As a preview to this post, please feel free to peruse this one from spring 2012. Back then, I was contemplating the 2 Kristyns that live within me - the really healthy one who cooks, exercises regularly and doesn't fall off the wagon of a healthy lifestyle everytime a tasty treat is presented to her (let's face it.. this life is full of tasty treats!) and the one who relishes a slovenly life of chilling out on the couch, elbow deep in a tub of ice cream, grinning wildly. Somewhere between these 2 Kristyns I was hoping to find a balance, and a healthy lifestyle. That was 2 years ago.. I'm still on this mission.
This past March I had a really excellent conversation with someone who challenged me to put away my scale, my bodybugg, my measuring tape and all my other weight loss/weight maintenance paraphenalia and really try to live in between these two Kristyns. The principles are the same I outlined all the way back in March 2012:
- eat relatively well, focusing on cooking healthy meals at home
- stop eating when you're full (we talked a bit about punishment eating, where you're full but for some reason you're almost mad at yourself and keep cramming it in? YIKES!)
- allow yourself to have treats when you want them, knowing treats will always be available so there's no need to eat ALL THE TREATS
- stop measuring health by the number on the scale and instead use how well your clothes fit and how you feel
- exercise a few times a week
It was really weird to stop counting calories for the first time in as long as I can remember. Over the past 6 months, some counting has crept back in (when something is both a lifelong habit and an effective way to measure how much you're (over)eating, it's hard to keep it at bay!) but for the most part I just tried to focus on putting healthy things in me as much as I could and stopping eating when I was full. It's not that easy though, is it? I don't always stop when I'm full, because some food is delicious! Especially the stuff that's really bad for me! UGH!
I have greatly enjoyed the reprieve from the scale. My pants all still fit (somewhat..) so I know that I don't need to be on the scale having the battle with those 2-3 pounds that likely don't mean anything in the grand scheme of things. Plus, does this happen to anyone else, I noticed that when I'd be down a few pounds I'd reward myself with eating.. and when I was up a couple of pounds I'd be sad and comfort myself with eating. Not a particularly effective strategy! I actually have only been weighed ONCE in 6 months (for a former scale addict, this is crazy!) and it was at the doc's office and I gotta say I didn't LOVE the number, but it wasn't the worst thing I've seen (up about 8 lbs from my wedding weight for a reference point to anyone following this silly journey). With my summer of nearly non-stop hiking when I'm out in the field, plus at least 1-2 dog walks per day with Bailey, at least I know I am relatively mobile and therefore can`t pack on 20 lbs without trying REALLY hard! I worry though about how much precious muscle has turned to flab and how my heart and other valuable are functioning without high intensity cardio - wish I could know more about the inner workings of me.. it might be an interesting wake up call!
All that aside, I feel that I'm teetering on some sort of edge here. I've barely been cooking, and that means dinner mostly consists of whatever's in the fridge/garden/pantry which isn't always the best thing. Accidentally planting 24 tomato plants instead of the 6 I'd planned for mean there are so many cherry tomatoes I'd feel guilt NOT to make caprese salad almost every day which has been great. However, the all too tempting bowl of cereal or peanut butter on toast dinner looms.. and with that the all too troublesome "I don't want to eat cereal for dinner.. what can I pick up from x local fast food restaurant?!". So while I'm managing to stay on the edge of this cliff, which I picture shaped as a pair of my jeans which still.. JUST BARELY.. fit... I wanted to take a moment to check myself.. before I wreck myself.. and have an honest chat with myself and the internet about my plan going forward to ensure I can cling to this side of jeans fitting and a healthy life. I have absolutely no idea what is about to come out of my fingertips onto the keyboard!
In an ideal world everyone in my life would stop encouraging me to eat badly because "we're out!" "it's a treat!" "how often do you get dessert anyways?" (often, people, the answer is OFTEN!). I already comfort eat the crap out of life when I'm in the field. When I walk 15km a day in rubber boots or got my shoe stuck in ANOTHER mucky wetland (at least 10x this season), you can bet I'm going to be packing in some ice cream that evening. So my life isn't exactly some healthy beacon during the week, which would allow for gratuitous eating all weekend long. I get the sense this is what most of my peer pressure friends and family do, so news bulletin that the weekends are often my chance to redeem myself!!! If anyone is reading this who hangs out with me regularly, please help me resist the all to great temptation that is junk food. Maybe we can all mind our own foody business and then this pressured group eating will stop. And don't get me wrong, I'm as guilty of it as the next person. If I'm eating badly, you're coming down with me! There`s also the contagious eating that happens without any peer pressure at all. Last night my neighbours put out a giant platter of candy and chips while we watched Bachelor in Paradise in our pjs together. Had they not been all over the chips and candy I probably would have sat back instead of diving in with my face.. but there they were, two people who I consider fit and healthy, eating away.. well if they can eat all the candy, so can I! Such a bad mentality. I've got to be more on point with thinking about what I want to put in my body, what I want to consume and let's be honest, what I should and should not consume and let that be my guiding force - not the actions, and words of the people around me. To the end of guilt/group eating! (because if I say "I'll try".. I probably won't. Must just do.)
Cooking. If I was tech savvy enough to find an emoticon that was sobbing, I would use that. I really like cooking, but I've had absolutely no desire to cook for the past ~4 months. It was like after Italy no food could be that good, so dinner was to be cheese and crackers. Jeff has also fallen off the cooking wagon, hard, onto a bowl of yogurt and a box of protein bars. We are not helping one another. We don't know why, but neither of us feels like cooking AT ALL so we barely do. Anytime we make a nice meal, we rave about how great it is, and how we should do this more often. I don't know what the hindrance is.. my intern Laura told me that she spends about 1 hour per night cooking, consuming and tidying up after dinner. To me, 1 hour is worth it's weight in gold during the busy summer and I can't even imagine doing that.. or finding the energy or motivation to do that. I feel like I'm super bored of all my staple dishes and anything interesting I want to make I don't have all the ingredients for, and I`m probably not going to make it to the store before I`m ravenous for dinner, so gimme the cheese and crackers! I'm hoping that the return to regular life that accompanies the onset of fall will with it spur a desire to cook. Part of the truth is I have always liked baking more than cooking.. but that only yields sugary, floury, fatty results.. delicious ones but not as nutritionally sound as basically anything that I might cook for dinner. At this point I would like to give a shout out to parents who have to work, take care of kids and cook due to needing to put vegetables into your childrens mouths. You're my heroes - don't know how you do it (necessity? don't think I'll be trying that experiment though! ;)) - and would I be able to borrow you for a few weeks to come cook me some wholesome dishes and get me excited about cooking again?
Exercise. To add to my ridiculous list of injuries that forced me to give up running, always a staple part of my cardio program, I injured my Achilles tendon this spring. So put the already buggered left knee, left hip, the upper and lower back in there, and basically all I'm left with is arms and neck, both of which are attached to my upper back which hurts pretty much all the time. Plus, working towards ropy forearms and a toned neck isn't my idea of motivating. ;) I think the answer here is to power through the pain, starting gently and slowly, to build up all the muscles I've been neglecting over the years due to fear of injury and of course put all the emphasis on activities I can do.. which mostly just includes walking and that's only if I stretch out my calves really well so my Achilles don't hurt. On that note, would anyone like to trade bodies with me? No takers!? That's outrageous! I guess I should just be grateful that I can walk, skip, jump and play with my puppy even if I've got creaks and crinks at the ripe old age of 31.
So those seem like three good pillars to work around. Get exercise back in my life (when I'm done being sick.. this weekend I could barely walk up the stairs without keeling over!). Cook a couple of interesting/healthy meals a week when I'm home. Learn that I'm in control of what I put in my mouth, not anyone else, and when I've had enough treats in one week (and I know where that breaking point is) say to myself "let's be nice to our body and not eat that". My stomach, inside and out, will probably thank me!
It was a lovely idea, this "don't care and it will all work out". I definitely like some of the principles behind it, like keeping my scale tucked away in the closet and using my pants as my measuring device. But I think I was a little too naive, and broken, to figure I could throw all the rules out the window and still achieve the level of fitness and health I want. Those things take work, and it's work I've put in before and will be more than happy to put in again.
Now, downstairs to eat caprese salad #178 of the season, followed by some delicious mango I just thawed (Costco frozen precut mango people, that stuff is the sh*t!) and 2 squares of dark chocolate to keep me sane. Tonight if I'm feeling any better (sick days mostly just make you feel frustrated you can`t do all the things you want to do with all your free time!) I may cook us up something using the ever-growing pile of untouched meat in the freezer and surprise Jeff. I'll have to report back to keep me honest about what I served us, and hoping that result will not be "two bowls of raisin bran". Though once again - there is no try is there? I WILL make some dinner tonight and be grateful that I'm able to access healthy ingredients and have a nice kitchen to cook in, and 2 healthy legs to stand on. Hoorah!
Stay tuned...
Tuesday, 2 September 2014
Monday, 1 September 2014
Summer, Don't Go!!!!
