I've had a couple of weeks relatively free of my usual hijinx. I'd say it's been nice and relaxing, but work has been mega stressful and it really helps to be able to laugh at myself to take the edge off! I DID trip up the stairs at work today while balancing an untrustworthy tupperware full of yogurt (with a smaller tupperware full of granola perched precariously atop it) in one hand, while the other hand was in my purse. Somehow managed to avoid smashing my face into the steps which was a blessing. However, being as mega stressed as I was today, my reaction was closer to crying than laughing. Le sigh! So when you can't laugh at yourself to blow off steam, what's the next best thing?
EXERCISE!!
I had a wonderful 1 hour workout tonight (20 mins sprints on the treadmill, 30 mins weights, 10 mins stretching - learning to love stretching slowly but surely). It definitely helped put life in perspective and take my mind off things. And that brings me (eventually) to my point.. I was being Kristyn1 tonight. And man did I love it.
Kristyn1 is one active lady. Sometimes working out up to 5-6 times a week, doing a variety of things from marathon cardio sessions to intense interval work (elliptical, bike, treadmill - she's not picky!), as well as tons of strength training (Kristyn1 does her research and knows that muscle burns more calories just sitting there than flabby fat ever will!) - she likes bodyweight strength exercises (squats, lunges, push-ups) and is a fan of free weights (though only owns up to 20 lbs - which Jeff often does fake bicep curls with, faking intense effort.. what a meanie! :)). She makes a point to walk up and down the halls at work throughout the day and walk to the mailbox instead of stopping her car in front of it (yup, I def do that). She signs up for 5ks and actually trains for them. More than just exercise, Kristyn1 is a super cook! Trying all sorts of new, interesting recipes, and falling in love with a different new ingredient a week. On any given day her nightstand is littered with healthy recipes ripped out of the 2-3 health/well-being mags she reads per month. She precuts veggies and fruit and places them at eye level on the fridge so they're handy and accessible. She barely spends a cent as the week goes by because she makes every meal at home. She researches calorie info at restaurants before going to them so she knows what to order (and what NOT to order!). Kristyn1 sounds like the kind of girl I want to be!! Too bad she only ever shows up for 2 weeks, 1 month, maybe 2 months at a time. Inevitably she is always intermittently, reliably, unexpectedly, ruefully replaced with Kristyn2.
Ahh Kristyn2. She's all sorts of wrong, but I sure do love being her. She's been known to spend entire nights on the couch after a tough day at work. Seriously like 5:00 p.m. - 10:00 p.m., maybe getting up for a shower and to grab a snack. The couch is COM-FY. She LOVES fast food, including McDonalds. Ice cream and desserts are her weakness. Don't LET Kristyn2 near the chocolate!! She will order a medium pizza and eat half for dinner and half for lunch the next day. She snacks mostly on processed foods - nothing too terrible (she doesn't keep it in the house - Kristyn1 doesn't let her), but granola bars are a main "grab and go" staple for her. Admittedly, days will go by without her eating a vegetable... oopsies. She takes a multivitamin to counteract these low times.. but knows how many phytochemicals she's missing out on, and feels badly about it.. but ignores the little voice in her head (I think the voice is Kristyn1). The voice is active during dinners out, weekly dates with friends where bad food is often available, when her husband suggests a "Friday night special" (don't be misled.. this is poutine). She is very good at ignoring the voice, yelling "free day!" and eating like it's a sport. Her wardrobe staple is yoga pants. Funny - when I started writing this I was thinking about how much I love (and currently miss Kristyn2) and her lazy ways, but seeing it all written down I kind of see how she's a seriously WORSE version of myself. But she does have a lot of fun, especially with bad influence friends..... :D
Since I was 15 years old I have fluctuated between these two Kristyns and haven't really been super at finding a balance. At 15, at the end of summer before grade 10 it was pointed out to me that I was at the "heavy end of normal". Ouch - that stung! I actually blushed while writing that - not a very nice thing to say to someone, and probably the root of my back and forth weight and alternating personas throughout history since!! I lost about 7 lbs in 2 weeks when I added exercise to my life and experimented with monitoring my calories. Haha - what I wouldn't do to get that teenage metabolism back! My high school girls and I (who we later found out had been dubbed "the blonde bitches"?! wtf lol. we were pretty nice!!!) ended up naming ourselves "The Fat Parade" after getting our licenses in grade 12 and driving our parents' car to a different fast food joint or restuarnt every single day. We all gained about 10 lbs that year! My mom was trying to lose 10 lbs herself and bet me $200 that she could beat me to it. I GRABBED on to the opportunity for competition (surprised?) and once again worked out, watched calories and only drank vodka (no beer!) that summer - 10 lbs in 6 weeks.. boom! But history sure does always repeat itself! I was up again by the end of high school. I lost weight unintentionally when I left my job at M&M Meat Shops and went away to university. Being a picky eater meant I was eating relatively small meals and not snacking much - coupled with no longer standing over top of the dessert samples all day long at my job, I lost 5 lbs without even trying! Let me be clear.. this has never happened again! By the end of first year those and a few more had come back and I challenged my mom to the same bet that summer. And beat her again. :P 10 lbs gone again. Holy yo-yo eh? This cycle would perpetuate itself over the next several years, and still is! My motivation has changed from betting my mom to wanting to stay a certain size and at a certain level of fitness and health (and not wanting to have to buy all new jeans..). But I obviously still have tons of issues to work through.
