Purpose

I'm so utterly exhausted I feel like I'm drunk.  As such, I feel that my mind is quite open and has been contemplating some larger ideas today.  Mainly around purpose.

I am committed to the idea that life should have meaning.  I'm not a superhero who expects every moment to be jam packed with significance, but I do not want to look back on, say, my early 30s, and be really proud of the fact that I spent nearly every night sprawled on the couch watching tv!  I don't want to be proud that I read x amount of webpages in a day.  I don't want to be proud that I entered and rated 10 more beers on my Untappd app on my phone (which admittedly, is pretty addictive and threatens to turn me into a pot-bellied beer guzzler ASAP!).

Instead....I want to be proud that I took my dog that extra block on our walk in the snowstorm, because it made him so happy. I want to be proud that I spent quality time with my husband, either curled up and chatting about our days or cooking a nice meal together.  I want to create something, whether it be homemade protein bars to put in our lunches this week or a piece of writing that I can be proud of (or confused reading later..wondering if I was indeed drunk).  I want to connect with my friends and family - either over the phone, or even better, in person.  I want to exercise and treat my body the way it deserves to be treated.  I want to write my novel.  I want to discover if there's something in life I'm even MORE passionate about than nature and writing - something I might be missing!  I want to volunteer my time to make the world a better place.

Because.. and this is quite existential, and my atheist tendings will show here... none of this, this life, actually means anything.  At the end of the day, you get this one shot.. these 70-100 years (if you're lucky!)... and it's up to YOU to make something out of them before time blinks and your shot is over.  No one else is going to give meaning to your life.  (this is me lecturing myself, by the way, not you!! people often think I'm talking to them with my posts :))  If you don't take charge of giving your life meaning and purpose, I'm afraid it might not ever happen!

It's so easy to let the days tick by in a flurry of motion.  Frig.. we are SO busy.  I read today that we're the busiest and most stressed we've ever been, societally and particularly in women in their 20s and 30s.  It is VERY easy for my day to look like this: wake up, walk the dog, eat breakfast, go to work, work 8 hours, come home, lay on the couch, eat crackers for dinner, tidy the kitchen (or bedroom, or living room, insert portion of square footage here), pay some bills or balance the budget, watch a show with Jeff, grab a bath, dry my hair, head to bed. (And I realize the luxury that THAT schedule must sound like to a busy parent!!) It is sometimes too tempting to let every single day move by me like that and before you know it, it's Friday - the weekend - a chance to really DO some things!!  But what about Monday - Friday?  Am I to write them off for the rest of my working life?  That's like.. some percentage I can't calculate now.. let's go with a fraction... 5/7ths of my working life!!!!

So I'm challenging myself to break the mold.  Not to say I'm NOT going to watch that rerun of Felicity or episode of the Biggest Loser (I am addicted!) when I get home from work, with my feet propped up on a pillow.  Because a little downtime is necessary.  But after that.. it's time to move my ass.. and move my brain.. and move my soul!  Because I certainly don't want people at my funeral reflecting on how relaxed and well-rested I was.  How much Netflix I watched.  I want more!  I'm not entirely sure what I can achieve, but I know what lights up the "purpose" centres in my brain so far (writing, creating, spending quality time with people I love) and what doesn't (tv, generally being in a reclined position, looking at Facebook) so I figure that's a good place to start.

I'm on a constant quest for self-improvement!  I'm starting to think that's what this blog, and I, are really all about. But then again, I did hit my kneecap with a mallet today and nearly collapse into a sinkhole in a mushy stream channel.. and I did drink a giant hot chocolate at 2:30 p.m. followed by eating McDonalds for dinner at 4 p.m.... so perhaps the reserved purpose of having this blog to make fun of myself is still alive and well.  How do we feel about a combo of both!?!? (While I'm on the subject, I was reminded today of my stupidest comment of the summer, when I asked a coworker who mentioned he had an office in a supposedly haunted house if "he had confirmed the existence of ghosts?".  I meant had he seen the supposed ghost, not had he ventured beyond the realm of science to prove that ghosts are real.  People are still laughing at me.)

I will have to keep you posted on my journey of purpose... though tonight I will continue to digest my giant mid-afternoon comfort food gorging, continue to watch the Leafs on the couch with the hubs and go to bed at 9:30 p.m..  Fieldwork.. she's a killer! (though full of great purpose.. hence getting to take the evening off from living a purposeful life.. hehe)

Wishing you all purpose, and happiness. ........I think I'm on a happiness mission!