Usually at this time of year I listen to everyone complain about summer ending - back to work, back to school, back to jeans, back to the slow trek towards winter - and I nod along, all the while thinking "I CAN'T WAIT!". I am a hardcore autumn addict. The trees slowly sloughing off their leaves, the smell of the leaves in the air, the colour of the leaves.. wait there's got to be more that I like than leaves... those bluest of blue skies, wearing my riding boots and favourite suede coat again, and the crispness in the air that typically I've missed all summer long. I'm also bidding GOOD RIDDANCE to field season, usually, which has (usually) tortured me with at least 15-20 full days of murderously hot fieldwork where I feel like there is a hot towel over my face I'm being forced to breathe through, where I slurp my camelback to completion well before the day is over (those are thirsty days, lemme tell ya) and where I have to choose all my clothes and undergarments super carefully due to the inevitable chafing that comes from working in field clothes drenched in SWEAT! I have entire groups of clothing set aside to prevent "rubbies" lol. Usually by this point all the skin on my feet has melted off (I'm sure you wanted to know that) from too many days in sweat-filled rubber boots and I've spent one too many days under a blazing hot sun being eaten alive by mosquitoes or roasting under full spray gear in 35C feels like 40C weather. I am having extremely vivid flashbacks and some PSTD-like shaking due to remembering the past couple of years and how ready I was for summer to be done. Plus, summer means a return to a semi-normal office life. This year I'll be inside as early as October 1st with just a small detour to the field otherwise in late Oct.. wow! My earliest break in a few years. :) I love coming inside, coming home, and really getting a chance to get back into fitness, cooking, house projects and most importantly time with Jeff, Bailey, friends and family.
But cold summer has really done a number on me. It's September and I feel like I've totally hit my stride with fieldwork. I was splashing around in Georgian Bay on Friday mapping Phragmites (invasive grass) populations with the biggest smile on my face. I was facing a 3 hour drive home down the 400 on a Friday afternoon and was knee deep in freezing cold water, but it was almost like I didn't WANT to leave! I was having too much FUN! And cold July and cold August were really the greatest allies ever - sooooo lucky to have such coooold weather for such ridiculously grueling work! I couldn't believe the luck I had - every day that was hot and sticky was either spent at home (with a/c), in the office (with a fan) or with fieldwork being cancelled due to thunderstorms. I basically got off scot free, in the summer in which I did more fieldwork than I've ever done before! In addition, I'm such a pro at packing for trips I can do it in under 20 minutes, and I'm such a pro at unpacking that when I'm home I am HOME and Jeff and Bailey may not have even noticed I was gone.
So really - things are going swimmingly in terms of the fieldwork and travel part of my life... so why all of a sudden is it September? Now instead of all things senescing leaves and riding boots all I can see is winter (which in my mind looks like a big angry cloud with a gaping mouth with teeth, breathing cold snow all over me) peering around the corner and I'm thinking: "no! don't!!! I can't DO IT AGAIN!!!". Time has never moved as quickly as it did between last winter and now, probably because this summer was so fab, and I just can't believe it's a month ending with R because at the end of this sequence is DECEMBER, followed by the 2 most depressing months in the world. Don't do it summer!!! Don't end!!!!!!!!!!!
But I've gotta get back to reality here, right? I'll dream of baking apple crisp and pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving... drinking hot apple cider... pumpkin muffins from Starbucks (with that core of sweetened cream cheese? OH MAN are they good!)... anniversary hikes (wedding = 3 years; together = 7 years!).. both our birthdays (so fun to spoil each other)... 2 great concerts coming up (Riotfest and Alt-j). Not to mention coming inside, my last week of killing invasives (4 days to go this week then I get to stop killing things!) and the return to regular life where someone says "are you free for x?" and instead of saying "I have no free time until October" or "sorry, out of town again" I can say "yes! see you there!". Phew.. ok.. breathing again... fall is lovely.
And the truth is, humidity in the 30s this week; 4 straight days of fieldwork after the world's laziest long weekend (I'm sick, in my defense!), 2 major work events, a conference, multiple meetings, working 1 Sunday and at least 5 more days of fieldwork this month means I'm probably going to be REALLY ready to say adios come October 1.... but before I go gettin' all angry at summer, I will revel in some of the things that I love so dearly about it and will miss ever so much over the next 8 months..
- birkenstocks/flip flops/slingbacks. My feet feel so constricted, and sad, all summer long about constantly being shoved inside hot boots and never being able to slip comfortably into open-toed, free-wheelin', floppy footwear
- early morning Bailey walks in a t-shirt and shorts. In the winter, early morning Bailey walks consist of no less than 10 articles of clothing (seriously - hat, scarf, shirt, sweater, jacket, mittens, long johns, snow pants, boots, etc. etc.) and I end up feeling like Ralphie from a Christmas story by the time it's time to leave the house
- sitting on my back deck - the trees, the birds, the sunshine.. it's all freaking good. The backyard is just not somewhere you want to be in the winter - other than filling the bird feeders, we basically abandon it from November - April.. so sad!
- swimming.. water. There is nothing more refreshing and awesome than swimming in nature and this year I got to do it at lots of different places including Sturgeon Lake in Fenelon Falls, the Ottawa River in Quebec, Lake Cecebe, Guelph Lake, and probably some I'm forgetting! Nothing better than diving into that cool, sweet real live water :)
- being a normal temperature instead of a freezing popsicle of a woman every single day and night.. my toes are cold ALL WINTER LONG!!!
Ah, summer. We'll see how I feel in another month, but for right now I wouldn't mind if you stuck around forever!!!
Sorry no pics with this one. Big week of fieldwork coming up, gotta get to bed! :)
But cold summer has really done a number on me. It's September and I feel like I've totally hit my stride with fieldwork. I was splashing around in Georgian Bay on Friday mapping Phragmites (invasive grass) populations with the biggest smile on my face. I was facing a 3 hour drive home down the 400 on a Friday afternoon and was knee deep in freezing cold water, but it was almost like I didn't WANT to leave! I was having too much FUN! And cold July and cold August were really the greatest allies ever - sooooo lucky to have such coooold weather for such ridiculously grueling work! I couldn't believe the luck I had - every day that was hot and sticky was either spent at home (with a/c), in the office (with a fan) or with fieldwork being cancelled due to thunderstorms. I basically got off scot free, in the summer in which I did more fieldwork than I've ever done before! In addition, I'm such a pro at packing for trips I can do it in under 20 minutes, and I'm such a pro at unpacking that when I'm home I am HOME and Jeff and Bailey may not have even noticed I was gone.
So really - things are going swimmingly in terms of the fieldwork and travel part of my life... so why all of a sudden is it September? Now instead of all things senescing leaves and riding boots all I can see is winter (which in my mind looks like a big angry cloud with a gaping mouth with teeth, breathing cold snow all over me) peering around the corner and I'm thinking: "no! don't!!! I can't DO IT AGAIN!!!". Time has never moved as quickly as it did between last winter and now, probably because this summer was so fab, and I just can't believe it's a month ending with R because at the end of this sequence is DECEMBER, followed by the 2 most depressing months in the world. Don't do it summer!!! Don't end!!!!!!!!!!!
But I've gotta get back to reality here, right? I'll dream of baking apple crisp and pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving... drinking hot apple cider... pumpkin muffins from Starbucks (with that core of sweetened cream cheese? OH MAN are they good!)... anniversary hikes (wedding = 3 years; together = 7 years!).. both our birthdays (so fun to spoil each other)... 2 great concerts coming up (Riotfest and Alt-j). Not to mention coming inside, my last week of killing invasives (4 days to go this week then I get to stop killing things!) and the return to regular life where someone says "are you free for x?" and instead of saying "I have no free time until October" or "sorry, out of town again" I can say "yes! see you there!". Phew.. ok.. breathing again... fall is lovely.
And the truth is, humidity in the 30s this week; 4 straight days of fieldwork after the world's laziest long weekend (I'm sick, in my defense!), 2 major work events, a conference, multiple meetings, working 1 Sunday and at least 5 more days of fieldwork this month means I'm probably going to be REALLY ready to say adios come October 1.... but before I go gettin' all angry at summer, I will revel in some of the things that I love so dearly about it and will miss ever so much over the next 8 months..
- birkenstocks/flip flops/slingbacks. My feet feel so constricted, and sad, all summer long about constantly being shoved inside hot boots and never being able to slip comfortably into open-toed, free-wheelin', floppy footwear
- early morning Bailey walks in a t-shirt and shorts. In the winter, early morning Bailey walks consist of no less than 10 articles of clothing (seriously - hat, scarf, shirt, sweater, jacket, mittens, long johns, snow pants, boots, etc. etc.) and I end up feeling like Ralphie from a Christmas story by the time it's time to leave the house
- sitting on my back deck - the trees, the birds, the sunshine.. it's all freaking good. The backyard is just not somewhere you want to be in the winter - other than filling the bird feeders, we basically abandon it from November - April.. so sad!
