Summer News, Blues, Truths

I can't believe summer (which I take to be the May - September approximation of field season when I can do work outdoors) is half over.  It's unreal how the time flies.  People older than me keep telling me it's only going to get worse as I get older, that time will only go faster.  Is there a fix for this!?  I have heard that true happiness comes only from embracing the moment you're in.  Perhaps this is true?  I have also heard that happiness can be maximized by the thrill of anticipation.  I'd definitely give this one some stock.  So here I am, trying to enjoy the joys of summer before it's gone once again; but also using anticipation of future events to ice the cake of happiness - but all the while, there is the reality that no one is ever, really, 100% happy.  Even if you've learned that the grass is greenest where you are right at this very moment in time (http://www.sincerelygoofy.blogspot.ca/2014/06/green-grass.html)  it's sometimes hard to "get it" on all levels of your psyche and soar through the days, thrilled all the while.

After writing that last blog post (which I forgot to share, so hopefully today is the day you're in the mood for a lot of peering around at the inside of my skull!) I felt distinctly lighter and happier for sure.  There was a real paradigm shift of making myself stop wanting more and making myself stop and be grateful for what was already there.

However - there's still a lingering grumpiness that I can't put my finger on.  Yesterday I was SO tired after being up half the night comforting thunder-scared Bailey (those were quite the storms!) I couldn't believe Jeff was still going to make us get on our bikes and go for a ride in the evening.  He was laughing out loud at my literal and actual pouting (picture curled out lip and furrowed brow, like a 2 year old).  Once we got out there, though, I was having the time of my life!  It would have been really easy to slide into a big funk yesterday and not come out of it... which I bet would have happened without that ride.  I had an 82 year old woman tell me I was "naive" and "not bright" at work yesterday.  You kind of want to laugh those things off, but negative criticism still has a way of slinking in.  It was a new one for sure - I've had some things insulted before, but never my intelligence!!  It's good, though, to go outside those harder moments and see that people who "tell it like it is" are often just lacking tact, and I am proud of the fact that I would never be purposely negative to someone because I'm always aware of what could hurt people.  I'm all for honesty, but also for kindness.  So for anyone out there who thinks you're cool and novel for "telling it like it is", do me a favour and consider if you might be hurting someone's feelings along the way!

I am feeling better with a bit of fieldwork behind me and an organized and semi-manageable summer schedule ahead of me, highlighted with three fun upcoming out of town trips with friends.

But.. It's hard not to be consumed by a job in the environmental field during this season. I'm starting to worry I'm running out of myself to give.  A lot of my friends and family are going through big stuff right now, and many have been for some time, and I'm trying to be the best support I can be.  But I've been told in the past (by a professional! ;)) that I have problems with boundaries!  So it's hard to know at what point you have to draw the line of helping your friends and taking care of yourself.  The lack of availability in my schedule seems to complicate everything.  Other coworkers and I have commiserated that we feel like we let everyone down by a chorus of "no, I can't" "no, I'm busy" "sorry, can't make it" all summer long.  It's hard for people to "get" what this life is like.. unless you are one of us, or married to one of us and see the reality of someone being gone 50% of the time (including evenings and weekends) and only maybe 50% present when they are 100% home!  It's hard to turn off your brain when you've got hundreds of acres of land to manage, staff and travel to coordinate, and enough problems out on the lands to fill an empty quarry pit. :P Not to say anyone else's job doesn't keep them awake at night, but the stakes are high when it comes to nature, in my heart and mind at least.  And I'm just feeling pretty drained!

If I had one blanket piece of advice to give everyone I care about it would be to figure out what makes you happy and then do everything it takes to get there.  You deserve the life you're secretly dreaming about. You deserve to be treated like actual gold because I think you're all amazing. The only thing holding you back is, well, you.  Sometimes it takes awhile for the stars to align perfectly and all dreams to be realized, but take steps towards your hopes/dreams, respect yourself before anything else along the way, and you will get there. You do deserve complete and utter happiness.  Hey.. not bad advice.. I probably should take it too!

