Was having a bit of trouble getting off the couch tonight after an exhausting day in the field with 60 students aged 8-11 (auggggh!!!). I definitely have a new appreciation for my teacher friends who deal with kids all day.. man.. fieldwork plus screaming kids.. it's two worlds of exhaustion colliding!!! Anyways.. in my comfort food induced stupor lying on the couch I watched a few "back episodes" of some shows I had stored on my PVR including an interview Oprah did with Carrie Underwood on Oprah's Next Chapter where she asked me a question that got me thinking...
"Who are you, really?"
Carrie's answer was weak - but I don't blame her - that's a big q to try to come up with an answer for on the spot. I'm going to think it through, thoughtfully, and I'm still not sure I'll come up with anything good. I guess that's because of another one of my dichotomies (remember Kristyn1 & Kristyn2? http://www.sincerelygoofy.blogspot.ca/2012/03/2-kristyns.html) - well there's also Positive Kristyn and Negative Kristyn. Because honestly, what person walks around thinking extremely highly of themselves all the time? Or alternately, what person is silly enough that they can't see the good in themselves? So here's my answer that will probably be a mix of all the ways I see myself. It's funny - I haven't even started thinking about it and I know I'm going to miss something already! I think one of the funniest things about people is how they can be so oblivious to their most obvious traits sometimes... maddening at times... hopefully the following effort doesn't serve only to madden.... :P
The very first thing that pops into my head is that I'm in love with love. This is a theme that has been strung through my entire life from my first crush in grade 4 to 10 minutes ago when I gave my husband a big smooch just because. Romantic love, infatuated love, head-over-heels love - all types of love, I have just loved. I've had a love affair with love!! I don't know why it is I'm so crazy about being crazy in love, but some things I've repeated a bunch of times through my life (so they must have some meaning?) are "your significant other is the one person you get to treat with total mushy, romantic, gushing lovely lovey love.. so why not try to make every day full of that?"; "when it's true love, the days tick by very easily with very little effort and very much joy"; "'the one' will never break your heart"; "there is no "ONE" person for everyone - but there are a handful of people who will be very right for you and you're lucky if you find one of those".. etc. etc. I came up with a couple of those quotes, stole a couple of them. But they definitely show how much thought I've put into the concept of love and how fascinated I am by it. So therefore, I am someone who is consumed by my love for love. Anyone who hasn't thrown up by now - bravo.
Another thing that popped into my mind was a love of drama, until it's REAL drama. Bring me all the snide comments, back-talkin', back-stabbin', bf/gf fightin', he-said she-said, dramarama stuff you want and I will eat it with a spoon.. nay.. a shovel. I won the Ms. Gossip award in high school - BAHA. I was very proud! But honestly, the second it becomes real and someone I care about is hurt, or someone I care about has hurt me, or someone is hurting someone in a way that's unforgiveable I'm over it and I crave a life of simplicity, free from pain & the yuck of drama. Drama is only fun when it's pretty far away from you and you can pretend it's not real. When it comes to the real stuff it makes my stomach turn and I wish it would all go away. Fighting with ppl I care about is the #1 place I never want drama to rear it's somewhat-attractive, mostly-destructive head - I'm WAY too sensitive for most of what goes on out there. Probably should stick to In Touch magazine and The Bachelor to get my fix.
I'm someone who is incredibly hard on myself . I hold a lot of high, often unrealistic standards, and put myself through the wringer when things don't go exactly as I like. Through my nuts-busy job I've learned not to be a perfectionist (instead, am now a "do your best"ionist) but I still cringe in the face of criticism, constructive or worse. I lose sleep when I've made a mistake or let someone down. I think this manifests itself in my control-freakish ways - if I control everything it will go just as it needs to and everyone will be happy and nothing will go wrong. HA. Seriously.. ha. I'm finally learning to recognize.. and not embrace.. but at least acknowledge when I'm trying to control a situation, especially when its one that I likely can't control. I get a high from being in charge of things, esp when they go very well! I'm not bad at patting myself on the back when I pull off something awesome. But the downside to that is what happens when they don't? Major self-punishment whilst lying awake at night. Hmmm. Very interesting paragraph that fell from my fingers just there: definite flag for continuing self improvement!