- swimming.. water. There is nothing more refreshing and awesome than swimming in nature and this year I got to do it at lots of different places including Sturgeon Lake in Fenelon Falls, the Ottawa River in Quebec, Lake Cecebe, Guelph Lake, and probably some I'm forgetting! Nothing better than diving into that cool, sweet real live water :)
- being a normal temperature instead of a freezing popsicle of a woman every single day and night.. my toes are cold ALL WINTER LONG!!!
Ah, summer. We'll see how I feel in another month, but for right now I wouldn't mind if you stuck around forever!!!
Sorry no pics with this one. Big week of fieldwork coming up, gotta get to bed! :)
Thursday, 10 July 2014
So Much For Catastrophe-free July!
Frig it. I'm going to have to embrace the fact that I am someone destined for hijinx and the purpose of my life is to go through these ridiculous moments so I may share them all with you and we can all have some good laughs. Because I have to say.. I laughed out loud at myself SO many times over the past couple of days.. and, shame aside, it felt pretty great. Authentic. Frankly, how it's gotta be. My interns Laura and Mike have a theory that everyone does stupid stuff, just no one talks about it as much as I do. But hiding my mistakes, failures and accidents seems like I'm trying to make myself look like something I'm not - and who I am is someone who is, at the core, honest with very little sense of shame. So here ya go!
I just spent a glorious 2 days in the Minesing Wetlands.
This internationally significant wetland is located just 15 minutes west of Barrie and contains a mixture of wetland types - your typical marshes (those areas that are wet without trees), swamps (those areas that are wet with trees), rivers, open water, and FENS! To keep the nerdiness brief, briefly, fens are nutrient poor groundwater fed wetland systems that contain a suite of typical species including the amazing PITCHER PLANT! Which is exactly what you're thinking - the carnivorous plant that catches and digests insects. So neat! I always knew Minesing had a giant fen right at the heart of it, but to date I've only been lucky enough to explore its rivers, swamps, forests, marshes and fields. It was finally fen time! July is the time for the Eastern Prairie Fringed-orchid to bloom, so seemed like a great time to get out there, figure out the extent of the population of this endangered plant and do some community classification and species inventory along the way. I was pretty stoked.
And we're in this wide open wetland, with scattered, stunted tamarack trees and native Phragmites (which is just so weird to walk among, with the non-native one being SO bad) and game trails criss-crossing the fen in every direction. And you just know that no one has been there in some time.. and likely won't be out there for some time again. It's just you, nature and 3 km between you and everything else. And that's part of the reason why this is where the Eastern Prairie Fringed-orchid grows.
It's a gorgeous orchid, sometimes growing as tall as waist high! What a treat it was to find my first one.. and then 20 more after that. In total we tracked down about 60 of these guys in 2 days. Such a gift!
I just spent a glorious 2 days in the Minesing Wetlands.
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| 2014.. not the Jurassic era as you might expect! Hard to believe places really look this amazing |
We went out with Dave from our partner organization who is a Minesing pro and all around tough and awesome guy. Dave said "it's a bit of a hike in - 1.5-2 hours to the fen". To me, this seemed completely impossible. How could ANYTHING take that long to walk, especially when it was only a few kilometers on a map? I walk Bailey 3 km around my neighbourhood on the regs and we can blast that out in like 30 minutes!
Because it's not WALKING. It's slight forward movement while hoping for the best, through terrain including:
- conifer swamps with a mixture of tall hummocks (humps of ground) and pools of water
- wet grassy fields where sometimes the ground is right there.. and sometimes it is not
- straight up ponds that at any moment can suck your foot down, devouring you up to your thigh
- forests so full of fallen trees that you feel like a tightrope walker, just hoping for the best to get across them
When I'm working in wetlands I like to just give up on having dry feet and wear light comfortable shoes, wool socks (like a wetsuit for your feet) and give 'er. This year I have been trying my Keane-like water shoes that have a thick rubber sole, some tread, a closed toe but open bits along the sides. I figured they'd be less water-logged than my hiking boots and therefore easier to lift when wet (amazing how heavy a water-logged foot can feel after yanking it UP all day long!) And the whole look comes together in a HIGHLY attractive fashionable ensemble:
(I just realized Mike has this photo and I will insert it when I get it.. stay tuned.. it's hot!)
So we started our trek out to the fen. The mosquitoes were epic. If you slowed down even for a second you'd be being bitten by at least 5 with 20 more buzzing around your ears and 50 more looking for a piece of skin to land on. So we kept moving, and quickly! We came to a stream that looked a bit too wide to cross. I said - "I think I can jump that distance" (and typically I'm an alright judge of when I can/can't jump it). Intern Mike looked concerned and said "are you sure? be careful". Scoffing, I leapt across it, lost my footing on the landing, had both legs land in the stream behind me and my face plant onto the shore. Ah, graceful. Then came the deadfall. Mossy logs are great to step on to keep yourself out of deep water (though I was already pretty wet by this point, plunging into knee deep water just doesn't feel great, especially when the bottom is sticky organic muck that likes to steal even a tightly strapped on water shoe!), so I was using them for most of the way through a cedar forest. One log looked a bit smaller than probably what I needed, but I decided if I leapt quickly onto it and then off of it, everything would turn out fine. At this point it was 8:30 a.m. with 6 hours to go in our day. And I lost my footing, fell completely sideways and lay with my entire left side of my body, not to mention the entire left side of my backpack submerged in brown organic water. Mike looked on helplessly behind me while I laid there and said "I'm fine. Oh crap. I'm fine. I'm having trouble.. righting myself... I'm fine. I'm up. I'm wet." My entire pant leg including the ass, the underwear beneath, and most of the arm of my long sleeved shirt were completely soaked through with chocolatey swamp water. Luckily I'd had the foresight to pack my electronics in a dry bag earlier that morning (I just, well, know me...). .... Onward!
2 HOURS OF HIKING LATER we start to see signs that we're getting into a more open habitat.. finally, the fen!
So then it starts to get REALLY good!
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| Pitcher Plant! |
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| Grass-pink! |
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| Swamp Milkweed alive with all sorts of butterflies |
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| "EPFO" as us cool cats call it |
In the fen, I managed to physically, actually lose my shoe. I had the intern from our partner agency Jess first pulling on me to dislodge my leg from the muck that had sucked it down, then feeling blindly through the water for my shoe. We had to yank up on that shoe for REALZ to free it up. This would be the first of about 8 times I lost the shoe over a 2 day span.
I only went down on my hands and knees 2 times (in addition to my sideways nap in the water) on Day 1 which I took as a victory. It was a cool 19C and sunny - essentially perfect weather. The bugs mostly left us alone in the cool breezes and we were free to roam and claim the fen. We were separated from Dave once which was TERRIFYING (you lose someone in a Phragmites patch, you're not getting them back!), but we found him again in no time.
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| Jess among the Phragmites. She's short, but not that short! It's at least 7-8' tall mostly. |
We staggered out of Day 1 (after having to basically scale the Algonquin Bluffs with our hands, and a 40 minute detour west that I'm happy to report was NOT my fault) with remarks about sore calves, tired hips, achy knees, creaky backs.. but we'd made it out, and that was awesome. Success!
After a mid-day nap at my hotel I had too much energy to just hang around all night so decided to take my intern Mike up on his suggestion to watch his band, the Barriers (they're from Barrie.. this is the cheesiest band name ever) play at Donaleigh's which is apparently the place to be in Barrie. I was reluctant to go. A bar... alone? In Barrie? In my "evening attire" that I'd packed of Birkenstocks, ripped jeans, my NCC fleece with the broken off zipper, and my unstyled puffy hair with no makeup? Then I thought.. what the hell do I care what anyone thinks.. you only live once. Plus I'm already married haha. And I trucked off to the bar. Ok so it's super awkward hanging alone at a bar, for anyone who hasn't tried this gem before. Mike waved when I walked in but was, you know, playing guitar (p.s. kudos to his poorly named band, they're great!). And continued to play guitar for an hour while I just kinda hung. A dude sat down next to me and he was also alone, so I had a sinking feeling of what was coming. And there it was - the worst pick up line ever: "what's your story?". I told him my name was Kristyn, I was in town for work and I was watching my intern's band play to pass the time. He told me his name was Mark and he was divorced and that's where the bio ended. Oh boy. He was completely hammered, so I humoured him by talking, told him that no, Mike was my "intern" not my "husband", turned down his offer to buy me another beer (2x) and was very grateful when the band took a break and Mike came over to chat so I could turn the other way! I was outta there by 11 p.m. but really glad I went instead of reading in my hotel all night like a lame-o!
