years, into a new role with a lot more responsibility than I'd had in my previous job. Suddenly I went from dealing with conservation plans on my computer, to dealing with people and properties. We managed Northwestern Ontario in tandem for a few years, which meant lots of grumpy early morning flights to Thunder Bay together (neither of us are morning people) and long road trips across the Trans Canada. He loved showing off NWO and the conservation successes he'd had up there. His pride and joy was Wilson Island, 5,000 acres of untouched boreal forest in Lake Superior which he'd been after for a decade and finally secured in 2008. We had a blast exploring the island together. He brought his middle son, Jayden, which made our motley crew of biologists, boat drivers, managers and new northern friends that much weirder, and more memorable. He always called me Grasshopper, as I learned the ropes (I was super naïve at 27, even moreso than I am today at 35 if you can believe it ;)) and one of my proudest moments was when I successfully negotiated my first land deal, skirting some land mines, and he emailed "You have snatched the pebble, Grasshopper." I'll definitely have to watch some Kung Fu in his honour sometime. It was James who pushed me into an Acting Program Director role for the first time. I was 28 and I thought he was bloody crazy. I asked him to pump up my tires and tell me WHY he thought I was ready for that level of responsibility and he said he could teach a monkey how to negotiate a land deal, but people skills were something you couldn't teach, and I had them. Since the man handed out compliments about twice a year at most, I never forgot this one. He also shoved me into a full time Program Director role (after shoving me into a second Acting PD role for the second time in one year), as I was almost literally kicking and screaming. Unsurprisingly, it was exactly the right move for me and my career, and he knew that very well all along.

I bumped up against a couple of rough HR moments somewhere in the middle of all of this, and he was a huge supporter and there for me exactly when I needed his support the most. He did everything I could have asked for, and even the things I didn't, to keep me from drowning. He was always so steady, and so sure. I don't think it was necessarily like that under the surface (I know for a fact he would draft important emails and read them over and over again for many days before sending them), but he was your life preserver when you needed him.

All of this makes our relationship sound like it was super rosy, but it wasn't perfect by any means! We could be pretty tough with each other - nonstop teasing, never giving the other person an inch, and he challenged me ALL THE TIME. We had a couple of good battles. But what was always there was respect and kindness, under it all. His last email to me, and two of my coworkers, read: "I hate you all!" as he was being teased for being early for a conference call for the first time in his life, and was actually a full half hour early and the call hadn't started yet. I replied: "That's sweet, James". Those weren't quite our last words - we had a productive call after that on Friday morning. But I sure wish I had known it was the last time I'd get to speak to him.

I have so many wonderful memories with James. I can't picture what work is going to be like without him. We're all wandering around like zombies today, not quite believe that this is real. The spirit and passion of our region .. he's gone? But what he would want would be for us to carry on with that spirit and passion, and keep delivering amazing conservation for years and years to come. I know before long I'll be walking on the JD Nature Reserve, and my tears will be all over that forest, or wetland, or alvar. It will be a lucky property that gets his name on it forever. He made a humongous difference at our organization, in all our lives and he will never, ever be forgotten. I can't believe how much you can miss someone - so sharply, and so quickly. Wow does it hurt tonight. I'm just going to let the hurt happen, and try to focus on those good memories. On that note, here are some of my fave pics from our time together.

Staff retreat - JD & me, Annette, Ali and Cara. So much wine. So much fun.

He spent this hike on a property in Northwestern Ontario throwing snowballs at me, and then tested the water (verdict: Lake Superior in late October is cold!)

 

Management canoe race at staff retreat (James and Chris); the interns beat these two by a long shot after he lost his paddle

 

He took me to this amazing lookout over Lake Superior. Can't beat that view. This one is framed and hanging downstairs!

 

2 days on Wilson Island with James, Jayden and crew in August 2010

So glad I was on a pic-taking tear this spring, and so glad James got to see the completed work in Creemore. This project took me 4.5 years, $400,000 and I never could have done it without his support!



