Binge(y) Eating, and Habit Change

I’ve given this topic a fair bit of space in my brain this year, between thinking, reflecting and reading and have come out not entirely convinced that I’m a classic binge eater. There are some typical traits that don’t apply to my patterns of overeating, such as consuming 3000 to 5000 calories in a binge session (that hurts just thinking about it!), bingeing alone (I am much more likely to stuff my face in public than in private), and robotically eating very large quantities of one thing – I like variety in my overeating! A bowl of ice cream here, a few cookies there… However, whatever it is I’ve been doing on and off over the past 20 years is definitely some sort of disordered eating, and definitely has a component of overeating. Often at parties or outings I’ll eat all the “fun” food that’s there until I’m uncomfortably full. Then the next day is inevitably followed by feeling crappy mentally and physically and either soothing those feelings with more eating (rolls eyes) or over-exercise/clean eating that’s borderline punishing.

I have no doubt my episodes of overeating are linked to all those times I’ve restricted my food. I took some time to count it up and realized I’ve gone on diets/healthy eating spurts/eating plans (whatever you want to call it) over 30 times between the ages of 14 to 34. There was something about hitting the 20 year mark that was a wake-up call, that I don’t want to spend the next 40 to 50 years living like this, trapped in this cycle. And it’s definitely a cycle - my brain hungrily remembers all the times we were restricting, sees the plate of cookies and goes “well we’re not being ‘good’ now – let’s eat up while we have the chance!”.

Poor brain. Poor body! Do you know how many times I’ve lost and regained the same 5 to 15 pounds? And I look basically exactly the same all the time, even similar to my high school body, when I first turned into a diet monster.

But rather than looking back at what I have been, or have done, I want to look forward to the person I want to be every day. That’s someone who generally makes healthy food choices, and enjoys treats in a reasonable way. And if I eat most of the large piece of chocolate cake that Viv brings me on Monday evening ;) it will not affect eating veggie-full meals the following day. This has been my focus lately, recognizing that junk food will always be a part of my life, and what I can do is add in healthy things wherever I can. I’ve been really focusing on getting vegetables with every lunch and dinner for the past few weeks, which packs the double punch of providing nutrients/fiber/phytochemicals AND being so filling that one doesn’t feel such a wild urge to eat the rest of the slice of cake... and another slice after that.

One of my favourite podcasts is Half-Size Me, which introduced me to the idea of gradual change over time, one habit at a time. So even though I know I can eat 100% clean and exercise 4 to 5 times a week for about 2 to 3 weeks, I also know it never lasts for good and is usually followed by a big swing in the other direction and overeating all those foods that I cut out for that time.

I’m very happy to report that for the past 3.5 weeks I’ve eaten veggies with every lunch and dinner (minus the McDonald’s I had that day on the road and oh man did it taste so good – do pickles on the cheeseburger count as veggies?), and strength trained 2x/week, a habit I’d really fallen out of doing regularly over the past couple of years. Focusing on these two habits has actually been really easy, and I’m feeling great, still super motivated, and I can already see some muscle definition coming back… alright! Last week I added an extra habit of adding a minimum of one training session per week of any element of a triathlon (swim/bike/run) in prep for my hopeful return to the triathlon game this summer – wish me luck!

I’ve also eaten a pretty serious amount of cake, cookies, chocolate and Halloween candy and had nights where I’ve collapsed on the couch after work and didn’t move again. And I am 100% totally okay with that, and welcome both into my life, in balance.

While losing a few pounds would be nice, sure (there are some TIGHT waistbands in my closet!), I’m no longer tracking calories or weighing myself (I learned that these things make me, someone who is prone to being hard on myself, very likely to beat myself up mentally if I go “off course” and a trigger toward trying to act perfectly – which inevitably leads me in the exact opposite direction) and I have no real goals, or timeline. My goal is living a generally healthy life, continuing athletic pursuits, and freeing myself from the weird diet prison I put myself in when I was 14 years old. I can finally see the outside world, and it looks oh so good…