I started Day 2 feeling pretty fresh. I was being VERY conscientious about my belongings, as I've discussed since the demise of our beloved GPS unit. I'm chatting with Dave while putting together my stuff for the day (we call this the "high maintenance 5 minutes" - HM5M) and being VERY organized.. ya me! Mike shows up while I'm packing up my dry bag and have already locked my car - now my HM5M just awaits me putting the dry bag in my backpack and closing the door - and starts to back his car towards me. Not knowing where the HELL he was going and sizing up the fact that I was in his trajectory, I quickly slammed my car door shut and leapt out of the way. The ominous "honk!" that Jetta let out to let me know it was safely locked was my first clue of trouble. I looked inside and sure enough there was my bag! ARGGGGGHHHH!!! Wellllll.... this is why I have CAA. I figure being halfway between Barrie and Angus, someone should be along to help me in 20 minutes. They may have, if my clear instructions of "COUNTY ROAD 90 - near ANGUS!" hadn't come across as "County Rd 9".. in Creemore. Come on guys! I would almost blame myself for being distracted by the GIANT heap of human waste and associated napkins that I suddenly realized was next to all of our cars, but I kept it together pretty well (I did shriek to Dave and Mike when CAA put me on hold and show them the pile.. I mean... the nearest town is literally 1 minute away, this guy couldn't hold it!??!!). Finally, 1.5 hours later (after I'd sent Dave and Mike ahead to do some work along our path in) Jetta's door was pried open, the keys and bag were mine, and we were off!
I full on fell down about 5 times today. I told Dave and Mike it was only three times, but it was at least 5. One time it was two kneecaps on a fallen log. Another it was hands planted in muck in front of me. Another time almost a gentle, church-like kneel for no discernable reason. I lost my shoe at least 3 more times. I did a lot of exaggerated, flailing circling arms as I narrowly clung to logs, hummocks or anything my feet would hold. I started to notice I was repeatedly pulling out the "rail slide" that skaters used to do in high school where you'd "ride the rail" on your board- instead it was me riding a mossy log on my shoes. Later I inspected the soles of these water shoes to find they were largely lined with something soft, like felt. What the FUCK? In what situation do you want felt-soled shoes? No wonder I was all over the map and ass deep in this wetland for 2 days! BLAMING THE SHOES!
I'm kind of sorry to say this, but luckily it wasn't just me. There were times where Mike would just stand, frozen, up to his thighs in water, not sure about his next move. There's something about squirming in muck that gets you deeper in it, so even if you get one foot out, your second foot is now in worse peril. There was the time Dave "pulled a Kristyn" and face-planted forward into the mud/water, soaking his field notes. Another cool thing about fens: they often have "mats" of vegetation overlying the true substrate and today we were bouncing along on a submerged mass of sedges! This was made funnier when Mike's leg broke through the mat and he went up to his thigh, describing the feeling of "kicking" underneath and finding nothing! Crazy!! Dave also took more mosquitoes to the throat than anyone I've ever met.
But above all the craziness, the 8 hours of slogging in and out of the fen over 2 days, the few hours we got to spend poking around the fen, looking at a place that hardly anyone ever gets to see, hearing the silence of being in the middle of NOWHERE.. it was pretty awesome. And the joy of sprinting across a bouncing mat of sedges to scream out "I GOT ONE!!!!" when you find a giant, lacy, endangered orchid... welllllll... let's just say I love my job. I may not be able to walk tomorrow and am already peppered with the blue and yellow of bruises with perma-dirt etched around my toenails...... but I'm still over the moon for what I do.
Cheers to sharing stories of stupidity among ourselves - I hope to hear some of yours soon :D
Tuesday, 8 July 2014
Summer News, Blues, Truths
I can't believe summer (which I take to be the May - September approximation of field season when I can do work outdoors) is half over. It's unreal how the time flies. People older than me keep telling me it's only going to get worse as I get older, that time will only go faster. Is there a fix for this!? I have heard that true happiness comes only from embracing the moment you're in. Perhaps this is true? I have also heard that happiness can be maximized by the thrill of anticipation. I'd definitely give this one some stock. So here I am, trying to enjoy the joys of summer before it's gone once again; but also using anticipation of future events to ice the cake of happiness - but all the while, there is the reality that no one is ever, really, 100% happy. Even if you've learned that the grass is greenest where you are right at this very moment in time (http://www.sincerelygoofy.blogspot.ca/2014/06/green-grass.html) it's sometimes hard to "get it" on all levels of your psyche and soar through the days, thrilled all the while.
After writing that last blog post (which I forgot to share, so hopefully today is the day you're in the mood for a lot of peering around at the inside of my skull!) I felt distinctly lighter and happier for sure. There was a real paradigm shift of making myself stop wanting more and making myself stop and be grateful for what was already there.
However - there's still a lingering grumpiness that I can't put my finger on. Yesterday I was SO tired after being up half the night comforting thunder-scared Bailey (those were quite the storms!) I couldn't believe Jeff was still going to make us get on our bikes and go for a ride in the evening. He was laughing out loud at my literal and actual pouting (picture curled out lip and furrowed brow, like a 2 year old). Once we got out there, though, I was having the time of my life! It would have been really easy to slide into a big funk yesterday and not come out of it... which I bet would have happened without that ride. I had an 82 year old woman tell me I was "naive" and "not bright" at work yesterday. You kind of want to laugh those things off, but negative criticism still has a way of slinking in. It was a new one for sure - I've had some things insulted before, but never my intelligence!! It's good, though, to go outside those harder moments and see that people who "tell it like it is" are often just lacking tact, and I am proud of the fact that I would never be purposely negative to someone because I'm always aware of what could hurt people. I'm all for honesty, but also for kindness. So for anyone out there who thinks you're cool and novel for "telling it like it is", do me a favour and consider if you might be hurting someone's feelings along the way!
I am feeling better with a bit of fieldwork behind me and an organized and semi-manageable summer schedule ahead of me, highlighted with three fun upcoming out of town trips with friends.
But.. It's hard not to be consumed by a job in the environmental field during this season. I'm starting to worry I'm running out of myself to give. A lot of my friends and family are going through big stuff right now, and many have been for some time, and I'm trying to be the best support I can be. But I've been told in the past (by a professional! ;)) that I have problems with boundaries! So it's hard to know at what point you have to draw the line of helping your friends and taking care of yourself. The lack of availability in my schedule seems to complicate everything. Other coworkers and I have commiserated that we feel like we let everyone down by a chorus of "no, I can't" "no, I'm busy" "sorry, can't make it" all summer long. It's hard for people to "get" what this life is like.. unless you are one of us, or married to one of us and see the reality of someone being gone 50% of the time (including evenings and weekends) and only maybe 50% present when they are 100% home! It's hard to turn off your brain when you've got hundreds of acres of land to manage, staff and travel to coordinate, and enough problems out on the lands to fill an empty quarry pit. :P Not to say anyone else's job doesn't keep them awake at night, but the stakes are high when it comes to nature, in my heart and mind at least. And I'm just feeling pretty drained!
If I had one blanket piece of advice to give everyone I care about it would be to figure out what makes you happy and then do everything it takes to get there. You deserve the life you're secretly dreaming about. You deserve to be treated like actual gold because I think you're all amazing. The only thing holding you back is, well, you. Sometimes it takes awhile for the stars to align perfectly and all dreams to be realized, but take steps towards your hopes/dreams, respect yourself before anything else along the way, and you will get there. You do deserve complete and utter happiness. Hey.. not bad advice.. I probably should take it too!
To further my summer of a restless soul, I made the mistake of going to Georgian Bay last week to monitor our perfect, perfect property there. Oh my goodness. This freaking archipelago of granite islands couldn't be more beautiful if it tried.
Just look at this place - it doesn't even look real!! And I see these beautiful cottages along the shore - and honestly, all I'd ever want is an all wood rustic cabin with a porch and a view of the sunset :) - and I just want to be there. My longing to win the lottery is strongest while on the bay. So it set me off itch itch itching again. I've never been good with patience! I always hear it's a virtue. Anyone have any tips on attaining it? :) I know someday I will have a cottage of my own...... but can't someday hurry up and get here?!
The worst part of this summer update is that I've started to get down on myself for the one thing I think makes me uniquely ridiculous and was the whole reason I started this blog 2 1/2 years ago: hijinx (rather than soul searching, I actually just wanted to tell funny stories about stupid things that happen in my life - I've tried to stay true to that theme, but it's funny how things evolve!). The sheer number of stupid things I do has always made me laugh and I know made some of you laugh too - and that makes it totally worth it. Life is not supposed to be this heavy (don't worry I realize that!). However, three of the hijinx I've gotten myself into over the past three weeks were seriously or potentially problematic and I started to feel really bummed out! My intern and I joined forces of stupidity for the day by placing our clipboard and GPS unit on top of our van while we chatted with some partners we bumped into on the road side before heading out of Carden for the day. And my $1,000 GPS unit was donated to the landscape forever - along with a bunch of key data that we'd collected on it that week :( The following week, I had to take my own car for fieldwork (way to run out of cars, Enterprise!) and ended up bottoming out and getting stuck on a really rutty gravel road in Severn township - resulting in nearly tearing open my oil pan which could have resulted in total Jetta breakdown. :( And I almost stepped on a Massasauga rattlesnake. While it was incredibly amazing, I could also be incredibly dead.. Though that last one was more luck of the draw than my own fault, I started to get bummed about the sheer number of idiotic happenings in my life and asking deep existential questions like: "what kind of a grown up am I?" "what sort of a boss puts the clipboard on the car and doesn't ask the intern where the GPS is?" "what is going to be the thing that REALLY goes wrong, and hurts or kills me or someone else?". YIKES!! So I'm vowing to be more conscientious with my things when I'm in the field (it gets hectic out there, but I'm going to slow down and be careful that I have everything, and everything is in its rightful place), not to drive my personal car for work unless I can avoid it and, easily enough, will stare directly at the ground while walking anytime I'm in rattlesnake country!