My work parents - my boss Wendy, and James, who just learned how to wear his buff like a toque

I will never forget you JD

Kristyn Goes to the Pool

I'm not sure why I've never been able to do the simplest of tasks without the maximum amount of ridiculous, embarrassing things happening to me. I'm grateful that I came with a built-in self deprecating sense of humour to withstand the humiliation of the many, many very, very stupid things I've done in public over the years.

Last night I decided: fitness night!! There was a fresh dumping of snow overnight Sunday into Monday, and the temperatures had just risen above nose-falling-off frigid, so it seemed the perfect weather to get out for my first snowshoe of the season, and I had to walk the dog anyways. And the public pool that reopened in my neighbourhood last year runs a "fitness swim" from 9-10 p.m. most evenings. With no other plans, it seemed like a perfect night to burn off the few marshmallows dipped in peanut butter dipped in rice krispies I'd indulged in when I got home from work (these were all Christmas baking leftovers - I finally tossed the marshmallows today - enough already!!!). Caution: don't try this homemade snack lest you want to spend your night in the throes of fitness... Ok anyways, onto the hijinx.

Bailey and I headed out to the local neighbourhood park built around the old landfill site (Jeff and I affectionately call it "the dump park") to get our snowy workout in. I definitely fall down every time I cross country ski, but snowshoes are essentially giant balancing feet, so you think you'd be all set to stay upright, right? Nope. I bailed twice, once going downhill with a little too much enthusiasm (picture windmilling limbs, all four of them) and the other time in a giant unpredictable snowdrift that was inexplicable based on its location and my knowledge of that terrain when there's no snow.... I'm still trying to figure out how a crater formed along the usual walking path :P This drift was so deep the dog (Rottweiler x shepherd) was up to his ears!! Rather than using him as a canary in a snowy coal mine, I just went right into the same spot and suffered the same fate. We both extricated ourselves eventually but shared a look of: "whoa! that was deep!". The tights I'd worn to keep cool since I knew I'd get hot slogging around in all that snow were not waterproof, so the last few steps back to the car were PRETTY chilly as the snow soaked through! Good news - we made it out alive :)

Bailey boy

Pink cheeks!

Fun (soaked) tights & snowshoes

Then it was off to the pool. I said to Jeff as I was leaving "I feel like I'm going to do something stupid. Getting into my bathing suit in a public place and jumping into a communal bathtub is already my worst nightmare." Self-fulfilling prophecy?

1) Arriving at the rec centre, I stood in front of the automatic door and nothing happened. I panicked mildly before locating the actual opening of the door, eight feet to my left. Sigh. Not off to a great start.

2) To mitigate potential future horrors, I asked the guy working the front desk: "I've never been here before, and I'm the type to do something stupid like walking into the men's changeroom, so can you tell me exactly how this works?" He said, "you go into the women's changeroom, and the door to the pool is right through there. It's really easy." Fine. I'll trust you, fella (hint: there were a few more key things he could have mentioned, such as lockers!)

3) The lockers had those crazy pay a quarter, turn the key, key pops out, attach key to self with safety pin systems. A woman in the changeroom noticed me staring at them for a good ten seconds, so I said "do you know how to use these?". She pointed to the instructions, clearly printed on the inside of the door (but the inside of the door? come on!). I slid off my clothes, having already put on my bathing suit underneath (I am a good planner; nothing worse than wriggling into a tight bathing suit under fluorescent lights in a place you've never been before with strangers), worked the quarter-lock system like a pro, pinned my safety pin to myself and I was away to the pool!

4) Without my goggles. Sigh. Back to the changeroom. What? I don't get my quarter back?? I assumed it was like the shopping carts at No Frills. Geez.. I brought my own lock.. can I just use that!?!? Come on City of Guelph. Luckily I had many quarters. Got the goggles. Locker locked again, key pinned to me. Ok.. back to the pool.

