Today, the head of my department, our regional vice president, my boss' boss, and my former boss for 4 years from 2009-2013, passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. James .. I don't know how to describe him except this phrase that keeps coming to mind.. he was everything. He was personality, sarcasm, a dark and evil sense of humour, charm and lightness, sensitive, brilliant, strategic, the biggest of big picture thinkers, a softie with a hard shell that didn't take much to crack, and the proudest VP, dad and husband around. He would hate it if I described him this way: but he just sparkled. His legacy in conservation will be remembered forever. Long after people stop remembering him, me and the rest of us, they will walk the shores of places like Wilson Island in Lake Superior and be glad that a place like that was protected. And that was James. He devoted his career to conservation, was the second longest-standing employee at our organization, and was inspiring people, building them up, and taking them down a peg, just to keep it real, until his last day. Which I still can't believe was today.
Hearing the news I was suddenly no longer in my body, but watching a movie of a person receiving bad news who stumbles backwards to the wall and slithers to the floor in tears. Even though it's hit me about 15x now and I've burst into hysterical sobs, every time I realize it's real again, I'm back in that moment, slithering to the floor, pain as fresh as knives. And omg, I'm just his employee. I can't stop thinking about his wife of 20+ years, his three boys (teenagers) and wondering what they must be going through. 54 is way, way too young.
But that's life, isn't it. Full of shitty surprises. All any of us can do is tell the people we love that we love them, be kind and good as much of as many days as we're able, and try to make the most of the short precious time we get to spend here. Damn living is good. And it's way too easy to take it for granted.
Here's my memorial to James, thinking through the ways he touched my life.
He hired me in 2009 after I'd been with our organization for 2 years, into a new role with a lot more responsibility than I'd had in my previous job. Suddenly I went from dealing with conservation plans on my computer, to dealing with people and properties. We managed Northwestern Ontario in tandem for a few years, which meant lots of grumpy early morning flights to Thunder Bay together (neither of us are morning people) and long road trips across the Trans Canada. He loved showing off NWO and the conservation successes he'd had up there. His pride and joy was Wilson Island, 5,000 acres of untouched boreal forest in Lake Superior which he'd been after for a decade and finally secured in 2008. We had a blast exploring the island together. He brought his middle son, Jayden, which made our motley crew of biologists, boat drivers, managers and new northern friends that much weirder, and more memorable. He always called me Grasshopper, as I learned the ropes (I was super naïve at 27, even moreso than I am today at 35 if you can believe it ;)) and one of my proudest moments was when I successfully negotiated my first land deal, skirting some land mines, and he emailed "You have snatched the pebble, Grasshopper." I'll definitely have to watch some Kung Fu in his honour sometime. It was James who pushed me into an Acting Program Director role for the first time. I was 28 and I thought he was bloody crazy. I asked him to pump up my tires and tell me WHY he thought I was ready for that level of responsibility and he said he could teach a monkey how to negotiate a land deal, but people skills were something you couldn't teach, and I had them. Since the man handed out compliments about twice a year at most, I never forgot this one. He also shoved me into a full time Program Director role (after shoving me into a second Acting PD role for the second time in one year), as I was almost literally kicking and screaming. Unsurprisingly, it was exactly the right move for me and my career, and he knew that very well all along.
I bumped up against a couple of rough HR moments somewhere in the middle of all of this, and he was a huge supporter and there for me exactly when I needed his support the most. He did everything I could have asked for, and even the things I didn't, to keep me from drowning. He was always so steady, and so sure. I don't think it was necessarily like that under the surface (I know for a fact he would draft important emails and read them over and over again for many days before sending them), but he was your life preserver when you needed him.
All of this makes our relationship sound like it was super rosy, but it wasn't perfect by any means! We could be pretty tough with each other - nonstop teasing, never giving the other person an inch, and he challenged me ALL THE TIME. We had a couple of good battles. But what was always there was respect and kindness, under it all. His last email to me, and two of my coworkers, read: "I hate you all!" as he was being teased for being early for a conference call for the first time in his life, and was actually a full half hour early and the call hadn't started yet. I replied: "That's sweet, James". Those weren't quite our last words - we had a productive call after that on Friday morning. But I sure wish I had known it was the last time I'd get to speak to him.
I have so many wonderful memories with James. I can't picture what work is going to be like without him. We're all wandering around like zombies today, not quite believe that this is real. The spirit and passion of our region .. he's gone? But what he would want would be for us to carry on with that spirit and passion, and keep delivering amazing conservation for years and years to come. I know before long I'll be walking on the JD Nature Reserve, and my tears will be all over that forest, or wetland, or alvar. It will be a lucky property that gets his name on it forever. He made a humongous difference at our organization, in all our lives and he will never, ever be forgotten. I can't believe how much you can miss someone - so sharply, and so quickly. Wow does it hurt tonight. I'm just going to let the hurt happen, and try to focus on those good memories. On that note, here are some of my fave pics from our time together.
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| Staff retreat - JD & me, Annette, Ali and Cara. So much wine. So much fun. |
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| He spent this hike on a property in Northwestern Ontario throwing snowballs at me, and then tested the water (verdict: Lake Superior in late October is cold!) |
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| Management canoe race at staff retreat (James and Chris); the interns beat these two by a long shot after he lost his paddle |
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| He took me to this amazing lookout over Lake Superior. Can't beat that view. This one is framed and hanging downstairs! |
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| 2 days on Wilson Island with James, Jayden and crew in August 2010 |
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| So glad I was on a pic-taking tear this spring, and so glad James got to see the completed work in Creemore. This project took me 4.5 years, $400,000 and I never could have done it without his support! |
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| My work parents - my boss Wendy, and James, who just learned how to wear his buff like a toque |
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| I will never forget you JD |
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