I vowed to have a "catastrophe-free" July. I told both my interns and husband and friends about this plan and was ready to put it into action when we left for fieldwork on July 1. That night, the rental car almost ran out of gas and we had to drive 40km out of our way to get it. Later, while standing at the vending machine I typed in "175" instead of "C4" because the Skor bar cost $1.75 and then, while trying to figure out how to clear the screen, promptly turned my open wallet upside down, spilling change all over the floor of a hotel in Parry Sound which a hotel employee helped me clean up, embarrassed for me. So not off to a super clean start, but I've made it several more days since then with no hijinx to report. Later this month I'll be taking some more major donors out canoeing on a fast-flowing river, so stay tuned to see if I can actually hold true to this plan!
Sigh... sorry this one was a bit of a bummer. My mood does just seem to rise and fall these days - I'm sure this gloomy Tuesday afternoon is not helping much!! I truly am so grateful for the times I've been SO happy lately - the fun I've had with friends (e.g. Ebar tequila/poutine in the street; catching up with old high school buddies), the successes I've had at work, the amazing things I've seen in the field, and most of all the time spent with my awesome hubs. Here's hoping for summer to ride its second half out on a high note, free of major drama but with a couple of laughs in there for good measure! I am looking forward to the fall but I do want to squeeze every available bit of joy out of these long, hot days while they're here. :)
After writing that last blog post (which I forgot to share, so hopefully today is the day you're in the mood for a lot of peering around at the inside of my skull!) I felt distinctly lighter and happier for sure. There was a real paradigm shift of making myself stop wanting more and making myself stop and be grateful for what was already there.
However - there's still a lingering grumpiness that I can't put my finger on. Yesterday I was SO tired after being up half the night comforting thunder-scared Bailey (those were quite the storms!) I couldn't believe Jeff was still going to make us get on our bikes and go for a ride in the evening. He was laughing out loud at my literal and actual pouting (picture curled out lip and furrowed brow, like a 2 year old). Once we got out there, though, I was having the time of my life! It would have been really easy to slide into a big funk yesterday and not come out of it... which I bet would have happened without that ride. I had an 82 year old woman tell me I was "naive" and "not bright" at work yesterday. You kind of want to laugh those things off, but negative criticism still has a way of slinking in. It was a new one for sure - I've had some things insulted before, but never my intelligence!! It's good, though, to go outside those harder moments and see that people who "tell it like it is" are often just lacking tact, and I am proud of the fact that I would never be purposely negative to someone because I'm always aware of what could hurt people. I'm all for honesty, but also for kindness. So for anyone out there who thinks you're cool and novel for "telling it like it is", do me a favour and consider if you might be hurting someone's feelings along the way!
I am feeling better with a bit of fieldwork behind me and an organized and semi-manageable summer schedule ahead of me, highlighted with three fun upcoming out of town trips with friends.
But.. It's hard not to be consumed by a job in the environmental field during this season. I'm starting to worry I'm running out of myself to give. A lot of my friends and family are going through big stuff right now, and many have been for some time, and I'm trying to be the best support I can be. But I've been told in the past (by a professional! ;)) that I have problems with boundaries! So it's hard to know at what point you have to draw the line of helping your friends and taking care of yourself. The lack of availability in my schedule seems to complicate everything. Other coworkers and I have commiserated that we feel like we let everyone down by a chorus of "no, I can't" "no, I'm busy" "sorry, can't make it" all summer long. It's hard for people to "get" what this life is like.. unless you are one of us, or married to one of us and see the reality of someone being gone 50% of the time (including evenings and weekends) and only maybe 50% present when they are 100% home! It's hard to turn off your brain when you've got hundreds of acres of land to manage, staff and travel to coordinate, and enough problems out on the lands to fill an empty quarry pit. :P Not to say anyone else's job doesn't keep them awake at night, but the stakes are high when it comes to nature, in my heart and mind at least. And I'm just feeling pretty drained!
If I had one blanket piece of advice to give everyone I care about it would be to figure out what makes you happy and then do everything it takes to get there. You deserve the life you're secretly dreaming about. You deserve to be treated like actual gold because I think you're all amazing. The only thing holding you back is, well, you. Sometimes it takes awhile for the stars to align perfectly and all dreams to be realized, but take steps towards your hopes/dreams, respect yourself before anything else along the way, and you will get there. You do deserve complete and utter happiness. Hey.. not bad advice.. I probably should take it too!
To further my summer of a restless soul, I made the mistake of going to Georgian Bay last week to monitor our perfect, perfect property there. Oh my goodness. This freaking archipelago of granite islands couldn't be more beautiful if it tried.
 |
| Photo stolen from Georgian Bay Land Trust website, credit Joseph Hartman |
The worst part of this summer update is that I've started to get down on myself for the one thing I think makes me uniquely ridiculous and was the whole reason I started this blog 2 1/2 years ago: hijinx (rather than soul searching, I actually just wanted to tell funny stories about stupid things that happen in my life - I've tried to stay true to that theme, but it's funny how things evolve!). The sheer number of stupid things I do has always made me laugh and I know made some of you laugh too - and that makes it totally worth it. Life is not supposed to be this heavy (don't worry I realize that!). However, three of the hijinx I've gotten myself into over the past three weeks were seriously or potentially problematic and I started to feel really bummed out! My intern and I joined forces of stupidity for the day by placing our clipboard and GPS unit on top of our van while we chatted with some partners we bumped into on the road side before heading out of Carden for the day. And my $1,000 GPS unit was donated to the landscape forever - along with a bunch of key data that we'd collected on it that week :( The following week, I had to take my own car for fieldwork (way to run out of cars, Enterprise!) and ended up bottoming out and getting stuck on a really rutty gravel road in Severn township - resulting in nearly tearing open my oil pan which could have resulted in total Jetta breakdown. :( And I almost stepped on a Massasauga rattlesnake. While it was incredibly amazing, I could also be incredibly dead.. Though that last one was more luck of the draw than my own fault, I started to get bummed about the sheer number of idiotic happenings in my life and asking deep existential questions like: "what kind of a grown up am I?" "what sort of a boss puts the clipboard on the car and doesn't ask the intern where the GPS is?" "what is going to be the thing that REALLY goes wrong, and hurts or kills me or someone else?". YIKES!! So I'm vowing to be more conscientious with my things when I'm in the field (it gets hectic out there, but I'm going to slow down and be careful that I have everything, and everything is in its rightful place), not to drive my personal car for work unless I can avoid it and, easily enough, will stare directly at the ground while walking anytime I'm in rattlesnake country!
I vowed to have a "catastrophe-free" July. I told both my interns and husband and friends about this plan and was ready to put it into action when we left for fieldwork on July 1. That night, the rental car almost ran out of gas and we had to drive 40km out of our way to get it. Later, while standing at the vending machine I typed in "175" instead of "C4" because the Skor bar cost $1.75 and then, while trying to figure out how to clear the screen, promptly turned my open wallet upside down, spilling change all over the floor of a hotel in Parry Sound which a hotel employee helped me clean up, embarrassed for me. So not off to a super clean start, but I've made it several more days since then with no hijinx to report. Later this month I'll be taking some more major donors out canoeing on a fast-flowing river, so stay tuned to see if I can actually hold true to this plan!
Sigh... sorry this one was a bit of a bummer. My mood does just seem to rise and fall these days - I'm sure this gloomy Tuesday afternoon is not helping much!! I truly am so grateful for the times I've been SO happy lately - the fun I've had with friends (e.g. Ebar tequila/poutine in the street; catching up with old high school buddies), the successes I've had at work, the amazing things I've seen in the field, and most of all the time spent with my awesome hubs. Here's hoping for summer to ride its second half out on a high note, free of major drama but with a couple of laughs in there for good measure! I am looking forward to the fall but I do want to squeeze every available bit of joy out of these long, hot days while they're here. :)
Saturday, 21 June 2014
Green Grass
Restless. I am literally restless, yes -I'm averaging 5-6 hours of sleep per night this week (terrifying for all who surround me) and it's 11:30 p.m. and I'm way too riled up in my head to go to bed, even though I am completely exhausted.
