Out of curiosity I searched for the play on YouTube and found several types of Deirdres either acting in a version of the play, or auditioning for it. Pretty ones.. homely ones.. Talented ones.. confusingly bad ones... Young ones... old ones. And you know what, it was those Deirdres that gave me the confidence I need to be my own Deirdre - not that young, not that talented, not too homely, with a thick streak of "terrified!" running through her core.
Since I haven't acted in anything since high school, I have no idea if I know how to act, I just know that I like to. I took drama class for many years, but if I remember correctly drama class was a place where Jana and I would compare our funky socks since we couldn't wear shoes in the room, and I would try to catch the eye of my latest crush across the circle we sat in cross-legged to start the day. So. not so big on the technique, etc. So I filmed myself with the iPad while reading lines from the play off of my iPhone, and Deirdre'd it up on Saturday and Sunday of this weekend while Jeff was out walking the dog. The audition was intended to be a "cold read" from the script, but as I am me, I wanted to be uber-prepared! UBER!!! It's always been my theory that if you're nervous about presenting or performing something, practice practice practice until it's old hat and then at least it's one less thing to worry about (then factors like all those eyes on you, the bright lights, what to do with your hands, etc. become what you worry about, but at least not your material!). Watching it back was one of the more mortifying life experiences I've had. Showing it to Jeff was about 1000x worse. Because I spent most of Sunday feeling nervously sick about how I'd decided to spend my evening, I knew I was going to cry at some point during the day. Unfortunately, being me, when bad emotions (grief, worry, anger, sadness) build up inside me, they are only effectively released by crying, which often builds over many hours and then explodes out unproductively.. (I would like to trade in this trait. Would anyone like this instead of something they've got going on? I'll take anything else in return!!!) So when Jeff watched my 2 minute Deirdre monologue, and then told me it was "good", I promptly burst into tears since obviously I wanted it to be "great" OR I wanted some constructive criticism on what could be better so I could work on it. Looking overwhelmed and lost, Jeff couldn't give me any more than what he'd already said (using the defense of "I'm not a play critic! I don't even watch plays, so how could I know what I'm supposed to be looking for?"). So we went to the gym and forgot about Hamlet.. for a bit...
I managed to choke down dinner, get ready, and I arrived at 6:50 p.m. for the 7 p.m. audition, to a sketchy building deep in the Ward, wearing a lot of makeup and a nice outfit including tall boots - figured I'd get extra points for being not too painful to look at and then if they were on the fence maybe they'd pick that blonde girl with all the eyeliner, who wouldn't stop smiling like a nervous maniac.
I was so nervous walking in I could hardly look the other actors in the face to say hello. I had peed twice before leaving home and peed again twice more in the following 20 minutes. Yup, nervous peeing - that was a new one for me. I filled out my form: "Deirdre/Felicia". Acting experience: "high school - I'm rusty, but enthusiastic! :)" (yes, I actually wrote this). Then I sat in a half-moon of 20 chairs facing the table with the director and the stage manager and producer and realized, oh god, we were doing a group freaking audition - 20 of us!!!! I grew more and more nervous as more people walked in who obviously knew the theatre, knew the director, and had acted before. You could just hear it in their voices - projecting across the room, huge boisterous laughs... and then the fact that they were chatting about the current production that they're all starring in together. Luckily our first activity was to interview our seatmate and present on them, so at least Rob, who acts and directs regularly at the theatre, was super nice and encouraging. I saw a little red flag when he encouraged me to DEFINITELY volunteer to help run the next production. I haven't even auditioned and I'm already out?
But that's the thing. I was already out. It was clear as soon as several of the other pretty women my age, wearing makeup and knee high boots, read their lines from the play (their first time seeing it, but they rolled with it very well) and I was captivated by the way they talked, and moved, and their confidence. I actually loved watching the men audition for the three male parts, because there were so many great lines that got big, genuine laughs from the director and the rest of us. So it was at first intimidating, and then just inspiring, to watch practiced actors just being actors. And when it was my turn, hands shaking, cheeks PURPLE, I did my best to be Felicia, even throwing in a little New York accent as the script suggests. I liked the Andrew I read with, he was fun to watch process his lines and spit them back out - often with enough comedic timing to get a laugh.
At 9:45 (YUP), the director said "well, I think we're done here. Honestly, I think we could cast the play out of what we saw tonight. And we still have another 20 people coming tomorrow." One seasoned actor joked: "lock the door! put up a sign auditions are cancelled!". Ha! She was actually nervous about getting a part. That made me feel better somehow - maybe it's always a little bit nerve wracking when you're trying hard at something you care about. The director asked: "did anyone not get to read for a character they're interested in?". And myself and another novice wannabe Felicia/Deirdre raised our hands and noted we hadn't read for Deirdre. I actually pointed the director to the Deirdre-dominated scene in the back of the play that I'd practiced via iPad and he assigned me the same Andrew, and I went for it! Overwrought, loud, arms everywhere - I was Deirdre!! It was really fun. I didn't land the one funny line, which was a bit sad. My face was really purple. Rob gave me a high five when I was done. Hey.. that felt ok. Secretly, I thought I did better than the other Deirdre who read after me.. maybe because I'd been practicing (I tried not to seem like I had inadvertently memorized a bunch of it haha).
When I left I thanked the production heads and they said "It was GREAT to meet you." That was really nice!! However, callbacks were last night, and I didn't hear anything, so alas, I think the ship has sailed on my moment to be Deirdre. But I'll not soon forget my day of playing her, and my two minutes presenting her, and I'll definitely be happy to humbly sling drinks at the bar during intermission of the production in April, and try again, and again, and see what happens. :)
Summary recommendation: do things that scare you. I wanted to bail about 20x on Sunday, but I couldn't be more glad I went through with it. Truly scary, truly exhilarating, truly a lot of fun.
"I decided to drown myself
Like Ophelia!
In Central Park Lake.. isn't that perfect??
So I stood up on a rock,
And braided wildflowers into my hair...
And I looked down into the water...
But then.. I lost my nerve."
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