5) I hopped into the "medium" speed lane, noticing everyone in every single lane was going exactly the same speed, and having no idea if I'm a fast, slow or medium swimmer. After 6 x 25m laps (which felt great by the way! swimming is basically the best - just the feeling of water, and freedom, and not aggravating my sprained foot or tennis elbows (too badly)), I noticed my lane-mate was standing at the end of the pool. I stood up as I was turning around and said hello and she asked if I could swim closer to my lane divider and only if another person came into the Medium speed area would we need to swim that close together. Yeesh! Pool etiquette I was unaware of!! So I hit the lane divider about 8 times for the rest of the night as I was swimming so close to it to avoid getting all up my neighbour's grill. Small victory: I kicked her ass and covered 750m in 25 minutes while she did maybe half that. ;)

6) I exited the pool feeling like a champ. 750m is the distance I need to do for a sprint triathlon, my summer goal, and I'd done it! In 25 mins! I caught a glimpse of my triumphant self in the mirror in the changeroom and said in my head "looking good girl!". Then realized I'd forgotten underwear to change into. And a toque for my wet hair. Not so well planned after all. Commando home it is.

7) Heading out the door, thinking about how thirsty I was, I suddenly spied a water fountain to my left and made a quick turn to take a drink before heading out into the night. "Wet floor" signs must have taken on some sort of "blend into the background" mode in my brain because I didn't see it, that floor was super wet, and I TOTALLY BAILED! I fell on my outstretched left arm and left knee, and slowly got to my feet. A rec centre worked called out "are you ok?". Someone else said "what happened?" and she yelled "this girl fell!!". Mortification complete. My answer to "are you ok?" was a timid "I don't know" - DAMN my elbow hurt! It didn't get any better overnight, and at my doc appointment that was already booked today, I asked her about the pain and she recommended I get an x-ray since it sounds like I might have a hairline fracture! I'm a walking medical textbook these days! 35 going on 80.

Lesson learned: stay home, don't move. You're a spaz. ;) No, no, just kidding. You know that I didn't sit out the outdoor skating session with my coworkers at lunch today. I got my heart pumping so well that I unzipped my jacket and flapped my arms around yelling "this is so funnnn!!!" - then had to stop because of the pain in my elbow. Victory - I did not fall.

Kathryn and I enjoying the outdoor rink at lunch

The roads iced over around 4 p.m. today as I left the doc's office, so I secured myself safely inside  - where I should probably stay indefinitely, but hey.. life's for livin' after all...

Binge(y) Eating, and Habit Change

I’ve given this topic a fair bit of space in my brain this year, between thinking, reflecting and reading and have come out not entirely convinced that I’m a classic binge eater. There are some typical traits that don’t apply to my patterns of overeating, such as consuming 3000 to 5000 calories in a binge session (that hurts just thinking about it!), bingeing alone (I am much more likely to stuff my face in public than in private), and robotically eating very large quantities of one thing – I like variety in my overeating! A bowl of ice cream here, a few cookies there… However, whatever it is I’ve been doing on and off over the past 20 years is definitely some sort of disordered eating, and definitely has a component of overeating. Often at parties or outings I’ll eat all the “fun” food that’s there until I’m uncomfortably full. Then the next day is inevitably followed by feeling crappy mentally and physically and either soothing those feelings with more eating (rolls eyes) or over-exercise/clean eating that’s borderline punishing.

I have no doubt my episodes of overeating are linked to all those times I’ve restricted my food. I took some time to count it up and realized I’ve gone on diets/healthy eating spurts/eating plans (whatever you want to call it) over 30 times between the ages of 14 to 34. There was something about hitting the 20 year mark that was a wake-up call, that I don’t want to spend the next 40 to 50 years living like this, trapped in this cycle. And it’s definitely a cycle - my brain hungrily remembers all the times we were restricting, sees the plate of cookies and goes “well we’re not being ‘good’ now – let’s eat up while we have the chance!”.

Poor brain. Poor body! Do you know how many times I’ve lost and regained the same 5 to 15 pounds? And I look basically exactly the same all the time, even similar to my high school body, when I first turned into a diet monster.