But it's actually my restless spirit that is wigging me out these days! You'd think after travelling all over the province for work for most of each week when I'm at home I'd just put my feet up with a big smile on my face and relax and enjoy my creature comforts. But everytime I get here, I either go manic on chores and cleaning or try to sit for a few minutes and just start poking around on the internet, looking at house prices in other cities, cottages, and plotting out strategies for me and Jeff's "next big adventure".
The problem is, most of the things I want involve a LOT of money. Too bad cottages on Georgian Bay aren't $100,000 - I could scratch this restless itch in a second! Too bad a fun zippy sports car is still Jeff's VW Rabbit car payments plus another five figures away. Too bad travelling the world costs a bucketload of money - Italy freaking robbed us blind!! (no regrets though). Too bad Jeff working in a smaller/less manufacturing-oriented city would likely cause a major hit to our household budget.
And the problem with a LOT of money is I actually LOVE my job at a charity. Recently a coworker asked if I was thinking of applying for a new position that will be coming up within our region and I said "no way - I'm super happy with my position". And how lucky is that - I love buying land, fundraising, project management, partnership building and most of all (even bugbitten, sunburned and with rubber-boot rubby'd feet from a long week in the field) STEWARDSHIP and taking care of the fabulous nature we conserve. I also love my staff, my coworkers, my boss, our VP and our whole freaking organization across the country. The problem? Charities don't pay. We can't - ethically - would you donate to a group that rained money on their staff?? I wouldn't. So that's fine. Reality. I'm honestly ok with it. BUT... limiting... yes.
Jeff and I have tossed around a bunch of ideas lately: we could live in Toronto! (Dawn, calm down, we cannot afford the TO lifestyle, it's a no!) we could get a cottage! we could buy a rental/investment property! we could plan our next trip! I could take a sabbatical! we could move closer to where I do my fieldwork!
But we don't do any of those things. And I just wonder, and dream, and theorize, and itch.. itch... itch. You can't help asking: what's wrong in my life that I don't feel 100% content?
I came across an interesting article tonight about the grass always being greener. It definitely snapped things into perspective. (sidenote: I probably shouldn't be philosophizing after a week of manual physical labour and tens of kilometers of hiking each day - I am EXHAUSTED and not sure if you knew this about me.. I get a little grumpy when I'm tired ;)). Even through my grumpy haze it prompted me to start thinking about the things I have that I should be appreciative for. I wanted to write them down, and thought that while I was writing I should throw SOMETHING up on my blog since it's been ~100 years since I've shared anything. I'm sure Nic and Karla are wondering if I'm still alive :)
So here's my unedited off-the-top-of-my-head (hey that's my blog's name) list of things that are great, and why my grass is actually pretty green:
#1 (it's 1' it's so #1): Jeff. I have the best husband in the world. A truly good, kind man who would never hurt me and I would never hurt. My partner and teammate in life. Who I'm still mushily in love with after almost 7 years together. That makes me very lucky!!!
The rest are in no particular order!
My Job. See above for why medium pay and insane travel and hours and expectations is still the most exciting thing to me after 7 years. I've been in my current role for 2 years and am still learning the ropes and finding it very exciting and challenging, though it does get easier every day, so perhaps that explains some of the tingly itchy feelings I have.
My Friends. I'm a lucky girl to have friends I've had since I was 3, 6, 13, 14, 19, 22, 25 and beyond. My best friend is my sister, my Scarborough girls my extended fam and the rest of the various wonderful friends in my life make every day richer, more hilarious and make me feel loved and supported. Friendships can be ephemeral; bumpy; rocky; evolving; they can sunset; expire; fade out and they can also be the cornerstone of your day, and your life. I actually really like the ever-changing nature of friendships and appreciate ALL my friends! Even my fb friends who might be reading this that I haven't had a direct conversation with in a long time - it's nice to be exposed to what's up in the lives of so many people who have come and gone through my life over the years.
My Family. I'm super close to my awesome parents, I have great in-laws (including a brand new nephew Bryson as of last week!), some fun extended family (though some crazy), and the best step-grandmother ever. I also have the goofiest, hairiest, sweetest dog possibly in the entire world. I'm happily childfree and have no desire to scratch this itch with that sort of experiment! Bailey is child enough with all his "needing to be fed and cared for in exchange for unconditional love" and I can leave him in the side entrance when we go out for dinner - best of both worlds! ;)
Our Home. We built this house here in Guelph (a city I mourned losing when I moved away to Waterloo for a mere 8 months in 2005 and vowed never to leave again!) knowing Guelph was #1 by a longshot of places we'd want to live in ON. We're green and have good environmental practices, we have hippies and fabulous hippie related items like markets, festivals and responsible local food, we're 1 hour from TO, and my home backs on to trees which host adorable birds which come to my feeder.
My Health. Imagine I wasn't well, how ridiculous all this navel-gazing and wondering and seeking would sound? If I wasn't healthy, I imagine that all I'd ever want is to live a life in a home I love, with someone I love, working at a job I love that I can ride my bike to, where I can walk my stinky dog on the conservation trails, go out for dinner with my friends and tip back a beer after a long day of fieldwork. I am so grateful to be healthy, but I hardly EVER think about that, but wow. Honestly. Recently a wonderful person was lost from many of our lives due to health issues and it was so incredibly tragic, making everyone realize life and health really is a gift.
.....so wtf is the problem over here?
I think I just answered my own question that there is no problem. I don't think keeping up with any Joneses (must stop hanging out with Georgian Bay cottagers through work!!!) and flinging myself into further debt to buy a life and home I can't really afford (unless I want to go back to the borderline poverty years of house poor early home ownership... I DON'T) would actually satisfy me. I'm not actually ready to leave Guelph, and not out of fear, but because I adore it. It's been my home since I was 18 and it was the first place I CHOSE to live in my whole life, and it wasn't something that just happened arbitrarily. And I still choose it.
I think the answer lies in rededicating myself to achieving some personal goals (gotta review those new years resolutions again!), planning our next exciting vacation, working on my much lamented novel which I'm tentative and terrified and excited and terrified about (I hate the thought of failing at things - so I do nothing. A sure recipe for success - no? TERRIFIED) and just learning to live in the moment a bit more. Not rushing through my dog walk, but stopping to smell the flowers (literally - peony season!), watch the birdies; not wasting away nights blabbing on the phone, or sitting on the couch in front of the tv but indulging in an ultimately more satisfying pursuit like writing or cycling; not letting date night turn into "hello.fast food.movie.bed" but instead planning something different, new and fabulous.
Final reflections (I'm feeling about 1000x better than I did half an hour ago when I started writing, thank you catharsis!!):
My grass is glowing emerald. I am lucky to live the life that I do. I just need to start rolling around in that green, lush grass it to feel, see, touch and appreciate the greenness - and maybe add a few more gardens and scatter some seed for good measure. :)
But it's actually my restless spirit that is wigging me out these days! You'd think after travelling all over the province for work for most of each week when I'm at home I'd just put my feet up with a big smile on my face and relax and enjoy my creature comforts. But everytime I get here, I either go manic on chores and cleaning or try to sit for a few minutes and just start poking around on the internet, looking at house prices in other cities, cottages, and plotting out strategies for me and Jeff's "next big adventure".
The problem is, most of the things I want involve a LOT of money. Too bad cottages on Georgian Bay aren't $100,000 - I could scratch this restless itch in a second! Too bad a fun zippy sports car is still Jeff's VW Rabbit car payments plus another five figures away. Too bad travelling the world costs a bucketload of money - Italy freaking robbed us blind!! (no regrets though). Too bad Jeff working in a smaller/less manufacturing-oriented city would likely cause a major hit to our household budget.
And the problem with a LOT of money is I actually LOVE my job at a charity. Recently a coworker asked if I was thinking of applying for a new position that will be coming up within our region and I said "no way - I'm super happy with my position". And how lucky is that - I love buying land, fundraising, project management, partnership building and most of all (even bugbitten, sunburned and with rubber-boot rubby'd feet from a long week in the field) STEWARDSHIP and taking care of the fabulous nature we conserve. I also love my staff, my coworkers, my boss, our VP and our whole freaking organization across the country. The problem? Charities don't pay. We can't - ethically - would you donate to a group that rained money on their staff?? I wouldn't. So that's fine. Reality. I'm honestly ok with it. BUT... limiting... yes.
Jeff and I have tossed around a bunch of ideas lately: we could live in Toronto! (Dawn, calm down, we cannot afford the TO lifestyle, it's a no!) we could get a cottage! we could buy a rental/investment property! we could plan our next trip! I could take a sabbatical! we could move closer to where I do my fieldwork!
But we don't do any of those things. And I just wonder, and dream, and theorize, and itch.. itch... itch. You can't help asking: what's wrong in my life that I don't feel 100% content?