I lost 15 for my wedding last year and came back from Ireland, sure that it would be showing in the shape of beer and fried food pasted across my hips and stomach. But, must have been all the walking, I was somehow at the same weight. So for the first time in my life I made the goal of "maintaining my weight". And I was awesome! Working out a normal-like 3-4x/week, eating well without counting calories. And it worked. No big shock there. The only problem was....
Kristyn2. Like the villain in a horror film, she came back for my birthday and stuck around for Christmas! I couldn't even get rid of her come the new year, the usual time for Kristyn1 to shine! Kristyn1 has popped in on and off since the start of 2012 to try to get me/keep me on track. I'm happy to say I'm only up about 4 lbs since the wedding and working towards a goal of dropping those again and then moving on to maintenance to get it to work this time. My current motivation is finally being HOME for a few days (have been travelling for work most of this month) and also boomerang-ing after being so sick I could barely move for about 9 days at the beginning of March. That was Kristyn3 - immobile, yet annoyed about it! The past week has been lovely - hikes and walks outside, delish dinners, yummy protein packed lunches and snacks. When I'm on a high like this I wonder why my whole life can't be maintained with fitness, health and good eating habits. I have more questions than I do answers about the K1/K2 dichotomy. I can feel K2 lurking in the background. I'd be lying (and all my friends would be LAUGHING) if I said I'd never eat McDonalds again. But can there be a Kristyn 1.5 who eats the McDs but goes for a run that night and doesn't let it throw her off track??
I was reading a Val Frankel memoir (Thin is the New Happy - ironic title) over Christmas and she said the one thing I've read, the only thing I've ever identified with, that actually stuck with me as she has also yo-yo'd with her weight and healthy lifestyle over the years - paraphrased, she asked why when at her goal weight she felt totally unmotivated to keep going, maintain it, or even lose more. She pondered whether it was the loss of the challenge - without having a "goal weight" to work towards, what fun was there to it? She was a lot like me - REALLY GOOD for stretches of time - TERRIBLY BAD for others. With an end result of no real changes and not something you could define as "a healthy lifestyle". I'm happy that at the end of the book she had found a "no diet" diet that worked for her - eat, stop eating when you're full. Exercise when you can without overdoing it. That sounded amazing to me. So working towards THAT goal (aka. no goal) is my current goal.. if that makes any sense. :)
Kristyn2 is sorta messed up - it was cathartic writing about her. Kristyn1 can be a bit of a no-nonsense nutjob.. I think she could take it down a notch. So here's to finding the newly dubbed Kristyn1.5 - it's my goal for this year. To find her, become her, and stay her. No more yo-yo, but no reason I can't occasionally "fall off the wagon" of a healthy lifestyle, knowing it is pretty wonderful to get back on.
Maybe this rang a bell with some people - maybe not. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so tuned in to it all - I probably WOULD just eat, stop when I was full, and work out occasionally. Cheers to those who have figured it out - I hope to get there myself some day! To long and healthy life... and finding a Kristyn who can be at peace with it all. :)
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