But rather than looking back at what I have been, or have done, I want to look forward to the person I want to be every day. That’s someone who generally makes healthy food choices, and enjoys treats in a reasonable way. And if I eat most of the large piece of chocolate cake that Viv brings me on Monday evening ;) it will not affect eating veggie-full meals the following day. This has been my focus lately, recognizing that junk food will always be a part of my life, and what I can do is add in healthy things wherever I can. I’ve been really focusing on getting vegetables with every lunch and dinner for the past few weeks, which packs the double punch of providing nutrients/fiber/phytochemicals AND being so filling that one doesn’t feel such a wild urge to eat the rest of the slice of cake... and another slice after that.

One of my favourite podcasts is Half-Size Me, which introduced me to the idea of gradual change over time, one habit at a time. So even though I know I can eat 100% clean and exercise 4 to 5 times a week for about 2 to 3 weeks, I also know it never lasts for good and is usually followed by a big swing in the other direction and overeating all those foods that I cut out for that time.

I’m very happy to report that for the past 3.5 weeks I’ve eaten veggies with every lunch and dinner (minus the McDonald’s I had that day on the road and oh man did it taste so good – do pickles on the cheeseburger count as veggies?), and strength trained 2x/week, a habit I’d really fallen out of doing regularly over the past couple of years. Focusing on these two habits has actually been really easy, and I’m feeling great, still super motivated, and I can already see some muscle definition coming back… alright! Last week I added an extra habit of adding a minimum of one training session per week of any element of a triathlon (swim/bike/run) in prep for my hopeful return to the triathlon game this summer – wish me luck!

I’ve also eaten a pretty serious amount of cake, cookies, chocolate and Halloween candy and had nights where I’ve collapsed on the couch after work and didn’t move again. And I am 100% totally okay with that, and welcome both into my life, in balance.

While losing a few pounds would be nice, sure (there are some TIGHT waistbands in my closet!), I’m no longer tracking calories or weighing myself (I learned that these things make me, someone who is prone to being hard on myself, very likely to beat myself up mentally if I go “off course” and a trigger toward trying to act perfectly – which inevitably leads me in the exact opposite direction) and I have no real goals, or timeline. My goal is living a generally healthy life, continuing athletic pursuits, and freeing myself from the weird diet prison I put myself in when I was 14 years old. I can finally see the outside world, and it looks oh so good…

Hello Blogging My Old Friend

A brief life recap, as summer turns to fall…

An unexpected and interesting development at work this summer was the presentation of some opportunities to appear on camera, on the radio and in other forms of media. The most hilarious/intense was the morning I had 14 back to back syndicated interviews with various CBC shows across Canada, chatting about invasive species. I got to be a bit of a fan girl when I was on Metro morning, and had my picture in the Toronto Star. And I got my first taste of what it feels like to want to hide under a rock, when you see yourself on national TV repeatedly saying "go away bear" while waving your arms back-and-forth with an angry facial expression... at a guy in a bear suit... Overall it's been fun to help spread the word about a variety of important topics related to nature and conservation, and drop the name of my organization to anyone who is listening :-)

Fan Girl

Guess what – I still haven't figured out how to balance healthy eating and regular exercise when things get hectic and busy. My dog had surgery last week and I've been stress eating on his behalf ever since. I read an awesome read this summer on the topic of "overcoming binge eating". I'm not someone who eats out of the garbage can or anything, but I've been known to clean off a tray of cookies and overindulge at parties basically for my entire teen/adult life! And often when I start eating badly, I find it hard to bring myself back to the world of vegetables and moderation. I'm pretty tired of the binge – restrict cycle (this is the basis of the theory "dieting doesn't work", which I fully subscribe to even if I don't necessarily put it into action), so I've been trying to stop restricting to hopefully stop the binging. It's been an interesting journey, one that I was surprised to find required you to really do an assessment of the things you like and things you don't like about yourself. Turns out, my list of "don't likes" was longer than list of "likes", and of a length and breadth that took me by surprise (kind of)! This is likely a key reason why I'm not doing my body the service of being kind to it with what goes in! So, as always, a work in progress. The good news is, I can still fit fine in most of my pants, and hey, that's not too shabby!