I came across an interesting article tonight about the grass always being greener. It definitely snapped things into perspective. (sidenote: I probably shouldn't be philosophizing after a week of manual physical labour and tens of kilometers of hiking each day - I am EXHAUSTED and not sure if you knew this about me.. I get a little grumpy when I'm tired ;)). Even through my grumpy haze it prompted me to start thinking about the things I have that I should be appreciative for. I wanted to write them down, and thought that while I was writing I should throw SOMETHING up on my blog since it's been ~100 years since I've shared anything. I'm sure Nic and Karla are wondering if I'm still alive :)
So here's my unedited off-the-top-of-my-head (hey that's my blog's name) list of things that are great, and why my grass is actually pretty green:
#1 (it's 1' it's so #1): Jeff. I have the best husband in the world. A truly good, kind man who would never hurt me and I would never hurt. My partner and teammate in life. Who I'm still mushily in love with after almost 7 years together. That makes me very lucky!!!
The rest are in no particular order!
My Job. See above for why medium pay and insane travel and hours and expectations is still the most exciting thing to me after 7 years. I've been in my current role for 2 years and am still learning the ropes and finding it very exciting and challenging, though it does get easier every day, so perhaps that explains some of the tingly itchy feelings I have.
My Friends. I'm a lucky girl to have friends I've had since I was 3, 6, 13, 14, 19, 22, 25 and beyond. My best friend is my sister, my Scarborough girls my extended fam and the rest of the various wonderful friends in my life make every day richer, more hilarious and make me feel loved and supported. Friendships can be ephemeral; bumpy; rocky; evolving; they can sunset; expire; fade out and they can also be the cornerstone of your day, and your life. I actually really like the ever-changing nature of friendships and appreciate ALL my friends! Even my fb friends who might be reading this that I haven't had a direct conversation with in a long time - it's nice to be exposed to what's up in the lives of so many people who have come and gone through my life over the years.
My Family. I'm super close to my awesome parents, I have great in-laws (including a brand new nephew Bryson as of last week!), some fun extended family (though some crazy), and the best step-grandmother ever. I also have the goofiest, hairiest, sweetest dog possibly in the entire world. I'm happily childfree and have no desire to scratch this itch with that sort of experiment! Bailey is child enough with all his "needing to be fed and cared for in exchange for unconditional love" and I can leave him in the side entrance when we go out for dinner - best of both worlds! ;)
Our Home. We built this house here in Guelph (a city I mourned losing when I moved away to Waterloo for a mere 8 months in 2005 and vowed never to leave again!) knowing Guelph was #1 by a longshot of places we'd want to live in ON. We're green and have good environmental practices, we have hippies and fabulous hippie related items like markets, festivals and responsible local food, we're 1 hour from TO, and my home backs on to trees which host adorable birds which come to my feeder.
My Health. Imagine I wasn't well, how ridiculous all this navel-gazing and wondering and seeking would sound? If I wasn't healthy, I imagine that all I'd ever want is to live a life in a home I love, with someone I love, working at a job I love that I can ride my bike to, where I can walk my stinky dog on the conservation trails, go out for dinner with my friends and tip back a beer after a long day of fieldwork. I am so grateful to be healthy, but I hardly EVER think about that, but wow. Honestly. Recently a wonderful person was lost from many of our lives due to health issues and it was so incredibly tragic, making everyone realize life and health really is a gift.
.....so wtf is the problem over here?
I think I just answered my own question that there is no problem. I don't think keeping up with any Joneses (must stop hanging out with Georgian Bay cottagers through work!!!) and flinging myself into further debt to buy a life and home I can't really afford (unless I want to go back to the borderline poverty years of house poor early home ownership... I DON'T) would actually satisfy me. I'm not actually ready to leave Guelph, and not out of fear, but because I adore it. It's been my home since I was 18 and it was the first place I CHOSE to live in my whole life, and it wasn't something that just happened arbitrarily. And I still choose it.
I think the answer lies in rededicating myself to achieving some personal goals (gotta review those new years resolutions again!), planning our next exciting vacation, working on my much lamented novel which I'm tentative and terrified and excited and terrified about (I hate the thought of failing at things - so I do nothing. A sure recipe for success - no? TERRIFIED) and just learning to live in the moment a bit more. Not rushing through my dog walk, but stopping to smell the flowers (literally - peony season!), watch the birdies; not wasting away nights blabbing on the phone, or sitting on the couch in front of the tv but indulging in an ultimately more satisfying pursuit like writing or cycling; not letting date night turn into "hello.fast food.movie.bed" but instead planning something different, new and fabulous.
Final reflections (I'm feeling about 1000x better than I did half an hour ago when I started writing, thank you catharsis!!):
My grass is glowing emerald. I am lucky to live the life that I do. I just need to start rolling around in that green, lush grass it to feel, see, touch and appreciate the greenness - and maybe add a few more gardens and scatter some seed for good measure. :)
Sunday, 20 April 2014
Mouse House
When this glorious weekend started, with its extra day off work (I actually get Easter Monday off but am being forced to work.. ugh! still.. Friday off.. glorious) and sunny warm forecast, I didn't think the word I would utter the most as these three days went on would be "mouse".
It started with my attempt to fill the bird feeders. We put the seed in an allegedly rodent-proof container in the shed for the winter. That was our first mistake - storing birdseed essentially outdoors. There was a funky stink to the shed when I went to fetch the birdseed at some point last winter, and I noticed the bag had been ripped into, so I quickly moved it all indoors, deciding to defer the obvious rodent issue to spring (and, really, to Jeff). Well, spring is here! Time to move things from inside the shed outdoors, including my resin box for birdseed - I will just simply toss the used sunflower seed/mouse poop into a yard waste bag and start fresh - AUGGGGGHHHH!!!! There was a dishcloth in the bottom of the box that had been chewed through by a mouse obviously looking to make a cozy nest with its fibres and when I picked it up it was distinctly heavy.. because a mouse was LODGED in one of these chewed holes! He'd somehow gotten himself stuck wriggling around in the dishcloth and that was where his life had tragically ended. I snapped the lid shut, declared, to no one, "I'm OUT!" and backed out of the shed, locking it tightly. Attempt #2 to rescue the box had brave Jeff discovering my strangulated mouse and also his fat friend, passed away in the bottom of the box, well fed but passed on. We were surprised at their stupidity for how smart they clearly were to have been able to get into a mouseproof box in the first place - they had forgotten how they'd gotten in (tiniest hole for lid hinge at the back), and tried to chew their way out through the bottom of the box - which has double layers of resin for that reason.. until their sad, deyhydrated end. And into the yard waste bag with two dead mice.
My glam weekend continued with the picking up of a winter's worth of dog poop. Usually there's a rainy stretch of Jan or Feb where you lose the snow and can access your backyard to tackle at least half of this disgusting job - this year.. nope! A whole winter of poop in one afternoon! (are you still reading this disgusting blog entry? ... may I ask why?!?!) I actually did pretty well with this nasty job (things were fairly well desiccated!) until the point where I leant down to pick up one last pile of poop only to discover it was a dead mouse. Again... I'M OUT! I have handled a dead mouse once in my life (http://www.sincerelygoofy.blogspot.ca/2012/01/my-week-with-ziggy.html) and would prefer to pass on that again if I don't have to (poor Jeff).
Jeff and I were walking Bailey the other morning and found him acting super strangely during his usual prance around Morning Crest park at the end of our street - he was distinctly rolling his neck in something, which he has NEVER done before but I remember all too well from Rusty's antics on the shores of Lake Ontario when I was a teenager (ewww dead fish)! I wondered what Bailey might have gotten his nose on. Suddenly he leaped up, ripped a huge chunk of dead grass up from the ground and starting dashing through the park with it, footloose, fancy free. He dropped it, rolled in it some more and looked at us in delight. Jeff and I were confused until the lady we had met in the park explained "oh, he's got a mouse house" - a mouse house.. ew.. - so I told Jeff to get the clump of grass some mouse had previously been using as a home away from Bailey so he'd go back to fetching sticks like a less gross dog.. and when (poor) Jeff picked up the grass to chuck it away he found a dead mouse inside of it. COME ON!!!!
The last in my tale of woe is that our shed was actually being used as a mouse mansion this winter. I can just imagine the mice bragging to their friends about it - "you should check out this place, it's huge!" "there's unlimited amounts of seed, man!!!" "I have the BIGGEST, COZIEST BED!". Because some mouse or mice had decided to nest inside our lovely new patio furniture cushions, tearing out all the stuffing and cuddling themselves into a nice snuggly bed for the winter. We just bought our patio set last spring and are so in love with it - we were so bummed to find the amount of destruction a few tiny teeth could cause. As he pulled the last pillow down Jeff shouted "there he is!" and whipped a pillow at the shed wall, startling out a very fat, well-rested, happy looking mouse who disappeared into the depths of his mansion. Jeff duct taped up the two pillows that had fallen victim to the mouse sleepover but the funky stink of something that had been used as a mouse home, coupled with the white trash vibe of a duct taped patio furniture pillow wasn't jiving. Guests to our deck and firepit this summer - we are on the hunt for new cushions, I swear!!!
