Sugar Update

This is just a quick update because after my January of non-stop blabbing about my "#kristynquitsugar" experiment people have been following up with me about how I'm doing.  It's been just under a month since I decided to chill the f*ck out and just go back to eating whatever I wanted, and see what happened.

You'd think after restricting sugar for all those weeks I would have fallen face first into a cake, but I was extremely hesitant to eat added sugar again. I was terrified about the idea of having to go through withdrawal again, mainly, and scared of how badly I might feel if I ate it based on my tiny experiments during the weeks of removing it from my diet.  So nothing happened, until a few days later at a restaurant my best friend ordered a white chocolate brownie with ice cream and whipped cream and offered me some at dessert.  She apologized for being an enabler, but I explained she wasn't at all.  Because what happened was I had a couple of bites, found it overpoweringly sweet, put my spoon down and forgot about it. For the first time in history - a dessert sat on the table in front of me, and I DIDN'T WANT IT.

At that cake-filled staff retreat the following week there were, no joke, thirty varieties of cake after every lunch and dinner.  The first night I scraped the tiniest sliver off the side of a mint chocolate torte (which looked DELECTABLE!) and nibbled a couple of bites of it before again finding the flavour very sweet, almost fake, overwhelming and somehow.. soapy?  I pushed it away and my colleague who had been commiserating with me at dinner about sugar addiction asked, a bit embarrassed, if she could finish it (we'd just met 30 minutes earlier).  I sympathetically pushed the plate her way - I have been that girl many, many times in many, many situations - I felt her!!  The rest of the week was about the same - a bite here and there.  I ate an entire piece of cherry pie one day which was absolutely lovely and didn't make me feel weird or ill - I wondered if it's because it was delivered with such a whack of fat (and no sugar) in the crust, and fiber in the fruit - perhaps added sugar was a bit in the backseat?  I also SUPER enjoyed a blueberry scone and some banana bread on a hungover morning during plenary and breakout sessions. But it didn't want to make me eat the sugary snacks that were always waiting just outside the conference room doors.

The past month or so has continued much like that, with an unfortunate side effect that whenever I do have added sugar (e.g. two bites of milk chocolate, or maybe 8 chocolate-covered peanuts, or a one bite brownie, or a Chips Ahoy sized chocolate chip cookie) I get a debilitating headache that lasts no less than 20 minutes. It's quite an impressive deterrent to wanting to eat traditional sweet desserts :( I'm still comfort eating with a bag of chips or smartfood here and there, and have become obsessed with blueberry muffins (chocolate chip muffin = headache; blueberry muffin = heaven... ??).  I also notice I still reach for something sweet after meals, though it's most likely to be fruit (mango, raspberry, apple with pb - all of these things taste like absolute bliss, way better than they did in my past life!) or a date-sweetened dessert.  Never ate a date in my life before 2016 but I can whip up a couple of date desserts that are just lovely - even chocolatey, and headache and trouble free.  I can also eat just a few bites and walk away - though I often want more bites after my next meal because they're so good! A big part of this experiment was wanting to make my socially debilitating post-meal sweet cravings go away and it has largely worked, though it's not to say I don't still want/enjoy those treats when they're around!

I love how I can walk past the open package of cookies or box of chocolates on the kitchen table at work up to 10-20x/day (depending how much tea I drink haha) and not really want them, or care about them. I do feel like I have regained some autonomy - yeehaw for autonomy!

I still appreciate the beauty and delight of desserts - emotionally.  I still hope I'll be able to eat a piece of cake at my best friend's shower and wedding without falling to the ground with a piercing headache. I'm guessing much like most things that end up becoming addicting, they feel pretty bad at first (e.g. first time smoking - so I hear, never tried!) but then you kind of like it, kind of want it, add a little more, then a little more, you like the after effects so your body starts ignoring the ill-effects, and before you know it you have a full blown habit.  I won't be actively trying to put sugar back in my former-self-hurricane-pathway and hopefully it means I can continue to have a grown-up, controlled relationship with it.  Hopefully :)

I wasn't expecting the headaches - they are so weird!!!!! But, hey, that's the point of an experiment I guess - occasional unexpected outcomes....

And to provide some honest commentary on my life - I have had many many less than impressive days in 2016.  Lots of couch.  Some days where I've eaten what feels like my body weight or more in various treats (calorie bomb smoothies stuffed with vanilla protein powder, mango and peanut butter - oh man so good; french fries until I couldn't fit anymore in my stomach, eating a whole day of calories by noon, etc.).  I slacked off from working out for full weeks here and there.  Definitely not losing weight or getting smaller (hopefully not getting bigger!!!). I became incredibly disenchanted with cooking for a couple of weeks and just frankly didn't do it (smoothies are dinner, right?). But with all that said, my main lesson was that I'd really like to learn how to beat myself up less for not being perfect - isn't this just life? I'm happy to say I worked out today and cooked a lovely asparagus risotto for Jeff and I tonight - and it felt wonderful (though I wish I hadn't worked out my arms before making a dinner you have to stir for a full hour!!).  Then again, last Sunday on the couch with Jeff's muffin delivery service (what a Valentine, eh!) felt pretty lovely in its own way too.

I wonder sometimes if my greatest lesson in life will be cutting myself some slack, giving myself a break and feeling proud of myself for the things that are going well, instead of focusing on those that haven't.

Stay tuned - this blog and author are, as always, a work in progress. :)