I LOVE TO ANALYZE THINGS! Would you have guessed it from someone who is blogging and analyzing herself as we speak? The most rewarding part of my relationship with Jeff (aside from the mush and the amazing company of my best friend in the world) is our capacity to talk through situations and look at them from lots of angles and share our opinions on them - I'd feel really lost without that. I am lucky to share the affinity for analysis with so many of my favourite people.. perhaps it's WHY they're my favourite people. The shortlist includes Jeff, my mom, Dawn, Dave and Erica, and I've had many amazing deep convos with many other amazing deep peeps in my life. Through long talks with all those people I'm pretty sure the universe has been fully deconstructed and completely understood. ;) And you, over there, actin' a fool.. oh we've got you figured out, don't you WORRY!! Or maybe you SHOULD WORRY! (is that my love for drama ("lite") creeping in?!)
I'm once again a split personality when it comes to being intensely private and wildly social. The pendulum has swung both ways throughout my life. In grade school I was a definite only child bookish type who was totally fine to hang alone. A Saturday night reading and listening to music was super awesome! Some switch clicked just before/at the start of high school that having multiple close friendships was amazing and it was WAY more fun to be doing stuff than NOT doing stuff - fabulous fodder for my insane collection of diaries and love of love, as well! I became a total social butterfly and couldn't get enough "STUFF!". I always had lots of different groups of friends so there would always be something to do. But underneath all that there was still part of me that craved space. I applied for a single room in first year university because the thought of rooming with some stranger and having to freaking talk to the same person every day gave me the itchies. I get REALLY sick of people, pretty fast too (good thing I got that single room!). I LOVED living and partying with my bff's all through university at Guelph, but started living alone after we all finished up and loved it so much that I lived alone until I moved in with Jeff, accepting the reality of having to live with someone in order to have a functional marriage someday. ;) We built a house full of walls and levels because I like separation and privacy (from what I'm not really sure, I spend most of my time with Jeff!). These days I'm swinging back to the solitude/privacy-loving side of things, but still feel intense cravings for connections with my fantastic friends and family, perhaps just at a dialed down frequency in my "old age". Though I'm wondering if that has something to do with how badly I feel after a night of drinking these days compared to THOSE days... ;)
I love to listen and to help. The best compliment I've received from many friends is I'm a good listener, who is always there to talk. Maybe I don't have a phone glued to my ear a la high school, but I hope my friends know this is one quality of mine that isn't going anywhere. If I can listen to someone's problem and they're interested in my advice (or occasionally when they don't ask for it!), I'm more than happy to help and play the role of therapist. I think there's tons to learn when it comes to psychology - it's an interesting web that it would probably take a lifetime to even come close to understanding. I find picking someone's brain fascinating. I have about zero patience, though, when someone keeps making the same mistake without trying to change things to fix the heart of the issue. I am a cheerleader of self improvement and always will be. I gobble self-help books like no one's business, and some of my favourite reads have been memoirs and advice books. If anyone thinks they've "got it figured out" - they're nuts. So I hope to always be a sounding board.. bring on the analysis! ;)
I am so weirdly in love with real estate. I don't know WHY.. don't really know WHEN.. or HOW.. but my idea of a perfect date is driving around looking at homes and discussing things we'd like in our next house (last night Jeff and I had this very date and found THIS community, omg omg.. I need to win the lottery! http://www.heritagelakeestates.ca/). My dream retirement job is realtor. Is this weird? I feel like it's weird. Kristyn Ferguson, Realtor Who Knows A LOT About Trees. lol. Definitely need a better slogan....
I am a woman who has dreams but hasn't realized them and isn't always active in taking the steps to get there. I'm also someone who feels like I should have BIGGER, BETTER dreams than the ones I do. I guess it's ok not to have it all figured out at 29 (hard on self much?), but I get really angry at myself when I find myself on the couch.. watching Oprah.. haha.. when I should be writing that best selling novel that will get me into that dream house (http://www.heritagelakeestates.ca/ lol) or at least reading and learning more to become an absolute expert in the field of conservation biology. Sometimes I dream REALLY BIG! I got tipsy at a staff conference and told everyone I was going to be president (..of our national organization...) one day. Then was terrified that I wasn't really cut out for it all, or maybe it was that I'd really be more interested in walking my dogs down by a lake and listening to the birds sing during an early retirement from my stress-inducing days. Next big question to ponder: what will make you happy in life. HA. Think that's a BIG one... Interesting trying to marry your own concept of happiness with your life partner's as well - where do they merge, and diverge?? Sounds like time for some more analysis! ;)
I guess to sum it up - who I really am is someone who I think is romantic, silly, a deep thinker, intense, private AND social, a good friend, always trying to improve herself, a real estate junkie, nature lover, and someone who is still trying to figure it all out! (to those who know me well: what did I miss?)
Would certainly pose this question to all and any! Cheers :)
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