I made 48 of these lovelies last weekend for M's shower (Pam ran the icing job, clearly).. I may have eaten 7... :S

Jeff and I went to BC for the first half of September. I can't say enough good things about this vacation. Obviously what stands out is the fact that we saw six grizzly bears, several which were so close that we could see through our camera lens and binoculars the various shades of gold in their fur, and the absolute size of their claws. But there was so much more than just the bears. There were whales. Bald eagles, seals, beautiful stellar jays, marmots and even a pica. There was falling madly in love with Whistler, and then repeating the whole thing over a day later to fall madly in love with Vancouver. There were those trees – those giant trees that just seemed to get bigger and bigger as the trip went on - trees you couldn't even hug if you tried. There was bungee jumping, hands down the most terrifying experience of my life, particularly the feeling when I was freefalling towards my death and acutely aware that there was no lap bar holding me in, as there always seems to be when I'm hurtling downward at those speeds i.e. on my beloved roller coasters. There were mountains, mosses, rivers, lots of laughs, hundreds of thousands of steps taken, and always, what stands out the most is the amount of quality time I got to spend with Jeff. Grizzlymoon was one that will go down in history is pretty awesome. So for everyone who asked "why BC?"… bc! I don't think a destination needs to be far-flung or exotic to give you simply incredible experiences. Plus, isn't it a little tragic that before BC I hadn't traveled further west in Canada than Winnipeg… in December? Canada's a beaut - can't wait to see the Rockies someday!

Rawr

Squee

I think my last interesting life update is that recently I took over as organizer for the Meetup group Happy and Child Free – Guelph/KW. For anyone not aware of the loveliness of the website/org meetup.com, this is a site where you can simply type in your interests and be presented with a bunch of like-minded people doing things that appeal to you in your geographical area – well-played Meetup creators, well played! It can be so tough to meet new ppl in the post-university phase of life! This particular group was founded by Heather, a lovely woman who did an amazing job back in 2015 of uniting a group of 30-somethings who would have probably never met otherwise, but many of which are now lucky enough to call each other friends, with new potential friends arriving at every event we hold (..some duds also..). Heather is pursuing some other passions now, and asked me to take over management of the group, which I was happy to do! We don't do anything too much more exotic than eating, movies, trivia nights, but the one thing that is always there is great conversation, and many laughs.

Last week's showing at trivia - 2nd place! I'm a nerdy trivia addict, for the record...

Winter din at Artisinale w/ a nice sampling of cf friends (photo by Heather :))

Did you know one in five women now end their lives without a child? They're not necessarily all childfree by choice, but I think it's neat to think about the fact that this "alternative" life path which seems to make most people over the age of 50 gawk at me as if I'm an alien, and elicit otherwise confused and concerned looks from many folks of all ages, and genders, is perhaps not all that "alternative" after all. I don't talk about this particular life path of mine all that much, because some parents have read into my choice as some sort of judgement of theirs (to be clear – I am totally 100% okay with what everyone chooses or ends up doing re kids. What you do with your life and reproductive parts has absolutely nothing to do with me or our relationship. Kids, no kids, I just want everyone I love to be happy), and for some other more sensitive reasons I won't get into. But I don't want to do a disservice to a group of people who don't deserve to feel like they have to hide who they are and how they are living their life. So in the interest of owning my truth, my reason for being childfree is simple: from somewhere deep inside me I have never wanted kids, knew that it would be the wrong path for me, and more than this being a decision, it was simply a matter of looking inside myself and identifying what has always been there. On my first date with Jeff we somehow (wtf) ended up on the topic of kids and he was the first to confess he didn't want them. His reasons were essentially the same as mine (though he uses less flowery wording than "looking inside myself"). A little bell definitely rang at that point - "huh.. that's interesting..". :)

Interesting indeed :)

I'll keep this one short, but it was so nice to sit down and write again. I don't know why I let so much time pass before coming back to the thing that makes me so happy :-)

I'm going to earmark binge eating as a topic for a future blog as I really got my mind turning about it again as I wrote tonight – so stay tuned if you're interested or have ever found yourself struggling with it as well!