b) Pull the Intestines out of the Casualty

How's THAT for a title?!

Just had to share a few of my favourite highlights from my First Aid training renewal course today.  It's a requirement at my job which involves a lot of outdoor fieldwork as well as working with volunteers - luckily to date have only had to use my skills once: dressing an arm wound on a woman who cut herself with loppers.  I am, frankly, terrified of actually having to use it FOR REAL sometime! Anyway - what an enthralling Tuesday it was. Here's the highlight reel:

- taking the end of the day quiz I'm presented with a multiple choice question: "A casualty has an open abdominal wound and the intestines are exposed.  You should: a) force the intestines back into the casualty b) pull the intestines out of the casualty c) cover the dressings with a dry cloth d) cover the dressings with a moist cloth."  Needless to say the answer is d.  Needless to say I BURST out laughing when I read the first two and pictured the absurdity of both facing a situation in which intestines were exposed, AND the craziness of the idea of either shoving them back in ("there!  all back together!") or yanking them out ("there!  problem gone!").  WHO WOULD DO EITHER!?!

- the thumb amputation video in which a guy is operating a chop saw and you see his finger getting CLOSER.. and CLOSER... and CLLLOOOSSSERRRR to the blade, until he CHOPS his thumb off!! (fabulous acting/angles to simulate lack of thumb i.e. thumb tucked against palm :P).  If anyone knew me in 2008 when Jeff "attempted to cut off his hand" (as I describe it.. he doesn't like that) with his chop saw, you can imagine how much I was squirming during this one!  The detailed removal of the thumb from the bloody glove, placing on ice and labelling the baggie filled with ice "John Doe, thumb, 4:30 p.m." at least distracted me from wondering how Jeff might hurt himself in the future ;)  GROSS!

- the terrifying mannequins for CPR that were strewn across the room - their blank eyes and blow up doll mouths staring at me all day long.  I really enjoyed the blowing of breaths into their plastic-lined mouths while they stare up at me with their dead eyes.  I wanted to take a picture of the floor so many times - it looked like robot carnage.

- the even scarier mannequins for infant CPR practice that revealed themselves as standing in two terrifying single file lines inside a giant cooler bag type contraption.  You never want to see a cooler bag unzipped to realize it's filled with ten tall, gray, dead-eyed fake babies.

- a weird skew in the quiz answers so that it seemed like every other question had a reference to "back blows" (a fun term for whaling on someone with the heel of your hand between their shoulder blades when they're choking).  I like the incongruity of where some of these references appeared: "you find a casualty with symptoms of a stroke - you should: a) give 5 back blows" or "a casualty tells you that they are diabetic and haven't eaten in 5 hours - you should: a) give 5 back blows".  I couldn't help giggling at the idea of finding a poor diabetic or stroke victim and just suddenly whipping them over your knee and beating them on the back.  Ouch!

- getting to "act out" scenarios with a partner who is a stranger, within 10 minutes of arriving in class.  Always fun.  I love having my ass and sides patted down by someone I don't know, as much as I love them tenderly wiping my hair off my neck to tie a knot in my arm sling, as much as I love putting my hand on their stomach (while sitting across from them, staring at them... holy awkward) to assess number of breaths per minute.  I didn't even know this girl's name and we were freaking all over each other all day long in a variety of positions that resembled massage, hugging and kissing.

- when I was told to act out a scenario of being unconscious with a suspected spine injury, and then randomly barfing all over my 2 rescuers.. ok.. that one was kind of fun ;)  I also liked the one where I had low blood sugar and got to be really belligerent and yelly - very fitting at 3:30 p.m. after a day of tying bandages, touching strangers and trying to stay awake for 8 hours of first aid chat in a room with no windows

- have to just give a special shout out to the St. John's Ambulance volunteers acting in those video segments - obviously not hired/trained actors just doing their best... which at times made the entire class laugh out loud.  The effects were killer too - like when the lady fell down the stairs and smashed her head on a railing, and a delayed two seconds later the sound effect of a puck off a goal post played - beautifully mastered.  Again we all burst out laughing - which got me to thinking about the innate sympathy (or lack thereof?!) of human beings.  What is it about people getting hurt that makes us laugh?!  I'm prepared to recognize we're all a little bit evil. ;)

In conclusion, I passed my quiz, I'm recertified for another three years and will continue to hope I never have to use ANY of those skills in the field for real!

I'll end with the words I said today more times than I can count (my anthem):
"MY NAME IS KRISTYN! I KNOW FIRST AID! CAN I HELP YOU!?!?"