It's quite lovely living country-adjacent.. but your belongings becoming belongings of sneaky little furry critters is simply uncool. The mouse squatting party ends here. I've decided to let them vacate on their own accord (i.e. remove all food and fluffy things and hope for the best) rather than forcing them out - I am after all an animal liker at the end of the day (I was going to say "lover" but I don't LOVE mice, or stinging insects, or birdseed stealing squirrels and raccoons.. so let's go with liker).
The Mouse House is officially closed!!!!
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| Spring rocks! |
My glam weekend continued with the picking up of a winter's worth of dog poop. Usually there's a rainy stretch of Jan or Feb where you lose the snow and can access your backyard to tackle at least half of this disgusting job - this year.. nope! A whole winter of poop in one afternoon! (are you still reading this disgusting blog entry? ... may I ask why?!?!) I actually did pretty well with this nasty job (things were fairly well desiccated!) until the point where I leant down to pick up one last pile of poop only to discover it was a dead mouse. Again... I'M OUT! I have handled a dead mouse once in my life (http://www.sincerelygoofy.blogspot.ca/2012/01/my-week-with-ziggy.html) and would prefer to pass on that again if I don't have to (poor Jeff).
Jeff and I were walking Bailey the other morning and found him acting super strangely during his usual prance around Morning Crest park at the end of our street - he was distinctly rolling his neck in something, which he has NEVER done before but I remember all too well from Rusty's antics on the shores of Lake Ontario when I was a teenager (ewww dead fish)! I wondered what Bailey might have gotten his nose on. Suddenly he leaped up, ripped a huge chunk of dead grass up from the ground and starting dashing through the park with it, footloose, fancy free. He dropped it, rolled in it some more and looked at us in delight. Jeff and I were confused until the lady we had met in the park explained "oh, he's got a mouse house" - a mouse house.. ew.. - so I told Jeff to get the clump of grass some mouse had previously been using as a home away from Bailey so he'd go back to fetching sticks like a less gross dog.. and when (poor) Jeff picked up the grass to chuck it away he found a dead mouse inside of it. COME ON!!!!
The last in my tale of woe is that our shed was actually being used as a mouse mansion this winter. I can just imagine the mice bragging to their friends about it - "you should check out this place, it's huge!" "there's unlimited amounts of seed, man!!!" "I have the BIGGEST, COZIEST BED!". Because some mouse or mice had decided to nest inside our lovely new patio furniture cushions, tearing out all the stuffing and cuddling themselves into a nice snuggly bed for the winter. We just bought our patio set last spring and are so in love with it - we were so bummed to find the amount of destruction a few tiny teeth could cause. As he pulled the last pillow down Jeff shouted "there he is!" and whipped a pillow at the shed wall, startling out a very fat, well-rested, happy looking mouse who disappeared into the depths of his mansion. Jeff duct taped up the two pillows that had fallen victim to the mouse sleepover but the funky stink of something that had been used as a mouse home, coupled with the white trash vibe of a duct taped patio furniture pillow wasn't jiving. Guests to our deck and firepit this summer - we are on the hunt for new cushions, I swear!!!
It's quite lovely living country-adjacent.. but your belongings becoming belongings of sneaky little furry critters is simply uncool. The mouse squatting party ends here. I've decided to let them vacate on their own accord (i.e. remove all food and fluffy things and hope for the best) rather than forcing them out - I am after all an animal liker at the end of the day (I was going to say "lover" but I don't LOVE mice, or stinging insects, or birdseed stealing squirrels and raccoons.. so let's go with liker).
The Mouse House is officially closed!!!!
| Closed for business |
Monday, 14 April 2014
Florida Fun!
What a fab week in Florida! It's nice to be home, in that homebody way of filling the fridge with groceries, snuggling up against your favourite pillow and not living out of a suitcase - BUT.. what a great week it was. The weather was lovely - so hot and humid that first night we got there I wondered if I might melt into a Kristyn puddle after the coldest winter in the history of eternity. But I adapted in no time.. putting on sandals was the dream, realized.
My friend Catherine's house in Tampa is essentially a palace - the screened in pool/hot tub area where I ate breakfast and drank tea each morning was delightful and we had our own WING in the house!! It was so nice catching up with an old friend (the saying is true - the old ones are gold :)) and getting to know her lovely hubs a bit better too. We had a blast at the Tampa Bay Lightning/Toronto Maple Leafs game on the Tuesday night of our visit, though I was confused about an arena that offers no concessions stand selling candy (Patrick and I walked essentially around the ENTIRE place before finding my beloved cotton candy), but has a BBQ concession in every section, offering a selection of BBQ meats featuring turkey legs. Patrick summarized: "welcome to Florida". It was weird enough being at a game in sandals and a tank top, so I decided to skip the leg.
The shopping in the states is so good that even though the dollar is currently garbage we bought so much stuff we could hardly back it back in our suitcases. The prices at their Premium Outlets are simply insane. I bought several pairs of high heels, convinced that because the shoes are so pretty I'll become someone who doesn't default to Birkenstocks at every turn... we'll see ;)
I caught a cold on Thursday which was a bummer, and as my face exploded all the way down to the Everglades on Friday I just kept determinedly blowing my nose, wiping my eyes and stating: "I want to see pink birds!".
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| Roseate Spoonbill |
When I finally did see this amazing pink bird Jeff took a picture of me jumping up and down celebrating, but my puffy face was actually too scary to post to facebook/this blog - and anyone who knows me knows I'm not vain so it had to be pretty bad ;) It's funny what you can power through when you're sick. When there were waterbirds, mangroves and alligators at stake, I was game! But I still am fighting the same cold and have to go wandering around a residually snowy forest and skating around on an icy pond for fieldwork on Wednesday and I'm contemplating if I can "call in sick"! Oh Ontario April.. you have nothing on Florida in terms of biodiversity! Also, it seems cruel to be working in snow when I'm covered in itchy mosquito bites. ALSO, I'd just like to note that calling in sick is not an option when you are the only staff person in your subregion - you will only end up screwing yourself! Stupid responsibility!!!
So: you might think our Leafs adventure turned into a misadventure after the Leafs clinched themselves OUT of a playoff spot in Tampa on Thursday night. But no - Jeff and I were mostly resigned to our fate after the Saturday game the night before we left and were understandably sad then. By Tuesday, we were just happy to cheer for our guys - sit in great seats (equivalent to reds at the ACC for a fraction of the cost) and by Thursday we were so excited to see them even closer (equivalent to golds/platinums at the ACC!) that we just made the most of it. It was great being right up next to the glass for warm-up and having a chance to show James Reimer, via some enthusiastic thumbs up, that Jeff and I think he's a fantastic goaltender even if Randy Carlyle may not agree.
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| Our boy, Reimer, who we've cheered for since he was a mere Marlie! |
Our favourite part of Thursday's game was the loser sitting in front of us who saw a deflected puck flying towards us... in the END ZONE, where you sit behind a ton of netting.... who covered his head with his hands and ducked. We couldn't stop imitating him for the rest of the night when he wasn't looking, or randomly throughout the rest of the trip!
The hijincks were at an alltime low, so I don't really have any hilarious/ridiculous stories to share (that are blog appropriate anyways... let's just say Florida plumbing leaves something to be desired) - it was basically just an easy breezy trip filled with good friends, good food, booze, shopping, beaching, nature, nature, nature, more nature and HOCKEY. I wish every week could be like last week. What's a girl gotta do to win the lottery!!! Also, what's a girl gotta do to get over a cold? Enough already!!!
Thanks to our great hosts Cath and Pat - I enjoyed Pat's commentary on his countrymen ("river folk" from his hometown on the Mississippi, and "swamp hillbillies" from Florida) and his random accents and just enjoyed catching up with Catherine and getting to enjoy the spoils of her gorgeous new home. Jeff paid our guest dues by putting together chairs, fixing major appliances and installing lighting fixtures but it still didn't feel like quite enough in exchange for 800 thread count sheets (which are now making my 500's feel scratchy.. dammit Kitz! FIRST WORLD PROBS!) and breakfast overlooking that beautiful back view every morning!! :)
My favourite quote of the week was Catherine's musing that you can make hell out of heaven, or heaven out of hell - sort of the idea that it's up to you how you react to any situation. For some reason I always have one small meltdown on a vacation but I used that mantra when my stupid inflamed achilles tendon started aching over a mile away from our car - I thought.. I'm in the Everglades... don't cry.. don't freak out.. don't make hell out of heaven. And it passed. It's a nice thought for everyone to reflect on - are you appreciating the "heaven" you have in your own life or turning it into hell by focusing on/creating negatives? And are you able to overcome adversity by finding the humour in it, looking for silver linings and reflecting on the big picture? It's in the string of philosophies I enjoy that centre around what's essentially at the heart of YOLO (though I try not to use yolo too much day to day lol). Food for thought, as usual.
Ohhhhhh Canada... my home and snowy land.....
Night :)
Ohhhhhh Canada... my home and snowy land.....
Night :)
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