To further my summer of a restless soul, I made the mistake of going to Georgian Bay last week to monitor our perfect, perfect property there.  Oh my goodness.  This freaking archipelago of granite islands couldn't be more beautiful if it tried.

Photo stolen from Georgian Bay Land Trust website, credit Joseph Hartman

Just look at this place - it doesn't even look real!!  And I see these beautiful cottages along the shore - and honestly, all I'd ever want is an all wood rustic cabin with a porch and a view of the sunset :) - and I just want to be there.  My longing to win the lottery is strongest while on the bay.  So it set me off itch itch itching again.  I've never been good with patience!  I always hear it's a virtue.  Anyone have any tips on attaining it? :) I know someday I will have a cottage of my own...... but can't someday hurry up and get here?!

The worst part of this summer update is that I've started to get down on myself for the one thing I think makes me uniquely ridiculous and was the whole reason I started this blog 2 1/2 years ago: hijinx (rather than soul searching, I actually just wanted to tell funny stories about stupid things that happen in my life - I've tried to stay true to that theme, but it's funny how things evolve!).  The sheer number of stupid things I do has always made me laugh and I know made some of you laugh too - and that makes it totally worth it.  Life is not supposed to be this heavy (don't worry I realize that!).  However, three of the hijinx I've gotten myself into over the past three weeks were seriously or potentially problematic and I started to feel really bummed out!  My intern and I joined forces of stupidity for the day by placing our clipboard and GPS unit on top of our van while we chatted with some partners we bumped into on the road side before heading out of Carden for the day.  And my $1,000 GPS unit was donated to the landscape forever - along with a bunch of key data that we'd collected on it that week :( The following week, I had to take my own car for fieldwork (way to run out of cars, Enterprise!) and ended up bottoming out and getting stuck on a really rutty gravel road in Severn township - resulting in nearly tearing open my oil pan which could have resulted in total Jetta breakdown. :(  And I almost stepped on a Massasauga rattlesnake.  While it was incredibly amazing, I could also be incredibly dead.. Though that last one was more luck of the draw than my own fault, I started to get bummed about the sheer number of idiotic happenings in my life and asking deep existential questions like: "what kind of a grown up am I?" "what sort of a boss puts the clipboard on the car and doesn't ask the intern where the GPS is?" "what is going to be the thing that REALLY goes wrong, and hurts or kills me or someone else?".  YIKES!!  So I'm vowing to be more conscientious with my things when I'm in the field (it gets hectic out there, but I'm going to slow down and be careful that I have everything, and everything is in its rightful place), not to drive my personal car for work unless I can avoid it and, easily enough, will stare directly at the ground while walking anytime I'm in rattlesnake country!

I vowed to have a "catastrophe-free" July.  I told both my interns and husband and friends about this plan and was ready to put it into action when we left for fieldwork on July 1.  That night, the rental car almost ran out of gas and we had to drive 40km out of our way to get it.  Later, while standing at the vending machine I typed in "175" instead of "C4" because the Skor bar cost $1.75 and then, while trying to figure out how to clear the screen, promptly turned my open wallet upside down, spilling change all over the floor of a hotel in Parry Sound which a hotel employee helped me clean up, embarrassed for me.  So not off to a super clean start, but I've made it several more days since then with no hijinx to report.  Later this month I'll be taking some more major donors out canoeing on a fast-flowing river, so stay tuned to see if I can actually hold true to this plan!

Sigh... sorry this one was a bit of a bummer.  My mood does just seem to rise and fall these days - I'm sure this gloomy Tuesday afternoon is not helping much!! I truly am so grateful for the times I've been SO happy lately - the fun I've had with friends (e.g. Ebar tequila/poutine in the street; catching up with old high school buddies), the successes I've had at work, the amazing things I've seen in the field, and most of all the time spent with my awesome hubs.  Here's hoping for summer to ride its second half out on a high note, free of major drama but with a couple of laughs in there for good measure!  I am looking forward to the fall but I do want to squeeze every available bit of joy out of these long, hot days while they're here. :)